The Trump pandemic is killing us. 

It’s hard to say exactly where it came from, but the curse of TRUMVID-2016 has been the most persistent and troublesome pandemic in our country’s relatively short history.

Reminiscent of the plagues that God, reportedly, sent to humble the Israelites, there is hardly a man, woman or family that has not been impacted by what can only be described as the worst health crisis to ever befall our nation. Named for its own, darling poster boy, TRUMVID-2016 continues, after more than eight years, as America’s greatest health threat.

It’s certainly not like the typical maladies. The symptoms are unique from any other disease: 1) sore throats from cheering at MAGA rallies; 2) magical, delusional thinking and a disconnect with reality; 3) the inclination to avoid all moral and ethical thinking, in favor of believing that a “pandemic” can save our country; 4) redefinition of what constitutes the crime of treason; 5) poor oxygen saturation levels caused by holding one’s breath out of a morbid fear that our democracy is crumbling; 6) a sudden pride in announcing, “I graduated from the third grade, and I’m so proud of that;” and 7) the cult mentality of joining in the applause for a man who represents everything that’s been—and continues to be—wrong with our country, specifically the acquisition of riches by America’s most entitled at everyone else’s expense.

Some have suggested that the health crisis is one of our own making and that, had we been more righteous, had we been more fervent in our faithful daily incantations, had we sacrificed more virgin goats as an emblem of our penitence and included eye of newt in our daily lunchtime soup bowl, the pandemic could have been gone virtually overnight.

Certainly, the most authentic Christians—not the showtime cheerleaders on Trump’s pay list—will credit the mess to God’s anger over the wickedness of our country and its departure from all 10 of the commandments. Somehow, the little cheering group that constantly promotes a love-of-God purpose in keeping the TRUMVID-2016 pandemic alive has a poor grasp of what it means to be a Christian.

Of course, everyone has a theory, but there’s so much disinformation out there, it’s been virtually impossible to pin down the source. Some say that TRUMVID-2016 escaped from a research lab in Russia. Others believe it was intentionally released from a test tube in China or North Korea. Considering that Donald Trump has an ongoing love affair with all these countries, that’s certainly a logical possibility.

And yet, there’s only one thing we know for sure: TRUMVID-2016 is a persistent plague and America’s most serious pandemic in history. A few of the most prominent pandemic specialists say that this, like so many terrible health threats, is likely mosquito-borne and that it could have been totally avoided by merely draining the Washington, D.C. swamp. Should they be right, spraying a thin coat of crude oil over the D.C. wetland could have killed off the suspected host organism.

Personally, I’m guessing that’s the likely culprit. But the possibility of draining the swamp has been alarmingly elusive, one that even the most powerful Harbor Freight sump pump and a multi-year drought would be unable to stem.

As an opinion columnist, I am constantly challenged by the question: What should I write about this week? As much as I’d like to avoid the subject of America’s no. 1 healthcare crisis, Trump is the subject that’s dominating the media. It’s simply hard to think of anything else.

Even the refreshing emergence of Kamala Harris and her down-home VP running mate have done little to erase the curse. It’s hard to keep a balanced view when there’s one subject that’s forever playing on my eyes and ears.

A good friend of mine has suggested that I am contributing to the ongoing pandemic of TRUMVID-2016 by the mere mention of Trump’s name. “After all,” he pointed out, “you know that Trump considers all publicity to be good. It doesn’t matter how negative or offensive the coverage is. The reality is that the pandemic thrives, even when the media is calling Trump out on his lies, debauchery and criminality.”

His observation, which seems very sound to me, is to simply avoid the subject of the Trump pandemic and focus on the more positive aspects of what’s ahead. That said, there’s an opportunity here—to use Trump’s own clever cures to end the current health threat. So, let’s look at his original list of solutions to COVID 19 and come up with a plan.

I know, you’re eyeing that bottle of Listerine on your medicine cabinet shelf. It’s certainly worth a try, since the 350-pound mosquito himself was the one to assert that drinking a strong disinfectant could kill the virus on contact. I’ve tried it, for weeks now. It was no more effective than the virgin-goat sacrifices, and the best I was able to accomplish was a 0.08 on my personal breathalyzer.

After the failure of my Listerine, I tried the hydroxychloroquine and it too was a dismal failure. Instead of curing my symptoms, it caused me an awful run of intractable pain and unwanted weight loss.

Having failed once more, I decided that Trump’s suggestion to drink bleach was very promising. I used only the best—two gallons of the proven Chlorox brand—and similar to Kamala Harris’s remarkable transformation from caucasian, wherein she suddenly turned black, I experienced BMs that were white and pure and would surely have been the envy of my friends and neighbors. Sadly, when I became “black” again, I understood that the cleansing ablution had been ineffective.

Just to make sure I’d covered all of Trump’s recommendations, I spent several days at a tanning salon—taking advantage of the virus-killing properties of UV light. It didn’t work, but I did turn orange.

Last, but not least, I have taken Trump’s own advice—to just ignore it, and it will miraculously go away on its own, “like a common cold.” I’m guessing that if Americans could simply deny the TRUMVID-2016 Petri Dish of any sort of media comment —positive or negative—the pandemic would spontaneously evaporate into just another horrifying threat to our democracy, one that has run its course and failed.

The author is a retired businessman, novelist, columnist and former Vietnam-era Army assistant public information officer. He resides in Riverton with his wife, Carol, and their adorable and ferocious dog “Poppy.”