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Let’s Ban Us Some Books
A new law will bring Utah into the 21st century so we can start banning books with the rest of the red states.

While middle school kids in blue states will be reading pornography and masturbating, our students will be learning real values—such as how slavery was like technical school. And of course, they won't be exposed to that Critical Race Theory about how some Americans are more equal than others. It could make the kids feel bad.

Utah's new law works like this: If three or more school districts believe a book contains “objective sensitive material,” then all other districts must ban it. It's kind of like Texas Hold 'Em, but in reverse.

There is one fly in the ointment, however. Nobody knows for sure what “objective sensitive material” is. One parent's porn may be another's art. Goya's La maja desnuda may not be Playboy's Miss August, but it could still give boys too much to think about—if you know what we mean.

But as for books, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Milk and Honey and Looking for Alaska are some of the most banned books in the U.S. They, of course, are nothing like Tropic of Cancer or The Diary of Anaïs Nin, which were banned and must-reads for Wilson and the band back in junior high. You're right Wilson, if you want kids to read a book, just ban it.

$900 Million for a Ballpark—Yeah, That’s the Ticket
Here's an idea: Let's move Salt Lake's Triple-A Bees baseball team from what used to be Derks Field (now Smith's Ballpark) at 1300 S. West Temple—where they played for 100 years—to South Jordan. Sure, it's like moving Fenway Park to Brookline but what's tradition, anymore?

Then let's get Salt Lake City taxpayers to pony up $900 million to build a Major League Baseball stadium near North Temple and Redwood Road in a gamble that we could lure an expansion team here. Cool, right.

The Larry H. Miller Co. owns the Bees and wants to build the new stadium complex. The question remains, will they sell cars there? Think of it, reduced ticket prices for fans willing to take a test drive.

Our lawmakers just love MLB. It's so great when the Utah Legislature takes authority from Salt Lake City. Well OK, Wilson, you're right, they're always saying, “the government closest to the people governs best.” But why let the city mess it up when lawmakers have already demonstrated they can mess it up better. Remember the much-ballyhooed Inland Port? Whatever happened to that, anyway? It's reminiscent of our Cold Fusion Institute.

But we digress. Baseball is good for the soul. And think how good Salt Lakers souls will feel. It's not like $900 million is too much for that. Is it?

Postscript—That's going to do it for another chilling week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of outrage so you don't have to. You know Wilson, you and the guys in the band might be among the few souls who aren't outraged. It's a good argument for the legalization of pot. It's hard to be outraged when you're stoned.

The fact that International Transgender Day of Visibility fell on Easter this year was more than enough to throw right-wingers into a frenzy. In fact, a Fox News co-host, Lisa Boothe, said it was part of a scheme to overthrow the Almighty. She obviously hasn't read the Old Testament.

Back to the New Testament and Jesus of Nazareth—students at state-run colleges in Utah may see more of him. Proposed legislation that did not pass in this year's Legislature would have directed college general-ed classes to focus on western civilization and “the rise of Christianity.” Stay tuned.

It's puzzling why so many so-called Christians are full of rage. Love Jesus and Trump or your toast. By the way, there's been a breakthrough: Jesus apparently wasn't blonde. The latest info is that he had brown skin and dark hair. He did wear sandals, however, and they weren't Birkenstocks. Outrageous.

Well, heck Wilson, now that Easter is over and Christmas is nine months away, we don't have to worry about Jesus for a while. But still, we ought to close out with a little something for the folks who would like to know more about His life and times beyond the glossy stuff in Sunday school. So tell the band to put down their Trump Bibles and take it away:

Jesus was a Capricorn
He ate organic food
He believed in love and peace
And never wore no shoes

Some folks hate the Whites
Who hate the Blacks who hate the Klan
Most of us hate anything that We don't understand
“Jesus Was a Capricorn”—Kris Kristofferson