The ‘War on Christmas’ resumes and Mike Lee hopes Santa will stuff his stocking with MAGA money 

Utah Senator-for-life Mike Lee asked Santa for donations from the fake electors who he hoped would throw the 2020 presidential election to Trump.

Not long after Joe Biden's victory, the Utah senator had sneaky tête-à-têtes with Santa's helpers—state legislators, congressmen, senators and the White House—scheming to keep Donald Trump in power. The ruse was to use fake electors in swing states to throw the election into enough chaos that it would lead to the House of Representatives choosing the president. Voilà! Trump is reelected.

The scam fizzled—such a shame—but on the bright side, Christmas came early for Lee. Those fake electors have donated at least $25,000 to Lee’s campaign fund and PAC stockings.

Recently, Lee pushed the debunked accusation that FBI agents were spearheading the Jan. 6 Capitol insurrection. Right, when Trump told his supporters to come to D.C. on Jan. 6 because “it's going to be wild,” he was really saying federal agents would overthrow the government.

That should be worth a lot more cash for Lee. You see, Lee's caught on to the Trump strategy perfected by Marjorie Taylor Greene: say crazy stuff and watch Santa make your coffers grow and grow. Once squeaky-clean Mike Lee has drunk the Kool-Aid and Christmas is now year-round. Deck the halls!

Oh Come Ye, ‘Tis the Season for the War on Christmas
Yes, it's that time of year again, when festivities abound with giving and brotherhood and the celebration of a White Christian Nation—Christmas.

But wait, there is something sinister afoot. Yes, it's The War on Christmas by liberals, the ACLU, Jews, Muslims and Klingons. For them, saying “Merry Christmas” is like saying “Hang Mike Pence,” and they insist the First Amendment is about freedom of religion for Jews and Muslims, too. If elementary kids say, “Merry Christmas,” it's a slur against non-believers.

Luckily, we have a Christian warrior against the War on Christmas—the newly anointed Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. He fights so school kids can say, “Merry Christmas,” instead of, “Happy Holidays”—a very un-Christlike salutation that undercuts White Christian Nationalism.

“The ultimate goal of the enemy is silencing the gospel of Jesus,” Johnson said. “This is spiritual warfare.”

Some of those liberals say that “Happy Holidays” is more inclusive and allows Jews and Muslims to feel included in the festivities. But former Fox host Bill O'Reilly set the record straight in 2016: “That (Christmas) culture war issue ignited and we won,” adding, “Donald Trump is on the case.”

So, if you want a beautiful White Nationalist Christian nation, vote Trump. Merry Christmas!

Ranked Choice Voting and Italian Satellites
Hey Wilson, have you and the guys in the band heard of this thing called ranked choice voting?

Well, someone somewhere decided the voting system that we've been using since 1789 wasn't good enough. It's not that things weren't working as they should—except maybe for the election of Trump—but some folks like to change things just for the sake of change, or maybe they got tired of losing.

Anyway, it goes like this: voters rank the candidates in order—first, second, third and so on. If a candidate wins a majority of first-preference votes, they win. But if none get a majority, then the candidate with the least first-preference votes bites the dust.

OK, so this is where you really have to be sober to grasp this. All the first-preference votes for the failed candidate are erased and the second-preference votes on those ballots are elevated to first-preference. Then a new count of first-preference votes is tallied and so on.

You're right Wilson, Republicans would immediately be screaming “voter fraud from Italian satellites.” If they don't comprehend the old way of balloting, how will they ever accept results from the ranked choice system? You can guess what'll happen when the Freedom Caucus and Marjorie Taylor Greene get ahold of this: Jan. 6 will actually look like a patriotic family picnic.

Postscript—That's going to do it for another carefree week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Paris Hilton so you don't have to. Hey Wilson, do you know what Paris Hilton named her new baby daughter? London. London Hilton.

Yes, we know you and the band once stayed at the London Hilton. Her first child is a boy named Phoenix. So there's Paris, Phoenix and London.

The staff got to thinking about possible names for her next kid. One of the staff's favorite choices is Tooele—Tooele Hilton. It has a ring to it. Another staff pick is Beaver, which could be for a boy or a girl. Beaver Hilton. Well, maybe not for a girl.

The best one for a girl is Tabiona. Tabiona Hilton. How sweet.

Changing gears—here's an example of why Americans are in a bad mood. Topher Olive went to a McDonald’s in Post Falls, Idaho, according to The Washington Post, and ordered a limited edition “smoky” double quarter pounder BLT with fries and a Sprite. Total cost: $16.10.

It sticks in the craw. Even though unemployment is down and wages are up, Americans remain bummed out. Inflation. Of course, it's Joe Biden's fault. But the White House has a plan called “Burgernomics” where, theoretically, fast food will trickle down to people jonesing for burgers and fries and McNugget Happy Meals.

Well Wilson, like it or not Christmas is upon us. There's Black Friday and Cyber Monday and people spend a lot of money and businesses make beaucoup bucks. But where in all this is the guy from Nazareth? He preached to the poor and discouraged hoarding earthly possessions.

So Wilson, if you can, please take us out with something with love and salvation—we need it:

Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river
You can hear the boats go by / You can spend the night beside her
And you know that she's half crazy / But that's why you want to be there
And she feeds you tea and oranges / That come all the way from China
And just when you mean to tell her / That you have no love to give her
Then she gets you on her wavelength / And she lets the river answer
That you've always been her lover / And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind / And you know that she will trust you
For you've touched her perfect body with your mind.

Now Suzanne takes your hand / And she leads you to the river
She is wearing rags and feathers / From Salvation Army counters
And the sun pours down like honey / On our lady of the harbor
And she shows you where to look / Among the garbage and the flowers
There are heroes in the seaweed / There are children in the morning
They are leaning out for love / And they will lean that way forever
While Suzanne holds the mirror / And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind / And you know that you can trust her
For she's touched your perfect body with her mind.
“Suzanne”—Leonard Cohen