‘Utah Hockey Club’? Oh no, say it ain’t so! 

Well, this is embarrassing. Utah's new hockey club has been named, “Utah Hockey Club.” What? No! Say it ain't so. What if we get a Major League Baseball franchise and they name it “Utah Baseball Franchise?”

You're right Wilson, it's like an acid flashback to the '70s, when people named stuff with generic labels. Hence: “The Pie” pizzeria; Bob Dylan's backup band was dubbed “The Band;” a Salt Lake City-based photographer called himself “The Photographer” on business cards ... and so it went.

Recently, you may recall, “Utah Hockey Club” was among the monikers entered in a naming contest by the franchise once known as the Arizona Coyotes that now makes its home in Salt Lake City. Some of the other submissions included Utah Mammoth, Utah Outlaws and Utah Venom.

Not satisfied, the staff here at Smart Bomb also held a naming contest. Here are some of our readers suggestions: Swarming Crickets; Stormin' Mormons; Utah Missionaries; Skating Apostles; Ice Quorum; Salt Lake Salamanders and Flying Saints—any one of which beats the pants off “Utah Hockey Club.”

Imagine this conversation:
Guy one—”Hey man, you gotta hockey team in Salt Lake?”
Guy two—”Yeah, we do.”
Guy one—”Well, what's it called?”
Guy two—”Hockey Club.”
Guy one—”Right, but what's it's name?”
Guy two—”Hockey Club.”
Guy one—”Do you have a learning disability? What is it called?”
Guy two—”Hockey Club.”
Guy one—”You're sick, you know that?”

“Fly Brain” No Insult—Even to Marjorie Taylor Greene
Georgia firebrand Marjorie Taylor Green (MTG) might not believe it—or maybe she would—but scientists have just mapped the fruit fly brain. No Wilson, we're not making this up—they have mapped more than 50 million connections in a brain the size of a poppy seed! WOW!

“They eat. They navigate toward [smell signals],” said John Ngai, director of the National Institutes of Health’s BRAIN Initiative. “They show very sophisticated behaviors like mating behaviors, behaviors of aggression and other social behaviors.”

And they can see ultraviolet light. It makes you wonder, Wilson, what could happen if MTG got a hold of this information? Remember she said California's deadly Camp Fire in 2018 was caused by Jewish space lasers; called Barack Obama a muslim; said the deadly Parkland school shooting where 17 people died was made up; and that the mass shooting that killed 58 concert-goers in Las Vegas was a government-orchestrated plan to strip away Second Amendment rights.

We could go on forever, but ... her latest conspiracy is that the weather can be controlled. Regarding Hurricane Helene, MTG posted that, “Yes, they can control the weather. It’s ridiculous for anyone to lie and say it can’t be done.” OK Wilson, go ahead, say it: “It can't be done.”

Scientists hope someday to map the human brain. It could lead to treatment of dementia and other ills. But researchers shouldn't use MTG as a participant. She could skew results toward the fruit fly.

Can’t Believe Their Lyin’ Eyes
Hey Wilson, have you heard the rumor that Trump and his minions planned a coup on Jan. 6, 2021, that led to a giant mob attacking the Capitol Building in Washington D.C.? A majority of folks who identify as Republicans and Trump supporters say it's just make believe.

They might be surprised to know that a St. George man has just been arrested for his part in the rampage. He's the 18th Utahn to be arrested for the Jan. 6 upheaval.

Across the nation, some 1,200 have been charged—460 of them got prison sentences. That's quite something when you consider Jan. 6 was just another ordinary day at the capital: families visiting the hallowed halls of our government.

Former President Donald Trump said recently that all he did on the fateful day was give a speech. He said in part: “You've got to fight like hell ... and if you don't you're not going to have a country.” Trump told the crowd of thousands that he would march with them to Capitol Hill. (The Secret Service would not allow him to go. Darn the luck.)

Last week, a 165-page legal brief was unsealed in federal court with more evidence of Trump's activities that day. According to the document, Trump said to his daughter Ivanka: “It doesn't matter if you won or lost the election. You still have to fight like hell.”

Of course, it's all made up, because how could there be more evidence for something that didn't happen? Or maybe Republicans just can't believe their lyin' eyes.

Postscript—That's gonna do it for another balmy Indian Summer week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of impending cataclysms so you don't have to. Well Wilson, Zion may not be perfect but at least we don't have hurricanes. Talk about the Mean Season. Yowza!

Florida has alligators, water moccasins and flying bugs big enough to carry off little children. Why do people live there, anyway? Because it doesn't snow. Duh.

Of course, we do have our share of dangers here, as well. We've got the Inland Port Authority, the State Trust Lands Administration, the Utah Alcohol Beverages Service Commission, the Mormon Genealogy Library, the State Division of Air Quality and Sen. Mike “I'm-A-Genius” Lee.

But not to worry, said Russell M. Nelson, the 100-year-old leader of the Mormon Church, last weekend: “The Savior is coming again.” Finally Wilson, some good news. When he gets here he may be surprised to find his stepbrother, Donald J. Trump, whom white evangelicals say was sent by God. It gives new meaning to the words “impending cataclysm.”

You're probably right Wilson, we're going to need some real divine intervention to keep the country together after the Nov. 5 election. Maybe we should pray that Jesus gets here fast. It couldn't hurt.

Some of the guys in the Smart Bomb Band think folks worry too much about the election, the wars in the Middle East and Ukraine, global climate change, the price of gasoline and eggs, and whether the Utah Jazz have a snowball's chance of making the playoffs. So Wilson, get the guys to put down the bong and take us outta here with some feel-good theme to boost our spirits:

That's great! It starts with an earthquake
Birds and snakes, an aeroplane
and Lenny Bruce is not afraid

It's the end of the world as we know it
It's the end of the world as we know it
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine
“It's The End Of The World As We Know It”—R.E.M.