Dating counselors help singles move past relationship hiccups and get to the next date. 

• Derek Carlisle

Until recently, Austin Simkins never had a fourth date. There were second dates, a few third dates, but no fourth dates. His relationships usually lasted three months or less.

That changed after Simkins listened to a Spotify podcast featuring Loni Harmon, known as The Dating Counselor. The podcast topic was "Relationship OCD" and it caught Simkins' attention as he heard Harmon describe people who weren't able to trust their instincts.

Simkins started regularly listening to Harmon's podcast. Then he contacted her, and they started meeting virtually and in person.

Eventually, Simkins reached the point where he felt prepared to date again. He said the counseling helped to pull him out of his obsessive-compulsive behaviors and to break through the cycles that had kept him from a long-term relationship. "Loni's help was pivotal in helping me get into a good mindset for a dating relationship," Simkins said.

Harmon said that "Relationship OCD" occurs when individuals are outside of healthy trust patterns—either not trusting anyone or being too quick to trust others.

A person may become paralyzed worrying about getting into the wrong relationship or be unsure of what the right kind of relationship should feel like, she said, and they fall into repetitive thoughts that center on doubts and fears.

To soothe that anxiety, she said a person may constantly seek reassurance from those around them, "where you try to get everybody else to say, 'Yes, this is a great person' and, 'Yes, you should be dating [them]."

"Dating counseling involves education, working through resistance and skill building," Harmon said of her work with clients.

When he started meeting with Harmon, Simkins was friends with a co-worker who often spoke about his sister, Victoria. She sounded fun, energetic and fit, Simkins said, and he felt himself growing interested in meeting her. "Man, she must be amazing," he recalled thinking.

Simkins' co-worker said that he'd line them up if Victoria ever broke up with her boyfriend. And then, nine months later, she did. The next day, Simkins called to ask Victoria out. They went to dinner at Spitz Mediterranean.

"She had found out that I was an artist," Simkins said. "When I drew something really funny, I could see that she was supportive."

On their second date, Simkins and Victoria hiked and talked together. Soon, they were seeing each other every day. Simkins said that his counseling experience helped him to approach the blossoming relationship in a more healthy way.

Simkins realized he had moved past his issues. He was now able to fall for Victoria not just faster, but more meaningfully than before. "I always felt it would be that way," he said, speaking of when he "found the right one."

Their first date was in September 2023 and on Christmas Eve, Simkins surprised Victoria with a romantic carriage ride. They carriage took them to a barn where, just inside the doors, the words "Marry Me" were lit up.

The two are currently planning a March wedding. Simkins remains grateful to the counselor who helped him.

"I was always obsessive about how to home in on the right one. Loni helped me simplify and break through that mindset so that I could compare better," Simkins said. "I could get to a fifth and sixth date and see how those dates opened the doors to other ones."

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Taking a Risk
Harmon said that all people are hard-wired to connect. And yet, if someone is continually stuck in the same dating pattern and has an emotional reaction to not getting past a first date—such as frustration, anger or anxiety—they might want to consider the help of a dating counselor.

"Usually, the traditional coping mechanism is to leave the relationship so that their anxiety goes away," Harmon said, "but they really don't want to leave."

Harmons said her typical client is a single man or woman between ages of 25 and 40 who is struggling to connect with a romantic partner. And Kristin Sokol, a relationship development coach, said her clients are mostly women over 35. "Sixty to 70 percent are women," Sokol said, "and the rest are men in the same age range."

Sokol said her experience has shown her that for many people, coaching can be integral to successful dating.

"There is a reason we are not connecting on our own—a knowledge gap or an erroneous conclusion about counseling or dating," Sokol added. "Coaching helps us to challenge some of those conclusions and understand they may not be as true as we have always thought."

She said her clients will "connect very quickly after we have gone over those mindset obstacles."

Mary Lu Funk discovered dating counseling when a friend told her about a presentation by Sokol. At first, Funk thought that relationship counseling wasn't for her.

"It sounded kind of hokey, and I wasn't interested," she said.

Funk thought she would watch the recorded presentation and that would be it. But afterward, she found herself thinking more and more about it. Finally, she contacted Sokol.

"I decided to call her and see what it was all about, and I was impressed with her," Funk recalled. "She was honest about what she does, how much it costs and how it plays out."

Funk decided to take the risk and try it out. She completed Sokol's 10-session course and felt that the lessons she learned applied not just to dating, but also dealings in her work and with her family.

"If I had concerns with an area, [Sokol] would say, 'Let's talk about that.' If I went out with somebody, she would ask what went well and what didn't," Funk said of her experience. "If I was interested in a guy, we would discuss, 'What are we going to do to make this work?'"

