What a Wonderful World | Letters | Salt Lake City Weekly

What a Wonderful World 

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The world would be better if … TV contained no commercials. You could check a box when buying an airplane ticket so you don’t get seated next to a D-bag. Three smothered chili verde burritos contained the same amount of calories as a stick of celery. Gasoline were free, and it didn’t pollute.

If … homeless people would always have a safe place to sleep at night. Beer gave you six-pack abs—and chicken wings, too. You died doing something you love, then you get a redo. All babies were born healthy. Work started when you got there, not at 8:30 a.m. After dropping $35 for a movie and popcorn, you could get a refund and an apology if it sucked. Smellavision really existed. Child and domestic abusers were immediately beamed to Pluto.

If ... dogs’ crap—and cat crap, for that matter—would instantly dissolve once it leaves the, um, business end. Time machines worked better. People could fly. Nobody starved. Pterodactyls were still alive but only ate plants. Dogs could play poker. Your favorite music played all the time. Aliens and humans were buddies.

If … plastic were biodegradable. Housing were free. Taxes went to only what you wanted them to go toward. Animals could come and go as they please at a zoo. You were always within walking distance of the ocean. Newspapers could only report good news. Golf was $1. Nobody cared what religion you are. Child molesters were neon. Everyone could go for a walk on the moon. People had gills. Kids were kids for 10 more years. Australia were full of dinosaurs.

If … nobody had to use wheelchairs. Cars owned by people with road rage would always have a dead battery. All cops could be trusted. People could quit smoking easily. Work was just something you do from time to time—not all the time. Dreams came true. One plant could fix what thousands of pills can’t. The sun were good for you. Space travel were easy and cheap so everyone could do it.

If … potholes filled themselves. Litter evaporated. When a restaurant screwed up your take-out order, you’d hear, “Sorry, totally our fault.” When someone lied to you, Bullshit Man would fly in through a window and call out “Bullshit!”

Mike Gallegos

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