Thong bikinis—Cheeks Ahoy! Rio comes to Zion | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly

Thong bikinis—Cheeks Ahoy! Rio comes to Zion 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Remember the “Girl from Ipanema?” In Brazil, they've been wearing thong bikinis for quite a while now.

You've seen the pictures, all those tanned butts up and down the beach. That's what you expect in Rio de Janeiro. Well Wilson, it's hard to believe but thong bikinis have come to the states—and even right here in Utah you see bare butts all over the place. Rio comes to Zion.

Luckily, the “Word of Wisdom” has nothing to say about thong bikinis. And we're not talkin' one here and there. Go to the park and take a gander at the young women sunning themselves. It's butts up.

No Wilson, we don't know if there is a special butt-tanning lotion, but there could be a good business opportunity there. You could call it Cheeks Ahoy. Makes you wonder what young kids are going to think around the pool come summer.

Hey mom, why is that lady's butt hanging out? Look away, Bobby. But mom, why does she have that thing in her butt crack? Bobby, here's some money. Go get a candy bar and don't hurry.

Butt-crack bikinis can be attractive—or not. Beautiful butts are in the eyes of the beholder. Speaking of which, there's trouble on the horizon. Hold on to your California baggies, soon men will be wearing thong bikinis. Yech. You're right, Wilson, that's just wrong.

Time to Kill Off the Homeless
There are too many homeless people and it's high time we get rid of them. They're camping everywhere and using parks for restrooms and they drive real estate down.

The U.S. Supreme Court soon will consider making homelessness illegal. The idea would be to ticket them and fine them and even jail them. HUD estimates there are some 650,000 homeless, but the reality is closer to 1 million.

Luckily, there are some good ideas out there. One is to drive them like cattle to Canada. Another is to hire the Israelis and force them into the sea, kinda like Gaza. Or we could just send them all to Phoenix, Arizona, where they would soon burn up.

But right now, homelessness is legal following a ruling from the 9th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals: “[T]he Cruel and Unusual Punishments Clause of the Eighth Amendment precludes the enforcement of a statute prohibiting sleeping outside against homeless individuals with no access to alternative shelter.”

If the Supreme Court lets that ruling stand, the whole country could look like San Francisco or New Delhi. Of course, about the time Ronald Reagan moved into the White House homeless people were hard to find. But what's the sense in talking about what causes homelessness when we can just outlaw it and send them to the Galapagos.

Diamond in the Rough
Salt Lake City's Rio Grande District is a miracle waiting to happen ... and waiting and waiting and waiting. Walt Disney took a barren chunk of land in Southern California and turned it into a magic wonderland. Well imagine the magic makeover the mayor and city could do for the Rio Grande district—once home to the homeless and an open-air drug market.

You may be pleased to know there are brand new plans for the area just west of the historic Rio Grande Depot. It's going to be swell—even more sweller than the last plan that wasn't implemented. It'll be something like Bourbon Street in New Orleans, sans the Bourbon and the beads.

With a cost of $5 billion it will be so cool as to be unbelievable. Many of the details are under wraps, but sources who wished to remain anonymous tell Smart Bomb that plans include coordinating transportation systems with a wild mouse connecting Front Runner to the light rail—people could jump off at Festival Street. OK, what is Festival Street? Much like Main Street U.S.A. at Disneyland, it will feature fun stuff for the whole family, like Mr. Toad's bridal gowns, Bear County lingerie and Frontierland Gun Shop. But like it has been for decades, plans remain in flux. For updates check back in 2028. It's going to be so cooooool. Just wait.

Postscript—Alright that's going to do it for another fun-filled week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of the room temperature at Trump's “hush-money” porn star trial so you don't have to. Fact is, it's just damn cold in there. But even with the AC on blast, the former president keeps dozing off. His defense team is working feverishly to come up with ways to keep him awake, including putting chili powder in his Gucci loafers and Bengay in his Jockeys. Something burning?

Here's an item from our “New Celebs” file. “The Devil Wears Prada” and so does Caitlin Clark. At the presser where she announced signing with the Indiana Fever, the b-ball scoring phenom who was No. 1 in the WNBA draft, was outfitted by—you guessed it—Prada. She cut a stylish figure sporting a double white satin shirt and skirt with an embroidered rhinestone mesh top—the first basketball player to be dressed by the luxury label for draft night.

Prada isn't paying her, but Nike is. Clark has reportedly signed an eight-year, $28 million deal with the shoemaker. That should help make up for her $76,000 WNBA salary. Just imagine, five years ago she was a kid trying out for the Iowa women's basketball team. You're right Wilson, that's one heck of an education.

Well Wilson, swimsuit season is upon us. Soon there will be a lot of flesh on display. At the pool and the park young folks will be working on tans and the side-effect called skin cancer. Utah has the highest skin cancer rate in the nation. For real. But forget that for a minute and get the band to play a little something for our soon-to-be thong-wearing friends:

Tall and tan and young and lovely
The girl from Ipanema goes walking
And when she passes
Each one she passes goes—ah

When she walks, she's like a samba
That swings so cool and sways so gentle
That when she passes
Each one she passes goes—ooh

But I watch her so sadly
How can I tell her I love her
Yes I would give my heart gladly
But each day, when she walks to the sea
She looks straight ahead, not at me

Tall and tan and young and lovely
The girl from Ipanema goes walking
And when she passes, I smile
But she doesn't see
She just doesn't see, she never sees me ...
“Girl From Ipanema”—Lyrics written in Portuguese by Vinicius de Moraes, 1962, with music by Antonio Carlos Jobin. English lyrics written by Norman Gimbel, 1963.

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