Hate to interrupt, but it’s time for another letter from God 

Hi there, Kiddies,
I hate to interrupt at such a busy time, but I’m finding myself just a bit lonely for some company. Gertrude—aka Mrs. God—is off on yet another galactic cruise with Father and some of his favorite angels. They won’t be back for two weeks, so my choices for conversation are pretty meager.

Even HG, as we call him up here, has been totally absorbed in the upcoming holiday. He keeps pestering me for suggestions on what to wear for Halloween, and I’ve just about had it. Of course, my advice to him has been simple. “Why not go as the friendly ghost?”

So much for my own frustrations. Now it’s time to talk about you. It seems you kids are always scurrying about like mice running from a cat. I don’t mind you staying busy: After all, idleness is Lucifer’s workshop, but I’m pretty disappointed with mankind’s silly, mindless pursuits—particularly when there’s so much that’s really serious. It seems that all your intense enthusiasm for pro and college sports, chasing the latest hip clothing styles and junkie-ing non-stop between your favorite news stations and true-crime series have distracted you from the really important issues.

And, in the past couple thousand years, those “really important issues” have been pretty much the same. When I was younger, I was big on sending plagues, swallowing entire armies in horrific inundations, and doing some pretty big-time mass murders. But, keep in mind, that was the Old Testament Me, and time has had a very mellowing effect. I’m sick of violence and suffering, so today I’m all about peace and love.

Yes, I hope you’ll repeat that over and over. Peace and love.

It's been a few months since I wrote my last letter to my earthling flock, but all the killing has become a pressing matter; I’m feeling really disappointed and unhappy—so bad that I’ve asked my angels to play their harps in a minor key.

Even that’s been backfiring. They did obey me, but it seems that some of the merriest songs are the ones from Fiddler on the Roof—lots of minor keys, but nevertheless happy. I guess I’ll have to have them play the “Volga Boatman” and some other depressing Russian works. The tone needs to fit my mood and, believe me, I’m in a very bad one.

I know you kids thrive on my love and approval, but it’s becoming progressively more obvious that you are on a collision course with a disaster that may never end. As your Father, I know it’s my duty to provide guidance, and this time I know that you babies need a serious reprimand, a big hairbrush on the rear and some heavy-duty encouragement.

I was once rather fond of Benjamin Netanyahu, but then he started doing things that compromised his salvation. Even considering my own horrific purges of the unrighteous during earlier times, I can no longer condone the wanton destruction of entire cities. Hate has turned everything into a nightmare.

Also, I find the little prick’s amusement over the walkie-talkies and pager explosions to be just another example of mankind’s descent into the realms of evil. When I see Israel’s intelligence service laughing about the pain and suffering they caused with a push of a button, I want to throw up.

In fact, while they laughed about it—rejoicing in Israel’s long arm, clever spy tactics, inventive manufacturing and the meticulous planning that went into the carnage—I did, in fact, get nauseous. (Sorry about that, Bibi, but that storm the other day wasn’t merely funny-smelling snow falling on your house.) Arghhh.

Bibi, don’t you think it’s about time that you made human life more important than escaping your criminal consequences? Selfishness is, to put it bluntly, the death of the soul, Benjamin. I am the ultimate arbiter of human worth, and I’ve already written you off 100%.

Moses brought you my word, in stone, and you must remember that “Thou shalt not kill” was, and still is, one of my highest laws. Oh sure, you can preach your tit-for-tat, an eye for an eye, but this isn’t exactly fair recompense. One year ago, Israel lost more than 1,200 people in a senseless attack, and now you’re going to say that 44,000 bodies, and counting, is somehow the right response?

Shame on you, Netanyahu. In a sense, Hamas only kicked you in the shins, and yet you’re so full of hate, you won’t be satisfied until you’ve largely erased some of my favorite people from the planet. It offends me, to no end, that the U.S. continues to provide you with unlimited weapons of death. You’ve left destruction and bloodshed on multiple fronts , Bibi, yet your tanks and planes are ever-relentless, finding more of My children to destroy.

That said, what the hell happened to all the churches that profess to follow my precepts? I don’t hear loud, clear messages proclaiming that murder is wrong. Most of your religions have failed in their mission—to declare that every life is precious and sacred.

From the world’s pulpits, belltowers, and parapets, the words should be ringing: Stop the killing. End the madness. Save the world.

Well, Kiddies, that’s all for now. Yours always,
God

The author is a retired businessman, novelist, columnist and former Vietnam-era Army assistant public information officer. He resides in Riverton with his wife, Carol, and their adorable and ferocious dog “Poppy.”