White House Report: Trump's Heart Condition | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

White House Report: Trump's Heart Condition 

Simply put, President Donald Trump's heart is a growing concern.

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Simply put, President Donald Trump's heart is a growing concern. His condition, "Pernicious Malcardia," was only recently diagnosed, and is considered to be the most serious non-congenital cardiac defect known to medicine. Studies over the past two years reveal it is highly contagious, and many have been infected. In fact, it's at the top of the Center for Disease Control's list of ominous health concerns.

Researchers are unsure of where this malady has been "hiding." Only a few verified cases were reported before Trump took office. Studies indicate that it is likely the re-emergence of a highly-virulent, dormant strain dubbed "Pernicious Mussolinian Malcardia" (PMM). While scientists scramble to find PMM's repository host, the disease is wreaking havoc around the globe. Many world leaders—ones who've had even the briefest exposure to Trump—are showing symptoms. PMM is considered a greater threat to the planet than ebola, cholera, MDR tuberculosis and the plague combined.

Most Americans find the presidential condition shocking. They never imagined that the Rabid Orange Raccoon could have a diseased heart. They didn't know he even had one. (That well-evidenced possibility, however, has been debunked.) For Trump supporters, it's actually a big relief. It means his previously-adjudged character problems are not really his fault: It's a sickness.

Supporters assert that there's credible evidence Trump does have a heart. The total absence of cardiac functioning would be pretty hard to miss, and since none of his toes and fingers have turned black, we just have to assume that something inside him still is pumping blood, sending precious oxygen to his body's cells, tissues and organs. Total heart failure, according to White House physicians, would be easily assessed by the following symptoms:

• Golf scores would fall precipitously

• All lying would cease

• Emotions, particularly hate, would totally disappear

• Nearby women would no longer have to shield their private parts

• The entire body would turn black. (That is the symptom Trump most fears, understanding that his KKK buddies would immediately disavow him.)

But there's yet another serious related symptom of a failed heart: Doctors say that impairment of blood flow is affecting the functioning of Trump's brain—no matter how small—and the presidential medical team has also noted telltale signs of an associated memory loss.

While his personal physician has remained mum on the subject, cardiac specialists have noted the president has exhibited symptoms of an advanced, but selective, form of dementia—case in point, his recent conflicting statements about his new acting U.S. attorney general. Recordings illustrate what experts call "Ischemic Mental Impairment" (IMI). For example, Trump noted, "Matt Whitaker worked for Jeff Sessions and he was always extremely highly thought of and he still is—but I didn't know Matt Whitaker." In another, it was, "I can tell you Matt Whitaker's a great guy. I mean, I know Matt Whitaker." There's no question: Trump's brain is oxygen deprived, which all goes back to the insufficiency of the man's heart. It's the reason he's unable to connect with his actions, like the torture of tots, his warm bonding with tyrants, his fascination with hookers and his endless trail of hurtful lies.

Sadly, Trump's cardiac "insufficiency" has spread throughout his administration and the world. A recent, tragic incident shows that our military suffers from the same malady. This summer's USS Trenton debacle (June 12), like all the rest, was just a symptom of his malady: The ship refused help to a nearby sinking boatload of African immigrants. The captain's refusal resulted in 76 deaths. However, as an afterthought, the ship turned around and picked up the remaining 42 survivors. This was no isolated incident; two days earlier, that same ship refused to help another capsized boatload of immigrants. It's all a sad consequence of the commander-in-chief's modus operandi and his lack of regard for anyone who isn't a WASP (White Anglo-Saxon Protestant)—and just another example of allowing a man with a tiny brain and minuscule heart to lead our nation.

But there's a solution: A quick heart transplant. I say, send him to North Korea where such operations are much more reasonably priced, and he can hold hands with his "I-fell-in-love-with-the-man" bosom-buddy Kim Jong-un. There's an added bonus: Raccoon hearts are plentiful, and there won't be a waiting list.

Michel S. Robinson Sr. is a retired businessman and a former U.S. Army assistant public information officer. He lives in Riverton with his wife, Carol, and one mongrel dog. Send feedback to comments@cityweekly.net

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