Restaurant Roundup: Dinners for Sinners 

• Courtesy photo
• Bucket O’ Crawfish

As I get into the Halloween mindset, I often think about the relationship between food and sin. From the Bible's metaphorical use of a forbidden fruit to illustrate the fall of Adam and Eve to Persephone's underworld imprisonment for noshing on a few pomegranate seeds, there is something profound about our own spiritual connection to the food we eat. Which is why I'm probably screwed.

If the quality of one's food has a direct correlation to the quality of one's soul, there's not a whole lot I can do to recoup my wayward spirituality. I'm too far gone into the world of dining and restaurants. Food has become less about sustenance and more about sensation–every time I pursue a previously unknown indulgence, I fall deeper into this sensory world of culinary possibilities.

My own desire to "live deliciously" as The Witch's Black Phillip would put it has surely marked my soul for at least a teensy bit of damnation. Why, I can even guide you to dishes that best represent each of the seven deadly sins, which you'll find contained within. Read on...if you dare.

Lust - Paris Baguette
Lust represents coveting something you cannot–or more accurately should not–have. As pastries, sweets, doughnuts and cookies are among the most delightful ways to pour empty calories into your system, Paris Baguette is a great place to indulge one's lust for sweet things. Their shimmering display cases proffer everything from buttery croissants to cream-filled pastry, and it's all right there for you to reach in and take–pay for it, please. Theft may be a symptom of lust, but I haven't time to get into all that nuance right now.
parisbaguette.com

Sloth - DoorDash & Grubhub
The nice thing about sloth is that you can really eat whatever you want as long as you're having someone else bring it to your door. Even if you're getting something healthy from Protein Foundry or Vessel, thy slothfulness hath marked thee one of the devil's own. Ordering food from a service like this may also be actual evil–not just fun evil–since they really price gouge local restaurants who rely on their service to reach more diners. My one commandment for committing this sin: Thou shalt only door dash thy vittles when thy vittles are prepared by a multinational corporate conglomerate.

Gluttony and Greed - Chuck-A-Rama
When discussing food, greed and gluttony are kind of the same thing–there aren't a whole lot of restaurant concepts that give you money, after all. Therefore, we can knock both of these sins out with a visit to Chuck-A-Rama. Sure, any all-you-can-eat buffet will do, but there's just something so Utah about visiting the Chuck. Of course, those who really want to debauch themselves can check out King Buffet, which is arguably larger and contains more variety, but that choice is yours to make. Obviously this is a shoo-in when it comes to places to indulge that desire to simply eat until you bust, and the all-you-can-eat concept is quintessentially sinful–it was born in Las Vegas, after all.
chuck-a-rama.com

Envy - Bambara
Every so often, I'll visit a restaurant and order my food only to find myself envious of the dishes I did not get. This happens a lot at Bambara, where each dish is so beautiful on the plate that you can't help but wonder how much it will improve the life of whoever will be enjoying it. Once the envy has seized you and you end up ordering more than you should, it simply returns with more potency as you envy those whose stomachs are not as full as yours. Bambara is also a great place to be envious of those around you. Any time you visit, there's always someone prettier and more successful than you sitting just across the aisle.
bambara-slc.com

Pride - Dollie's Soup & Salad
There's nothing more prideful than going out for a meal and only getting a salad. It sends the message that instead of indulging in the wide variety of culinary options at your disposal, you're going to–eek!–eat something healthy. Dollie's Soup & Salad has been a local gathering spot for these prideful diners as it touts a menu of fresh ingredients, tasty soups and low-calorie fare. With every crunch of kale and quinoa, I can hear the salad diner mock my decision to eat pizza for the third night in a row.
dolliessoupandsalad.com

Wrath - Bucket O' Crawfish
There aren't many restaurants that encourage you to take a physically active part in dismembering the main ingredient, which is where Bucket O' Crawfish comes in. When you order said bucket o' crawfish, you get a pail of perfectly boiled crawfish that are ready for you to rip and tear your way through their succulence. Heads are twisted and ripped off to access the slurp-worthy seasoned juices within. Claws are torn in half, legs are pulled out segment by segment and tails are yanked apart. It's the angriest dining around.
bucketocrawfish.com