Utah Legislators: Outlaw Transexual Rioters 

Enough, already! It's one thing for trans girls to cheat at soccer but when they start rioting and burning police cars, they've gone too far. We have to put teeth into our laws to bring safety to cops and soccer moms. Hanging should not be ruled out—that'll make 'em think twice before cheating at volleyball. A bill that just passed out of legislative committee would outlaw burning police cars and would keep housewives in Cottonwood Heights from marching in neighborhoods dressed as Mardi Gras Indians. "Enough's enough," said state Sen. David Hinkins, R-Orangeville, who sponsored the legislation, known as the "Rioters Suck" bill. "We saw what happened in Washington, D.C.," he said of the violent storming of the U.S. Capitol by Trump supporters. A companion bill sponsored by Democrats to outlaw Trump supporters died in committee. Many of the "Rioters Suck" advocates are members of the pro-gun group United Citizens Alarm who promised to never allow Utah to become Portland. A second companion bill to outlaw Portland was sent to interim committee for study. A spokeswoman for the ACLU objected to the "draconian" legislation, declaring that trans soccer players are not a threat to democracy. Nonetheless, the bill is expected to pass.

The Green New Deal Froze Texas
We warned you about them windmills. They done blew all that cold air down from Canada and now look—everything is froze. That's what Texas Gov. Greg Abbott said. It got so cold that Ted Cruz had to go to Cancun. This here so-called emergency is not from de-regulation those leftists whine about. See, down here in Texas, we know how to run a free-for-all-market economy without a bunch of regulatory stuff—and that keeps the coal and gas industry happy, and that keeps our Republican lawmakers happy. We're happy and free in Texas. You see, it's people like that AOC woman—who lives in communist New York—who want to destroy freedom and jobs by saving the environment. If they had their way, this place would be nothing but windmills and solar energy doohickeys. What would happen on a cloudy day with no wind? It's just like Trump said, you couldn't watch TV. Of course, nobody's watching Duck Dynasty now anyhow, and the pipes have all bust, and there's ice on the TV set. But it's like former Texas Gov. Rick Perry said in a call from the Ritz-Carlton in Cancun: Texans will happily freeze to death to keep the federal government from telling us what the hell to do. (Dozens of frozen dead Texans couldn't be reached for comment.)

Dancing on the Grave of Rush Limbaugh
OK, you've had your fun, now stop dancing on the grave of talk radio host Rush Limbaugh. According to the LDS Church-owned Deseret News, such glee is not good for the soul. "The death of a human, including Mr. Limbaugh, doesn't give them a free pass from accountability," the editorial posited. "It would, however, do wonders for us to recognize our own sins of contempt, avoid dancing on the grave of the dead and cease to spew such angry vile toward anyone." And speaking of spewing angry vile, Limbaugh did just that every day to 15 million Americans, aiming it at minorities, women, gays and liberals. He gave rise to Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham and other broadcast haters, which eventually led to the rise of Donald Trump. Here's a taste of things Rush said:

"Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women access to the mainstream of society."

"When a gay person turns his back on you, it is anything but an insult; it's an invitation."

"The objective (of the migrant caravan) is to dilute and eventually eliminate or erase what is known as the distinct or unique American culture ... ."

"There's no major sickness component associated with secondhand smoke." Ironically, Limbaugh died of lung cancer. Darn.

Postscript—Everything's coming up roses. Trump is at Mar-A-Lago, Rush is 6 feet under and folks are getting vaccinated. We've hit the trifecta. Great, now all we have to do is defeat Climate Change and brace for "Spermagadon."(We are not making this up, folks.) From 1973 to 2011, the sperm count of men in Western countries had fallen 59 percent, according to experts. Epidemiologist Shanna H. Swan's new book, Count Down is subtitled, "How our modern world is threatening sperm counts, altering male and female development and threatening the future of the human race." Finally, the solution to homelessness. If you were putting off the purchase of a new Porsche or a weekend in Mesquite, this may be the excuse you've been looking for because we may soon be joining the Neanderthals in the fossil record. "Honey, you'll never guess what. I just got a great deal on a Maserati, and you're just going to love the color." Of course, for men, it's a double-edge sword (no pun intended). Their genealogical line could die off, but on the bright side there's reduced risk of getting the secretary pregnant. As for women, unwanted pregnancy could become a thing of the past. It could really screw up the right-to-life industry. Tip: Dump your stock now.

OK, Wilson, we should celebrate our good fortune. And the guys in the band are looking pretty happy. What can you drum up to send us on our merry way:

Groovin' on a Sunday afternoon
Really couldn't get away too soon
I can't imagine anything that's better
The world is ours whenever we're together
There ain't a place I'd like to be...

Just groovin' on a Sunday afternoon
Really couldn't get away too soon
No, no, no, no

We'll keep on spending sunny days this way
We're gonna talk and laugh our time away
I feel it coming closer day by day
Life would be ecstasy, you and me endlessly

Groovin' on a Sunday afternoon
Really couldn't get away too soon
No, no, no, no
Groovin', uh huh...
Groovin'

"Groovin'"—The Young Rascals