Utah’s 'Life Elevated'—20,000 rubber chickens. 

Utah and its residents can be proud of a lot of things. True, the state Legislature often acts like a bunch of circus monkeys, the state liquor store doesn't sell cold beer 'cause it would promote drinking and ... well, the list goes on.

But we have cool stuff, too. Wilson, did you know that the first KFC was right here on State Street in South Salt Lake? True story.

Think of it, Colonel Sanders is now worldwide—you can get drumsticks in Vietnam and India. Utah had the first department store—Zions Cooperative Mercantile Institution, aka ZCMI, and it's still here. A Utah native, Walter Fredrick Morrison, invented the Frisbee. But get this: Another native son, Philo T. Farnsworth, invented TV. You're right Wilson, that is big.

Here's a shocker: Loftus International, based in Salt Lake City, sells some 20,000 rubber chickens each year. That's a lot of rubber chickens. Why don't we have that on our “Life Elevated” billboards? Utah, of course, has many natural wonders, but this is not one of them although it is notable.

Lake Powell—it's actually a man-made reservoir—has more shoreline than the U.S. West Coast. (Put an asterisk here, it's drying up.) Imagine what might have been if, when Brigham Young arrived at the Valley of the Great Salt Lake in 1847, a soothsayer had told him all this stuff would come true. Rather than saying, “This is the place,” he might have uttered something like, “Holy shit.” Then the edifice at the mouth of Emigration Canyon would be called the Holy Shit Monument. Just a thought.

Relaxed and Depressed? You Must Live in Salt Lake City
If you're just checking in to see what condition your condition is in, you might be interested in a new study that finds Utah's capital is one of the most relaxed cities in America. Wilson and the guys in the band are just one example of how mellow and laid back we really are—unless driving or talking to missionaries.

But there is a catch, according to a study by Ben's Natural Health that analyzed 31 U.S. cities. (We are not making this up.) It found that 22.7% of Salty City residents suffer from depression. Bummer.

But Wilson does make a good point: How do you distinguish between “relaxed” and “depressed”—some depressed people look relaxed and vice versa. One metric might be the assumption that depressed people eat more ice cream and drink more Mountain Dew than other folks. By contrast, Salt Lakers who are simply relaxed but not depressed tend toward iced caramel macchiatos. Wilson would like to make another point about herbal self- medication, but we'll skip that for now.

It's not all bad news: Salt Lake City is not in the Top 10 for ice cream consumption. Some other places might be even more depressed. However, we are still Numero Uno when it comes to Bill Cosby's favorite dessert—Jell-O!

Leaving Jell-O vodka shooters aside, you've got to believe that's a good thing. It is our state snack, after all. And like Jell-O, we do jiggle a lot.

Trump E-bikes—World’s Best—Get Yours Now!
Hey Wilson, do you need a new watch? You and the guys in the band might want to jump on this. The Trump Victory Tourbillon watch is only $100,000. It's a deal 'cause they're already historic.

How many former presidents hawked watches? Just imagine how much they'll be worth later. On second thought, never mind.

“Exciting” is the only way to describe the Trump World Catalog: Bibles—$60; digital trading cards—$99 each; gold “Never Surrender” high top sneakers—$400; Trump coins—$100 each.

But wait, there's more. Soon to be released, according to unnamed sources: Donald Trump E-bikes! These Trumpozilla E-bikes blow the competition away. All Trumpozilla bikes come standard with the heavy-duty Mar-A-Lago frame, Stormy-D disk brakes and unparalleled E. Jean Carroll drivetrain. It's a steal for only $7,999. And get this, they have Trump's signature in gold paint.

And you'll be stylin' in your Trump Apparel spandex onesie. This beautiful unisex gold cycling outfit comes with Trump's name on the front, back and down the legs. And with the purchase of any Trumpozilla E-bike, you get the onesie for only $499. Be the envy of your red-state neighborhood.

Get 'em while supplies last. Next week, look for Don's Cheater Championship golf clubs. You'll never shoot a bad round again.

Postscript—That's a wrap for another beautiful week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of LDS general authorities, so you don't have to. Here's an interesting headline from The Salt Lake Tribune: “He’s a Democrat and an environmentalist. How did he end up an LDS general authority?” Just shocking!

Here in Zion, Democrats and environmentalists are thought to be in league with Beelzebub. The headline more than suggests a liberal tree-hugger. Of course, we're talking about Steven E. Snow, the former historian for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He once said climate change is real and he still has a Temple Recommend.

This could be a breakthrough, Wilson. Other Mormon environmentalists might think it's safe to come out of the closet. They might say stuff like, it's OK to save the Great Salt Lake. Well, maybe that's going a little too far.

If God wanted to save the lake, he'd tell legislators that it's time to stop using Bear River water to grow alfalfa that is shipped to China. Maybe start with something a little less in your face, like regulations aimed at reducing industrial pig-farm waste. It's a slippery slope (no pun intended).

Here's a headline from the Deseret News: “Former GOP Sen. Jeff Flake (a Mormon) explains his endorsement of Kamala Harris.” Next these rebels will be singing “This Land Is Your Land,” a known socialist anthem directly in conflict with free market capitalism. What's next, Social Security and Medicare? Oh wait ...

Well Wilson, your pal Kris Kristofferson has ridden off into the sunset after 88 years on planet Earth. He was one helluva singer/songwriter and a good movie actor to boot. One of his many songs became a popular anthem that still resonates today: “Me and My Bobby McGee”—made famous by his friend and fellow Texan, Janis Joplin. So what do you say Wilson, get the band off their duffs and let's send old Kris off in style:

Busted flat in Baton Rouge, waiting for a train
I was feeling near as faded as my jeans
Bobby thumbed a diesel down just before it rained
And rode us all the way to New Orleans

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose
Nothing, and that's all that Bobby left me, yeah
And feeling good was easy Lord, when he sang the blues
Hey, feeling good was good enough for me, hmm hmm
Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee “Me and My Bobby McGee”—Kris Kristofferson