Conservative-Speak—or How to Understand the GOP 

The staff here at Smart Bomb has a helluva time trying to figure out what goes on inside the heads of Republican lawmakers here and in D.C. So we brought in linguistic etymologists from the Larry H. Miller Group to help out with some definitions:

1. "Free Agency"—"don't get out of line, dude."
2. "Democratic Republic"—"our way or the highway."
3. Legalizing medical marijuana—"no, no, no, you can't smoke it no mo."
4. Expanded Medicaid—"bonuses for people who choose to be poor."
5. Bears Ears—"lands stolen from white-man's extractive industries."
6. Tax cuts for the wealthy—"economic necessity to keep America free."
7. Liquor—"the Devil's work that is very profitable."
8. Air pollution—"a refreshing and healthy mist that warms the cold Earth."
9. Democrat—"sleazy socialist lazy evil bastards."
10. Republican—"freedom fighters who love Donald Trump's Real America."

Stewart Unwittingly Praises Biden's Spending Plan
Last week, Utah Republican Chris Stewart took to Twitter with an urgent Socialism Alert: "This is the socialist laundry list that your hard-earned taxpayer money is going towards," he ranted. Here's one of many Twitter responses reported by Huffington Post: "This list is awesome! These items will help millions of people live better lives. If only the Democrats could message this well!"—Daylin Leach.

"Socialist Laundry List" a la Chris Stewart:
Climate Crisis—$555 billion
Expanded child and earned income tax credits—$200 billion
Medicaid and Affordable Care Act expansion—$300 billion
Medicare hearing benefit—$35 billion
In-home care access—$150 billion
Affordable housing—$150 billion
Worker training and higher education—$40 billion
Other spending—$90 billion
Total—$1.75 trillion
Here's another response tweet by Simon Thompson—"OH MY GOD! Not healthcare, education and affordable housing?!?!?!?! Anything but THAT!?!?!"

Hallelujah, it's Book Burning Time Again
It's time once again for a good ol' fashioned book burning. Them libtards have been filling our school libraries with books that will turn them kids into ... well, libtards. It's one thing to teach critical race theory, where white kids are told they're evil, but it's quite another to teach stuff like "Dick and Jane." The kid's name is "Dick" for cryin' out loud. And Spot? Where do you think that came from?

Folks are starting to wake up. First it was masks, then when the kids were stuck at home, parents began to realize they had been taught some hateful stuff, like how to hate Jesus and America. But seriously folks, this is no laughing matter.

Richard Price, associate professor at Weber State University, writes a blog called "Adventures in Censorship." "What I've started to call more and more frequently the war on books, it's getting wrapped up in all kinds of anti-school activities."

He recounts that a legislator in Texas issued a demand to all schools in the state to report how many books they have from a list of 850 "objectionable" titles. "There is no explanation of what makes these books objectionable," Price said, "but basically they are nearly all by or about people of color, women, and/or LGBTQ people." After they burn all those books, they can get started on laptops.

Postscript—I wish I was in the land of cotton, old times there are not forgotten: Look away! look away! Look away Dixie Land. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet—or not.

Well that just about does it for another week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Dixie State University, so you don't have to. Don't look now, but cancel culture is about to erase the name "Dixie State" in St. George on account of ... something to do with slavery.

Next year, it will be called Utah Tech University. But until then, we can keep singing: Dar's buckwheat cakes and Injun batter, makes you fat a little fatter: Look away! Look away! Look away Dixie Land. Not exactly a Mormon hymn, but what the heck.

If you still need a sign that the good ol' days are over, try this: Alta ski area will charge $25 just to park this winter on weekends and holidays. And you thought their chili was expensive. The Town of Alta will follow suit. Backcountry skiers—don't you dare whine.

Utah voters, through a ballot initiative, created an independent redistricting commission to draw voting district maps. Republican lawmakers summarily shit-canned them in favor of gerrymandered maps ensuring that no Utah Democrat ever goes to Washington, D.C. Look away, look away Dixie Land!

Well, Wilson, the white men on the hill are living up to their reputation, proving again that things can always get worse. What's a mother to do? Maybe you and the guys in the band can give us some perspective on where the hell we are with all this:

A world become one
Of salads and sun
Only a fool would say that
A boy with a plan
A natural man
Wearing a white stetson hat
I heard it was you
Talkin' 'bout a world
Where all is free
It just couldn't be
And only a fool would say that

The man in the street
Draggin' his feet
Don't wanna hear the bad news
Imagine your face
There in his place
Standing inside his brown shoes

I heard it was you
Talkin' 'bout a world
Where all is free
It just couldn't be
And only a fool would say that
"Only A Fool Would Say That"—Steely Dan