Funk added, "While it's good to have someone cheering you on, I still need to implement it. As someone who's watched the dating process repeatedly, [Sokol] gave me tools and practical advice."

To begin a relationship, Sokol said, potential partners must be attracted, interested and available.

"Maybe you're attracted and interested, but the other person isn't ready to commit," she said. "If things don't line up now, they might work at a different time."

Funk initially wasn't interested in online dating and hadn't tried it. But after talking with Sokol, she started matching with and meeting people, going on dates with two men she had met online and another who she met in person.

"They were guys I never would have dated without the confidence she gave me," Funk said. "Once we started meeting and getting to know each other, I wasn't afraid to text her between sessions. It was like talking to a friend."

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Finding Connection
Sokol suggests taking up pickleball for singles who want to meet in person. There are lots of leagues and tournaments, she said, and it can be a less intimidating way to "mix and mingle." She also recommends golf lessons.

"Get interested in some kind of sport," she said.

Other ways to meet people can be through church or civic volunteer engagements, Sokol said.

"Often people have big ambitions," she said, "but they haven't got the time or motivation to take themselves out the door to meet the numbers of people that they need to meet, to find someone who they are interested in [and] who is interested back."

Both Harmon and Sokol suggested utilizing a hybrid approach to dating. A reality of modern dating, Harmon said, is navigating both in-person and online connections. "Some go all or nothing, but it's healthy to do both," Harmon said. "If you put yourself online for every dating app, you'll have seven dates a week and could get burned out."

She added that another way to use technology is to find in-person singles events.

"When you go to an event, network with other people and ask, 'Where is the next party?'" Harmon said.

Because of what she'd learned, Funk said she became more watchful and aware of the situations she was in. When she caught sight of a man named Nate, noticing his smile and happy demeanor, she listened to comments he was making and thought, "This is someone I want to see more of."

Funk and Nate began to gravitate toward each other at activities and parties. They spent more and more time together. After several dates, they started doing a lot of "normal life stuff," Funk said—like going to the grocery store. That led to Funk and Nate understanding each others' relationship priorities, and realizing they shared many of those same goals.

The two are now engaged and plan to marry on Feb. 29.

"The whole point is to hang out and get to know each other," Funk said. "The things that are most important to me are also most important to him."

Harmon and Sokol both suggest strengthening social connections, particularly if people hope to meet a partner the old-fashioned way. Sokol said it helps to have a goal going into a social activity, such as introducing yourself to three new people, making connections on social media or getting a person's phone number, whether they be a potential romantic partner or just a new friend.

"You're not just there to get better at pickleball," Sokol said. "Your ulterior motive is to collect people in your network that might play a part—romantic or otherwise—in your life."

Sokol said that it's excellent for a person to get out of their comfort zone and expand their social circle, whether or not that results in romance.

"While you intend to develop the romantic sides of your life, there are all sorts of relationships to benefit from," Sokol added. "We might find somebody we click with for friendship or [for] new job opportunities—whether you find the love of your life or not."

And whatever you do, don't give up, Harmon said. "Don't buy into the scarcity mentality that all the good ones are taken," she said. "Have hope. There are lots of wonderful people to date who are healthy, strong and secure."

Salt Lake City Valentine's Day ideas for couples at every stage of their love story
The Perfect Date
By Erin Moore

Valentine's Day can come with a lot of pressure, whether you're seeing someone new or you're trying to impress someone who's already been your Valentine a few times.

You want to get it right, but no one really wants to just do the played-out, predictable dance—chocolates, flowers, dinner, drinks, romantic (expensive) locales. So we decided to look at Valentine's Day a little more creatively, and we gathered ideas for more specific kinds of dating situations. Read on and get romancin'.

• Courtesy visit salt lake
• Sugar House Park

Crush the Crush Stage
Sometimes the best kind of get-to-know-you dates can start with just walking around—and with plenty of new diversions in Sugar House, it makes sense to start with a low key stroll around Sugar House Park. Maybe even at sunset?

Once you and your crushable date have a rhythmic rapport going, head down the street to Quarters Arcade Bar (1045 E. 2100 South, SLC, quartersslc.com) for a good old-fashioned arcade date. Whether you're more of a skeeball and pinball pair or want to hit the classic arcade games side by side, there's no way this date won't be laid back fun for the both of you. Plus, Quarters offers a variety of cheeky drinks, and they're sure to have a Valentine's appropriate special on the books for you to share. Two straws?

If, at this point, you are in fact crushing the crush-stage date, you might also be getting hungry for more than romance. A safe dinner bet for someone you don't yet know so well? Food hall! Woodbine over in the Granary (545 W. 700 South, SLC, 801-669-9192, woodbineslc.com) stylishly elevates the cafeteria concept—get whatever the both of you want, from pizza, tacos and sandwiches to soul food, then head to Drift Lounge, the elegant craft cocktail corner of Woodbine. Cozy up by their fire with your drinks to close out a very crush-worthy date night indeed.

