White Supremacists Meet Your Kin—Neanderthals | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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White Supremacists Meet Your Kin—Neanderthals 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis.

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Ever wonder if white supremacists realize that 2 to 3 percent of their DNA comes from Neanderthals? Yes, those red, harry beasts who roamed Europe from 430,000 years ago until about 40,000 years ago. The nationalists are always talking about a white Christian nation, not pausing to remember that Jesus of Nazareth wasn't white—he was a nice Middle-Eastern cocoa-brown.

There is no denying that somewhere along the line, Homo sapiens mated with Homo neanderthalensis. The question is, when? It was believed that Homo sapiens migrated en masse out of Africa 50,000 to 70,000 years ago and came across Neanderthals in Europe. There, they interbred with Neanderthals. Mysteriously, Neanderthals disappeared some 40,000 years ago as Homo sapiens continued to thrive.

All of this, of course, is of little interest to white nationalists who apparently refuse to acknowledge that their DNA and that of Jews and Blacks is practically identical. It's a little harder to ignore their cousin's red hair.

Memo Reveals Trump's Coup Plan With Guillotines

Team Trump did, indeed, have a specific plan to keep him in the White House, according to a memo obtained by Bob Woodward and Robert Costa. Independently, the staff here at Smart Bomb found a similar manual for the Jan. 6 insurrection:
1—Tie up Pence and lock him in a closet.
2—Majorie Taylor Green puts on a Pence disguise and sits as the presiding officer at joint session of Congress with a gavel and a Colt .45.
3—Pence/Greene declares that Arizona, Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin have seceded and their electors taken to Mazatlan by the Proud Boys.
4—Senators or representatives who complain are escorted by the Three Percenters to a guillotine outside the Supreme Court.
5—Pence/Greene declares Trump the winner and The Donald immediately puts Joe Biden and Kamala Harris on double secret probation and kicks them off Twitter.
6—Taylor Greene rips off her Pence mask and arrests Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for inciting abortion—a hanging offense—as a warning to liberals who hate this country and Jesus.

LDS Tithing Doesn't Built Malls—It Only Looks That Way

All money is not the same. Tithing paid to the Mormon Church from the faithful is one kind of money. But when those tithing dollars are invested and realize a profitable return, it's another kind of money, according to federal Judge Stephen V. Wilson. It's kind of like Bitcoin, only weirder.

As it happens, the development arm of the LDS Church—City Creek Reserve, Inc.—that built the $1.5 billion City Creek Center mall in downtown Salt Lake City, is a non-profit entity that pays property and sales tax, but no federal income tax. It reminds Wilson of the Dire Straits lyric: "money for nothin, chicks for free." The enterprise also just built a large mixed-used project, like the City Creek mall, in Mesa, Ariz.

A separate non-profit arm of the LDS Church—Ensign Peak Advisors, Inc.—according to an IRS whistle-blower complaint, holds $100 billion (in both kinds of money?). Recently, James Huntsman sued the church for $5 million, alleging it used his tithing for construction projects. Church lawyers argued it used one kind of money (the faux Bitcoin) but not the other kind (tithing). The judge then threw out the suit, saying that no one would believe church leaders would mix up one kind of money with another. It's called "Faith," and possibly some other things.

Postscript—That's a wrap for another beautiful fall week here at Smart Bomb, where we don't go to school board meetings because they're too damned dangerous. Masks, vaccines, critical race theory—them's fightin' words. Dear God.

But that ain't all, Republican Congressman Chris Stewart will never attend another Utah Jazz basketball game for the rest of eternity because fans must show proof of a COVID-19 vaccination or negative PCR test. Oh bummer. What happened to freedom to spread a deadly disease?

Meanwhile, Texas Sen. Ted Cruz tweeted his support for NBA players who won't get vaccinated. Some pundits now say politics has replaced religion in this country. Author Shadi Hamid puts it this way: "Now that Americans no longer have common religious touchstones, or shared understanding of God and family, it makes sense that they would fight their battles ... in the last remaining space where everyone speaks the same language: politics and power." Maybe that's why it's impossible to understand where Republicans are coming from—could it be the end times?

George Orwell once opined: "In a time of universal deceit—telling the truth is a revolutionary act." And as Wilson likes to say, "When the going gets tough, the tough get drinking."

Alright Wilson, we know you and the guys in the band are jonesing for "Money for Nothing," so hit it:

Now look at them yo-yos, that's the way you do it
You play the guitar on the MTV
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Money for nothin' and your chicks for free

Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb
Maybe get a blister on your little finger
Maybe get a blister on your thumb

We got to install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We got to move these refrigerators
We got to move these color TVs
Money for nothin' and chicks for free
Get your money for nothin' and your chicks for free
Money for nothin', chicks for free
Get your money for nothin', chicks for free
"Money for Nothing"—Dire Straights

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