Miami Beach says ‘F--- off’ to debauching spring breakers 

Warning: All you college skankers, frat boys and sorority girls who want fun in the sun on spring break, stay away from Miami Beach! That's an order! Denizens of the seaside paradise are done with all-night street parties, stages full of half-naked female college students and, not least, nudity on the beach.

“This isn't working anymore. And it's not us, it's you,” says a YouTube video produced by the municipality—part of its campaign to keep spring-breakers at bay. “You just want to get drunk in public and ignore the laws.”

Well Wilson, spring break has become something of an American tradition, even a rite of passage for some college students. If it's worth doin', it's worth overdoin'.

Of course, there are other locales along the Florida coast and Texas gulf where partiers can let it all hang out—and these days practically anything goes, including students making sex tapes at sex parties. Yikes! Where's Marjorie Taylor Greene when you need her?

Miami Beach restaurants, shops and hotels will miss out on hundreds of millions of dollars generated during the two-week annual ritual. But enough is too much. Several stampedes tore the place apart last year, now Miami Beach leaders are breaking up with spring break: Go get ripped and shake your bootie somewhere else. And don't come back!

Republicans: Women, Get Back in the Kitchen
Not everyone had the guts to watch Alabama Republican Sen. Katie Boyd Britt deliver the rebuttal to President Joe Biden's State of the Union address. Lucky them, they may have escaped a case of PTSD—post-traumatic shit-show delirium. Or maybe it was a parody of I Love Lucy on LSD.

Even Britt's GOP colleagues were baffled by her comments, which veered from dramatic to breathy to smiley-sweet as she highlighted the kitchen as the place women make decisions and stirred up something very cheesy. It looked like one of those cooking shows, retorted one female colleague.

If the GOP brain trust was looking to capture the suburban women vote, they may have burned the casserole. Republican pollster Christine Matthews put it this way: “[I]t sends the message that Republicans are literally trying to send women back to the kitchen.”

The 42-year-old mom and kitchen whiz hit all the GOP's usual talking points, adding that sex assault is the worst thing that can happen to a woman but forgetting, apparently, the man she endorsed for president, Donald Trump, was found liable for sexually assaulting writer E. Jean Carroll.

“What the hell am I watching,” screeched one Trump staffer to The Guardian newspaper. No, it wasn't a Saturday Night Live skit—but it soon would be.

Pentagon Report: UFO Cover up? What Cover Up?
Hey Wilson, you know those glowing footprints you and guys in the band see after some of your late-night gigs? Well, according to a new report from the Pentagon, they aren't from space aliens.

The All-domain Anomaly Resolution Office (AARO) of the Department of Defense (We are not making this up) found no evidence that extraterrestrial intelligence has visited Earth, reports The Washington Post, or that they have recovered crashed alien spacecraft and are hiding them from the public. The report has done nothing to quell conspiracy theories that the AARO has a pile of evidence on UFOs—now called “unidentified anomalous phenomena,” or UAPs—including civilian and military witness accounts.

Skeptics say the government created elaborate systems to cover up the evidence but has a secret repository of downed alien spacecraft and corpses. That brings up a serious question, Wilson: What does an alien corpse look like and does the AARO have more than one species? Do these alien corpses have two arms and two legs? Are they like ants or humanoids? Do they look like Klingons, E.T. or SpongeBob SquarePants? And what about Body Snatchers? Could Taylor Swift's body have been snatched by aliens, like Donald Sutherland. No conspiracy? Hah.

Postscript—That's going to do it for another crazy week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Taylor Swift so you don't have to. Well, OK, that's not exactly accurate, because Taylor Swift is everywhere and you're going to keep track of her whether you like it or not.

Get this—Weber State, BYU and Harvard offer classes on Taylor Swift. No Wilson, we're not sure what people do in Taylor Swift class. Maybe they listen to her songs and then ... we give up.

News Flash—Salt Lake City made national headlines when the Weathered Waves bar posted its “No Zionists Allowed” policy. It was, of course, a reaction to the war in Gaza, where 30,000 Palestinian have been killed from Israeli bombing and now they are starving to death due to blockades. A majority of them are women and children.

The Utah Department of Alcoholic Beverage Services received a raft of complaints that Weathered Waves was discriminating—but what are the identifying features of a Zionist? It's like saying no Republicans allowed, but they don't wear bright red letters on their foreheads that say GOP, although that's not a bad idea. Not to worry, DABS has asked our intrepid attorney general, Sean Reyes, to look into it. That ought to make you feel better 'cause he's so f--king great. Well, not exactly.

Alright Wilson, it's the perfect time to recognize those dedicated UFO watchers who track the government's efforts to cover up the aliens that keep orbiting our planet. But why the aliens don't just come down and introduce themselves is a mystery. Earth has stuff they might really enjoy, like sushi and gelato and spring break videos. So, hit it Wilson:

Woke up this morning with light in my eyes
And then realized it was still dark outside
It was a light coming down from the sky
I don't know who or why

Hey Mr. Spaceman, won't you please take me along
I won't do anything wrong
Hey Mr. Spaceman, won't you please take me along
For a ride
“Mr. Spaceman”—The Byrds