The hopeless Utah Jazz should draft Caitlin Clark 

Hold on to your Air Jordans, the Utah Jazz’s losing ways could be over. Imagine buying season tickets, not realizing that the front office would trade away all its good players so the Jazz would lose games. What? True story.

At one point this season, the Jazz were 26 and 26—a .500 percentage that could get them into the playoffs. So they traded some players and ended the season with 31 wins and 51 loses. Gone are Simone Fontecchio, Ochai Agbaji and Kelly Olynyk.

Last season, they traded Mike Conley, Nickeil Alexander-Walker, Malik Beasley and Jarred Vanderbilt. And before that, Bojan Bogdanović, Donovan Mitchell, Rudy Gobert, Royce O’Neale and Joe Ingles were shown the door.

It's all part of a strategy to get good draft picks. Really? Let's trade away our good players so we can get some good players?

OK, listen to this: A first-round draft pick in the NBA will get millions but Caitlin Clark—who went first in the WNBA draft on Monday—will make less than $76,000. For real.

It's not fair. So the brain trust at the Jazz should do this: offer Clark $5 million to come to Salt Lake City. She'd be worth every cent, maybe more.

You're right Wilson, it probably won't happen. But wouldn't it be nice to have a team you could really root for instead of The Replacements? There's always next year.

Music Heard at Trump Rallies
1. “God Bless the USA”—Lee Greenwood
2. “Don't Worry Be Happy”—Bobby McFerrin
3. “Rumors of Glory”—Bruce Cockburn
4. “The Pretender”—Jackson Browne
5. “Too Much to Hide”—Joseph Arthur
6. “America Has a Problem”—Beyoncé
7. “Friend Of The Devil”—Grateful Dead
8. “I'm a Loser”—The Beatles
9. “Guilty Filthy Soul”—Awolnation
10. “Phone Call From Leavenworth”—Chris Whitley

Support the Winter Olympics—Or Else
If you're not excited about Salt Lake City's bid for the 2034 Winter Games, better keep your mouth shut. It's kinda like being a Republican in Congress who thinks Donald Trump is a blow-hard fraud and rapist with a crush on Putin. You better keep it to yourself, if you know what's good for you.

Utah's leaders love the Olympics. Salt Lake City's 2002 Winter Games put us on the map. Finally, after all those years of insecurity, we got noticed! Props for us! Now people know we're closer to Vegas than to Chicago, although they still can't pick us out on a map.

The 2002 Winter Games were televised but viewers couldn't tell Mormons from heathens. People around the globe were watching and asking, “Where are all the Mormons?” Funny how they blend in so well.

The folks from the International Olympic Committee (IOC) were here again sizing up the place to see if they should award the 2034 Games to Salt Lake City. Everyone knows that Mitt Romney saved the 2002 Games after Tom Welch was caught wrestling his naked wife in the garage when the cops showed up. It had something to do with his mistress. Not exactly the kind of news coverage Olympic boosters like. This time around, our leaders have been instructed—no naked wrestling.

Postscript—That's a wrap for another beautiful spring week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of O.J. Simpson, so you don't have to. The Juice is dead. It's been three decades since the so-called “trial of the century,” where the football and Hollywood star was on trial for the murders of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and Ronald Goldman.

O.J. was acquitted of homicide—a victory for all of Black America—but later was found liable for their deaths in a civil suit. Can't get more American than that.

Moving on: Headlines this week included this from The Salt Lake Tribune: “In hunt for ‘white elephants’ in Utah, Olympic commission comes up empty-handed.” No Wilson, we have no idea why they were looking for elephants here. Weird.

This headline is from The Washington Post: “Here’s why California is drought-free for a second straight year.” Even the band got that one—rain. Duh.

From the Deseret News: “Climate change is forcing ants in Colorado to migrate.” News you can use?

Daily Beast: “There’s Never Been Anyone More Relatable Than Bigfoot.” Huh? It's actually a review of the new movie, “Sasquatch Sunset,” about a family of Bigfoot—or is it Bigfeet? And yes, Wilson, it's one of those flicks that probably would be better if you're stoned.

Well Wilson, history is being made as we speak. The Donald is on trial in New York City on charges he falsified documents to cover up a sex scandal involving a porn star, right before an election. It's the first criminal trial of an American former president. The poor guy is on a real bummer. So maybe you and the band can give him a sendoff with a little something to brighten his day—or not:

Brother runnin' powder money
Daddy's somewhere on a drunk
In the hours, after washing
I do my dreaming with a gun

So fetch on up your greasy apron
Spread your lover in the straw
Hear me baby, I'm nearly crazy
It's hard living with the law
“Living With the Law”—Chris Whitley