What To Get a Trumper for XMas | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly

What To Get a Trumper for XMas 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Christmas shopping for that special Trump supporter can be a bit tricky. So, the Deseret News came up with some helpful ideas: "Make America Great Again" combs; a Trump garden gnome; or a cookie cutter in the shape of Trump's silhouette for people who like real fat cookies.

It got the staff here at Smart Bomb to thinking that it would be jolly to make a list for some of Trump's supporters in the Cuckoo Caucus. For Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, we suggest a "Guide To Keeping Your Extramarital Affairs Secret," or a T-shirt saying, "Gazpacho Police," (the soup she confused with the Nazi Gestapo).

For Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan—who will be the next chairman of the Judiciary Committee—a framed photo of Hunter Biden with a bullseye overlay and a plaque that says, "Thank God For Hunter Biden," as well as the video, "How to Investigate Democrat Investigations." For Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz the list includes a book deal with the title, How to Traffic Hot Young Chicks and Get Away With It and a DVD titled, I Egged On the Insurrectionists and There's Not a Damn Thing You Can Do About It.

Yes, it's going to be a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year as the Republicans sharpen their knives for some payback—and as everyone knows, payback is a bitch.

Sean Reyes: Hooker Hunter
Well we're just damn lucky that Qatar paid for Utah Attorney General Sean Reyes to attend The World Cup with all its pomp and ceremony and orgies. Those nice sheikhs over there, known for their indentured servitude of foreign workers, wanted to be sure there wasn't any human trafficking going on—that is to say, no prostitution.

Yes, some 6,500 foreign workers died there in the preparation for the World Cup, but that's different—they weren't prostitutes in the usual sense. And who better than Reyes to be gifted with such a junket—airfare, lodging and match tickets—after he's proved his chops by hunting trafficked girls in the jungles of Colombia and the jungles of the Sundance Film Festival in Park City.

People don't realize how difficult it is to identify prostitutes at those Sundance parties. Just because Reyes and the boys didn't find any hookers at the Park City fest doesn't mean they lack expertise—after all, they did wear Hawaiian shirts. But most likely all those enslaved sex workers were busy turning tricks at the Super Bowl or Vegas.

Or maybe Reyes and the guys just didn't look horny. At any rate, it wasn't a total loss, now he can say he's hunted hookers in Colombia, Park City and The World Cup, and that ain't no small potatoes—or whatever they call it when, well, you know.

Big Brother Awakens—Maybe
Ron DeSantis may be waking up to the fact that being "woke" is protected by the Constitution. For real. A U.S. District judge has struck down much of the Florida governor's signature "WOKE Act" that would limit what can and cannot be taught in public schools regarding ethnicity, gender and race and such things as slavery and Critical Race Theory.

The new law is reminiscent of George Orwell's novel 1984, said Judge Mark Walter, who called the Woke Act "positively dystopian." Orwell's novel examines the role of truth and facts and the ways they can be manipulated. For the state "to choose which viewpoints are worthy of illumination and which must remain in the shadows," the judge said, "has implications for us all."

Originally, "woke" was an African-American term referring to awareness of social and racial injustice. White conservatives weaponized it as an epithet as nasty as "liberal" because, they say, being woke undermines American values. But the judge ruled the Florida law violates the First Amendment, which is—wait for it—an American value.

Recent polls show DeSantis far ahead of Donald Trump as the favorite among Republicans to run for president in 2024. So for all you woke voters out there, you'd better wake up.

Postscript—That's a wrap for a dog-eat-dog week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of K-9 chew toys so you don't have to. This is no laughing matter—the U.S. Supreme Court will hear a trademark suit brought by Jack Daniel's whiskey against toy manufacturer, VIP Products, for its Bad Spaniels Silly Squeaker dog toy.

The whiskey bottles are lettered this way: "Old No. 7 Brand Tennessee Sour Mash Whiskey." The doggie chew toys say, "Old No. 2 on your Tennessee carpet." The lawsuit alleges the Bad Spaniels chew toy "harms Jack Daniel's brand by associating whiskey with excrement and toys that appeal to children." No Wilson, you shouldn't call it a "shit case."

Since the topic has come up, here is some important medical information from the Washington Post: Don't sit for more than 10 minutes when using your cell phone on the toilet (We're not making this up). There are two types of people in the world, according to the Post story, people who use their phone in the bathroom and people who lie about using their phone in the bathroom.

And finally from our International Desk: A half-dozen Ukrainian embassies across Europe got strange packages containing bloody animal eyes. Yecht! The message? "Here's looking at you, kid." Mmmm, maybe not.

Holy smokes, Wilson, that animal eyes thing is real spooky. Imagine opening a box and finding bloody animal eyes. It's beyond creepy and would scare the bejesus out of anyone. Anyway, you and the band have to come up with something apropos and please, no blood. So, reach into you bag of eye tricks and play us on outa here:

Her hair is Harlow gold
Her lips sweet surprise
Her hands are never cold
She's got Bette Davis eyes
She'll turn the music on you
You won't have to think twice
She's pure as New York snow
She got Bette Davis eyes

And she'll tease you
She'll unease you
All the better just to please you
She's precocious, and she knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
She got Greta Garbo's standoff sighs
She's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll let you take her home
It whets her appetite
She'll lay you on the throne
She got Bette Davis eyes

She'll take a tumble on you
Roll you like you were dice
Until you come out blue
She's got Bette Davis eye
"Bette Davis Eyes"—Kim Carnes

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