Videorama 

Romeo Must Die (Warner Bros., R) Romeo (Jet Li) gets hot ’n’ groiny with a mobster’s daughter Juliet (Aaliyah), then proceeds to open several cans of kung-fu whoop-ass on every sucker in the Bay Area. The most faithful adaptation of Shakespeare ever filmed. (Released Aug. 1)

Whatever It Takes (Columbia TriStar, PG-13) A high school dork (Shane West) plots to get close to the campus hottie (Nash Bridges’ Jodi Lynn O’Keefe) with the help of a dumb jock (Freaks & Geeks’ James Franco), who’s pining away for the dork’s brainiac best friend (The Practice’s Marla Sokoloff). Why are the dorks and brainiacs as beautiful as the popular people? Who cares? The most faithful adaptation of Cyrano de Bergerac ever filmed. (Aug. 1)

Da Hip-Hop Witch (A-Pix, R) Eminem, Vanilla Ice, Vitamin C, Rah Digga and Spliff Star vie for Oscars in the greatest rap movie since Leprechaun in the Hood—or even Cool as Ice! Five suburban white kids got lost in the projects while searching for the fabled Hip-Hop Witch, and this video footage is all that remains. The most faithful adaptation of The Blair Witch Project ever filmed … aside from The Bare Wench Project, of course. (Aug. 8)

Dragonheart: A New Beginning (Universal, PG) A boy (Chris Masterson) and his talkin’ dragon (Robbie Benson) battle Da Hip-Hop Witch in a break-dancing contest. Originally titled Dragonheart 2: Electric Boogaloo. (Aug. 8)

Here on Earth (Fox, PG-13) Rich kid (Chris Klein) falls in love with soon-to-be-dead girl (Leelee Sobieski), but so what? It’s just fun to say Leelee Sobieski! C’mon, everybody: Leelee Sobieski, Leelee Sobieski, Leelee Sobieski … (Aug. 8)

Holy Smoke! (Miramax, R) Kate Winslet joins a religious cult, and only Harvey Keitel can deprogram her with lots of creepy-older-actor-on-younger-actress sex. Ick. (Aug. 8)

Reindeer Games (Dimension, R) An ex-con (Ben Affleck) assumes the identity of his dead cellmate, falls for the guy’s pen pal (Charlize Theron), then gets roped into a bloody casino robbery. The weirdest part? There’s not one damned reindeer in the whole movie! (Aug. 8)

The Cider House Rules (Miramax, PG-13) The feel-good orphanage-abortion-war hit of 1999, starring Toby Maguire as a young man who leaves his cloistered existence to party hearty during spring break with the frat bros of Cider House! (Aug. 15)

The Defender (Dimension, R) Jet Li just can’t keep it in his pants. This time, he gets hot ’n’ groiny with a woman he’s been hired to guard, then reopens that whoop-ass can on the assassins out to kill her. The guy’s got range. (Aug. 15)

Erin Brockovich (Universal, R) Based on a true story, ex-beauty queen Erin Brockovich (Julia Roberts) exposes a deadly cover-up involving contaminated water in a small town, leading to one of the largest class-action suits in history. Expecting a crass cleavage joke? A bountiful breasts zinger? Gotcha! (Aug. 15)

Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (Artisan, R) No, not Ghost Dad—that was a lame Bill Cosby movie. Jim Jarmusch’s Ghost Dog reinvents the gangster flick with Eastern philosophy, hip-hop, urban noir and movie pop culture, with Forest Whitaker as Samurai hit man. He’s out to lay the smackdown on Jet Li and Da Hip-Hop Witch. (Aug. 15)

Agnes Brown (USA, R) After her husband drops dead, poor mother-of-seven Agnes Brown (Anjelica Houston) survives by selling fruit and dreaming of meeting Tom Jones. Enter people’s crusader Erin Brockovich, who convinces Jones to stop by the market and autograph Brown’s melons. (The Tube Town Boomerang Joke® strikes!) (Aug. 22)

Beyond the Mat (Universal, R) Stunning, heartfelt portrait of the greatest American athlete of all time and eternity, Mick Foley (Mankind)! Oh, and some other World Wrestling Federation jabronis like Jake the Snake, The Rock, Chyna and the McMahons are in there, too. (Aug. 22)

Simpatico (New Line, R) Blackmail, revenge and … horsies? As long as it’s got Catherine Keener (Being John Malkovich), the convoluted plot means naught. (Aug. 22)

Supernova (MGM, R) The universe goes kablooey when Catherine Keener accepts the lead role in Alan Smithee’s new project, Being Erin Brockovich. (Aug. 22)

The Tigger Movie (Disney, G) In this Martin Scorsese adaptation, crack-addled Tigger (Kevin Spacey) stalks the mean streets of Hundred Acre Wood in search of his parents’ killer, mobster Winnie the Pooh (Joe Pesci). (Aug. 22)

The Big Kahuna (Lions Gate, R) Three lubricant salesmen pursue the ultimate score, known around Club Blue as the Big Kahuna. Uh, wasn’t this originally marketed as an adult film under the title Hundred Acre Wood? (The Tube Town Tallywacker Joke® strikes!) (Aug. 29)

Dish Dogs (VidMark, R) Tolerable 1998 twentysomething sex romp, starring Matthew Lillard (pre-SLC Punk!) and Shannon Elizabeth (pre-American Pie and Scary Movie). The Internet Movie Database says, “If you like this title, we also recommend Braveheart.” Wha?! (Aug. 29)

Girl (Columbia TriStar, R) Like everyone else, Andrea Marr (Dominique Swain) moves to Portland to “find herself,” but just ends up hanging out with a bunch of grungy rock bands. The Tube Town Movie Database says, “If you like this title, we also recommend heroin and Starbucks.” (Aug. 29)

I Dreamed of Africa (Columbia TriStar, PG-13) Two hours of personal tragedy, Kenya landscapes and a fully clothed Kim Basinger. So the selling point is … ? (Aug. 29)

The Next Best Thing (Paramount, PG-13) A straight woman (Madonna) and a gay man (Rupert Everett) have a baby; melodrama and a lousy soundtrack ensue. Originally titled The Next Best Thing to a Prison Cavity Search, but shortened by studio lawyers for fraud protection. (Aug. 29)

Princess Mononoke (Miramax, PG-13) Anime Alert! When a young warrior (voiced by Billy Crudup) desperately needs lethal weapons to battle evil forest creatures, Princess Mononoke (Claire Danes) gives him a DVD of I Dreamed of Africa and the Next Best Thing soundtrack CD. The horror, the horror … (Aug. 29) u