The Passing Parade 

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The Passing Parade
South Korean model Ain, also known as Angel Box Girl, is being prosecuted for obscene exposure following incidents from last fall, Oddity Central reported. In Seoul and Gangnam, Ain walked through the streets wearing a large cardboard box with holes for her arms and legs—plus two more, which she invited strangers to put their hands in to grope her breasts and other body parts. Naturally, she attracted large crowds that police were called to disperse. "It's freedom of expression," she said. "I just wanted to market myself. I actually saw many positive reactions, with people telling me they support me and applaud my courage." If found guilty, Ain could face a $3,800 fine or up to a year in jail.

Ohhhh-kkaaaayyyy
Pet owners who are exceedingly attached to their furry friends sometimes go to the trouble of having them preserved through taxidermy after they die. After her Roborovski dwarf hamster, Hammy, passed away last year, Jess Porter-Langson, 27, who lives in Brighton in the U.K., sought out Bea Ostrowska, a local taxidermist, hoping to immortalize her beloved pet as a pole-dancing stripper, Metro News reported. "This hamster was so iconic, and all my friends knew Hammy and wanted to see him," Porter-Langson said. "He needed something special." Ostrowska posed Hammy on a small platform with a pole and sewed a little thong for him to wear, which is stuffed with tiny dollar bills. "He's got this creepy little smile going on," Porter-Langson said. "I was blown away. What is more iconic than a hamster on a stripper pole hustling for money?" What, indeed.

Funsuckers
The U.S. Federal Highway Administration, in an effort to suck any remaining fun from highway commutes, has laid down the law: By 2026, states must ban messages on electronic highway signs that include references to pop culture or evoke a laugh. Examples: "Visiting in-laws? Slow down, get there late" from Ohio; "Use Yah Blinkah" from Massachusetts; and "Hocus Pocus, Drive With Focus" from New Jersey. The Associated Press reported that the agency wants the signs to be "simple, direct, brief, legible and clear" because clever messages might distract or confuse drivers. One Arizona state representative, David Cook of Globe, was underwhelmed: "Prime example that the federal government is not focusing on what they need to be."

Be Careful What You Wish For
The Lexington (Kentucky) Convention and Visitors Bureau appears to be desperate for tourists, the Associated Press reported. It is using an infrared laser to send messages toward potentially habitable planets in a solar system 40 light years away, luring extraterrestrials with "lush green countryside ... (and) famous bluegrass." Lexington native Robert Lodder, an expert in astrobiology and SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence), conceived the idea, and linguistics expert Dr. Andrew Byrd consulted: "We included ... the molecular structure for water, bourbon and even dopamine ... because Lexington is fun!" he said. See you in 2064!

Bright Idea
Jessica Beatty, 42, of Clearwater, Florida, thought she might throw off the court by submitting someone else's urine for a mandated drug test, The Smoking Gun reported. She didn't choose just any old random donor, though—she allegedly collected urine from her aunt's dog. Beatty was arrested on Dec. 28 for possession of drug paraphernalia and driving with a suspended license; she had priors for cocaine possession and other offenses. When she was confronted on Jan. 11 for her "fraudulent urine sample," she admitted that it wasn't her pee. Her bond is likely to be revoked, sending her back to jail.

Government in Action
• In Oklahoma, a proposed new bill, HB 3084, would prohibit students who "purport to be an imaginary animal or species"—i.e., furries—from participating in schools' curriculum or other activities, KOKH-TV reported. Rep. Justin Humphrey of Lane, Oklahoma, filed the bill on Jan. 17; it would also require parents to pick up their furry offspring from school or risk them being turned over to animal control. Leave the cat ears at home, kids.

• You'll need your dictionary for this one. In York, England, signs have been popping up that appear to encourage citizens to "exercise obtundity," the BBC reported on Jan. 17. Of course, no one knows what that word means: "Knowing the police, it could be anything," said one resident. Social media has come alive with speculation about the signs, but it turns out that "Exercise Obtundity" is the name of a training program involving the York City Council, North Yorkshire Fire and Rescue Service and the Yorkshire Ambulance Service, and the signs are merely warnings of streets that might be closed during the activities. Stand down.

Least Competent Criminal
A man in Sulphur Springs, Texas, was arrested on Jan. 9 for stealing a Lamborghini in Houston, KLTV reported. Everett Van Jennings, 34, parked the sports car in his own garage, police reported—along with two other vehicles he had nicked. Police said together they were valued at $500,000. The Lamborghini's owner tracked the car using a GPS device and set off the lights and alarms, but Jennings claimed to be out of town and unable to return home. Law enforcement got a search warrant and along with the cars found materials used in VIN swapping. Jennings was charged with at least two felonies.

Don't Try This at Home
OK, everyone knows that opening a bag of potato chips can be as challenging as breaking into a bank vault, especially if you're hungry. But on Jan. 3, a 75-year-old man in Dalton, Georgia, used an unorthodox—and dangerous—method that landed him in the hospital, The Charlotte Observer reported. The man tried to use a lighter to get his chips open, resulting in third-degree burns to about 75% of his body and the recliner he was sitting in. Chips, with their high concentration of fat and carbohydrates, are highly flammable. Try the scissors.

News That Sounds Like a Joke
With freezing weather causing slippery surfaces, NHS Scotland, the country's health service, is advising people on how to safely move about the streets, STV News reported. Experts suggest that folks "walk like a penguin," with toes pointed out slightly, knees loose and arms extended out from the sides. Walkers should take short steps and keep their center of gravity over their feet. "While it may seem silly to walk or waddle like a penguin, the alternative may be a nasty injury or even time in hospital," said Dr. Emilia Crighton, director for public health at NHSGGC. "Penguins know best."

Positively Hitchcockian
In southwest London, patrons outside a Greggs bakery are being warned of attacks by hungry, hungry crows, The Sun reported on Jan. 16. Paras Singh, 23, who works nearby, said, "It's happening every day. They all swoop down in a frenzy." Jay Baiz, 27, a barber, said, "On Thursday, a woman was eating a bacon sandwich. The crow tried to rip it out and nearly scratched her head." Locals are hoping the city council will call in a falconer to scare the crows away.

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