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• Pins & Ales

Upgrade the 'Ship With a Classic
There are certain kinds of dates that just never go out of style—dinner and a movie always does the trick, right? Have a little more fun with it, and get it all in one place. At Brewvies Cinema Pub (677 S. 200 West, SLC, 801-355-5500, brewvies.com), you and your date can order bar food classics with a big frosty beer (to ease any new "situationship" nervousness) while you watch whatever trendy movie is going to guide your convo for the rest of the night.

If an hour or two of getting buzzed with your boo goes well, after credits roll, you can always keep it going at the bar outside the theater. There, whether your hands touched in the popcorn or not, you can both clink your glass to a Valentine's date done well.

Another nonstandard standard? The bowling date, updated for grown-ups at Pins & Ales (multiple locations, pinsandales.com) the 21+ bowling alley with many extras on offer. While bagging strikes (or doing your best to make your gutterballs seem cute), you can indulge in drinks from a full bar. There's even a full dining menu that's a far cry from the usual greasy-spoon bowling alley fare—think "elevated." And who knows, maybe it will "elevate" your relationship, too.

• Mar | Muntanya

Destination: Relationship-ville
Going official? Take your date on an officially official Valentine's dinner date, of course. Nothing says, "I want to seriously commit to being with you" more than committing to a reservation at a nice restaurant on the busiest date night of the year.

And what is the most romantic dinner date style you can think of? Italian, obviously. It's classic for a reason, and Caffé Molise (404 S. West Temple, SLC, 801-364-8833, caffemolise.com) will help set the mood perfectly. This restaurant maintains a popularity among Salt Lakers for a reason: The food is the real deal, the portions are perfectly sized, the wine menu is sturdy ... need we say more? We'll say more anyway. The restaurant's eye-popping historical architecture is updated with modern fixtures and spans 15,000 square feet over three floors, so the odds are in your favor you can snag table for you and your special someone. Feed each other bites of tiramisu after agreeing to go steady.

While you and your date may have been to several nice restaurants or romantic rooftop bars by this point in your relationship, you may not yet have been to Mar | Muntanya (170 S. West Temple, SLC, 385-433-7600, mar-muntanya.com). On the sixth floor of the shiny new Hyatt Regency hotel, you can enjoy sweeping views of downtown SLC and our mountains, while enjoying locally sourced cuisine with recipes inspired by Spain's mountainous and coastal areas, the Basque and Catalonian regions respectively. Besides Spanish essentials like shareable pintxos and paella, sample a variety of regional dishes you won't find anywhere else in the city. And if you nab a reservation for Feb. 14, you can also look forward to the restaurant's weekly live music offering.

• Courtesy visit salt lake
• Copper Common

Out-of-the-Way Intimacy
When you've got someone who makes the world fall away, go somewhere special and small, where a million other dates won't drown your conversation out. Every square inch of Bar Nohm (165 W. 900 South, 385-465-4488, barnohm.com) feels sweet and intimate, with a creative menu of small plate izakaya. It's perfect for the pair who loves to pick out a few flavors (kimchi oysters, curry dip, branzino with tamarind) to share and huddle up close, heads bowed together over steaming plates of deliciousness. Reservations encouraged.

Another way to avoid the crowds at capital-R restaurants is to turn your eye to another elegant local bar. Not new, but a reliable standby, go classic mode at Copper Common (111 E. 300 South, Ste. 190, SLC, 801-355-0543, coppercommon.com), where the lights are always warm and low, and everything under them gleams—your date's eyes will totally gleam in them, too. Get a half-dozen oysters on the half shell (even if they're not a proven aphrodisiac, they're still sexy, OK?) and any one of their curated natural wines or cocktails is as special as you and yours.

For the Lived-in Kinda Love
Maybe you've been with your honey for more years than you can remember. Maybe you've even got some kiddos who need dropping off at school on this year's mid-week Valentine's Day. If a fancy date night in the middle of your settled, stable life isn't in the cards, who's to say you can't make it a coffee date?

Make an ordinary morning with your everyday person special at Kahve Cafe (57 S. 600 East, SLC, 801-888-0354, kahvecafeslc.com). Upgrade your usual coffee order and go for one of their small, sweet and strong Turkish brews, which are boiled up in dishes full of hot sand and served in ornate little cups with matching plates. Order some house-made baklava to share, settle into any one of the cozy, cushion-festooned corners of the cafe and soak up the sweetness of your enduring relationship. Then go about your respective days—romance is what you make it, any old day of the week.