What would Jesus say? An exclusive interview with the divine 

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Jesus: Thanks to you and your NPR viewers for taking the time for this interview. I know how much time you must be spending reading the scriptures, but a little face-to-face meeting is so much more meaningful. Even the nightly prayers of the faithful leave a lot to be desired. I hope it’s really satisfying to you, for a change, to not have to merely imagine me.

Reporter: Thank you, so much, Your eminence, Your reverence, Your highness … God? As you can see, I’m having a little trouble figuring out how to address you. I pray that you’ll give me a bit of guidance on this. What should I call you?

Jesus: Well, up there in the sky, I prefer to be greeted as “Sonny Boy.” That’s always been my Dad’s nickname for me, and it has stuck pretty much through the millenniums of time. Anyway, let’s get past the small-talk and discuss the important questions facing mankind on this very inhospitable planet.

Reporter: Yes, Sonny Boy, I was hoping that we could address some of the pressing problems of the world and, in particular, the terrible wars and genocide that have become the norms of this era. I’d like to ask you, if you were in charge, how would you deal with Ukraine and the ongoing carnage of the Palestinians?

Jesus: Well my friend, We are very troubled over those and other situations that threaten the welfare of your world. The optics of schools of fishes, rushing back and forth in a barrel—trying to escape the shooters above—is really awful. Back when Dad and I were creating the world, we really didn’t foresee the possibility that there could be men as wicked and evil as Benjamin Netanyahu—men who would justify killing off the whole of an Arab population, just to defer facing the music, so to speak, of the legal system. I can tell you—because I do have the ability to see the future—that he will eventually be tried and sent to prison, but that won’t be until all the Palestinian people are dead.

And, by the way, I noticed that you only mentioned Ukraine and the Arabs. I’m sure it’s just an oversight on your part, but it seems you should have mentioned my Black children too. They’re being macheted and shot in record numbers and, believe me, Dad and I love them just as much as the fairer races.

Reporter: Oh that’s awful. Can’t you and your Dad do something about it?

Jesus: Well, certainly We have the power, but part of the world plan is to allow everyone their own free agency. So, because of Our own rules, We won’t be interfering. Believe me: It really pains Us both to see the suffering of mankind, and We have a special affection for the displaced, disenfranchised and murdered Arabs, who are now facing a regional extinction like they’ve never faced before. Dad and I have always had the greatest concern for the impoverished and downtrodden, so the plight of the Palestinians causes Us almost unbearable grief. We once looked at the State of Israel in that same sort of light, but it’s become a powerful and proud nation and lost much of its compassion for others. It seems that its people—and particularly its leadership—have lost their ability to discern right from wrong. It certainly appears that, for Israel, as a nation, the emotion of “shame” has been entirely lost.

Reporter: Well, I’m very much inclined to agree with You on that one. Sadly, America’s leadership has failed the Palestinian people, and they have no one to lean on for their salvation. A bit off the subject, I’m wondering: Do You and Your Dad have a preference for any particular group or religion?

Jesus: Not really, but—because I’m really not a “Christian”—I am a bit more inclined toward those religions that don’t use “God” to justify heinous acts. After all, We’re believers in the live-and-let-live philosophy. Were We forced to pick and choose, We’d probably be Buddhists or Hindus. You know, We both really love festivals, and both those religions have so many special holidays on which to celebrate. It’s always great to party and drink, so those religions are Our favorites. That said, I do have a special affection for Muslims and Christians, because they’ve both chosen to give Me and Dad a little of the recognition We enjoy.

Reporter: So, are You mostly happy with what the Muslims and Christians are doing?

Jesus: Hardly! We’re both really pissed off that the stoning of unfaithful women has re-emerged as, supposedly, “Our word,” and We’re very alarmed that the modernization of ideas has not included the natural right of all women to be seen. It is blasphemous to force women to be constantly covered, just like it’s very wrong for the supposed “Christians” to deprive women of their sacred rights of choice.

And, as for the U.S. to dare call itself a “Christian nation,” how could it claim such a stretch of the imagination, when it doesn’t even have the decency to come to the defense of Arab suffering? It seems that your country is more interested in protecting fertilized eggs than in preserving the lives of real people.

Reporter: How about the situation in Ukraine? It certainly appeared that our country was willing and able to come to the aid of the Ukrainians but, somehow, politics got in the way. The killing is continuing, the toll of war has been astronomical and, at least for now, the country is headed towards the obscurity of just another Russian territory. Isn’t Zelenskyy the leader who could save that country?

Jesus: Well, back when he was doing his comedy routines, I really thought he was funny. But now Dad and I are no longer laughing. It’s clear that Ukraine needs a great leader, but he may not be the one to save it. Dad has often cautioned Me not to get involved in politics, but the way I see it, Ukraine has become yet another example of how U.S. meddling in world affairs has backfired and “gone south.”

Reporter: Well, Sonny Boy, I hate to be abrupt, but that’ll have to wrap up the interview for today. After all, the sports games will be coming on in less than three minutes, and there are still a few pharmaceutical ads to air. Thank You so much for being on our show today. I’m sure I speak for all our viewers when I say this has been a very enlightening interview, and Ozempic has been happy to sponsor this hour.

I’d say, “So long, and God bless,” but that would be a bit weird under the circumstances.

The author is a retired businessman, novelist, columnist and former Vietnam-era Army assistant public information officer. He resides in Riverton with his wife, Carol, and their adorable and ferocious dog “Poppy.” comments@cityweekly.net