We’re Cool, Not Dorky | News | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

We’re Cool, Not Dorky 

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The United Nations Security Council reportedly held an emergency session recently to discuss the brewing crisis in LaVerkin, Utah, where the organization has been outlawed. The Council debated pulling peacekeeping troops back to Rockville or possibly Hurricane. Having heard the news of LaVerkin’s withdrawal from the U.N., former Yugoslav strongman Slobodan Milosevic has reportedly applied for asylum there.

On a more serious note, Davis County commissioners reportedly huddled to determine whether to pass a new ordinance that would add criminal penalty enhancements to indecency statutes. Something like a firearms enhancement during a felony robbery, they are reportedly considering a lawnmower enhancement for people wearing swimwear in their front yards while cutting the grass. The whole thing boiled over when Dee Dee Derian of West Point was turned in by bug-eyed neighbors for doing yard work in a bikini.

It turns out that it is legal—even in Davis County—to work in the yard in a bikini. Her neighbors are upset, Derian believes, because she also runs a topless maid service out of her house. Along with the lawnmower enhancements, commissioners could consider a Dust Buster enhancement. The staff here at SmartBomb is still researching the topless maid service, called Black Rose Enterprises, because we believe it’s important to look at these things very closely.

Speaking of flashing, federal prosecutor Laurie Sartorio, 45, of Salt Lake City, allegedly flashed and mooned residents near her neighborhood while she was walking her dogs on July 12, according to a police report. After yelling at her disobedient dogs, Sartorio turned to onlookers and asked them what they were looking at. A police report said she allegedly pulled down her pants and mooned them. Then, reportedly, she turned to face them and pulled up her shirt, revealing her breasts. According to the report, she was not wearing underwear. And, according to the report, she mooned and flashed the astonished on-lookers a second time. Kind of a “double-your-pleasure” thing.

Utah County Commissioner David Gardner was in the news again. Gardner, already having been convicted of drunken driving and disorderly conduct, could lose his license as a marriage and family therapist. State officials are investigating allegations by a married couple who said he used foul language and appeared to fall asleep during counseling sessions. The couple, apparently, was not familiar with Gardner’s reputation and his insistence that he doesn’t drink alcohol.

First the Hard Rock Café, now this: the House of Blues may open a nightclub in the Union Pacific Depot near the Gateway project. As you’ll recall, when the Hard Rock opened at Trolley Square several years ago, politicians and every newscaster in town were on hand to say that Salt Lake City had arrived and was no longer Squaresville. Now with the report that House of Blues might open here, TV broadcasters are saying something quite similar: see, we’re not dorky, we’re cool. It’s the kind of catchy phrase that we ought to put up at the entrance to the city.

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