Utah 2013: The Year-End Quiz | Cover Story | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

December 26, 2013 News » Cover Story

Utah 2013: The Year-End Quiz 

Think you know what happened locally in 2013? Test your knowledge of the year

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SEPTEMBER

Noted Kardashian accessory and marginal rapper Kanye West canceled his previously scheduled November Salt Lake City tour date at EnergySolutions Arena and picked up dates in other cities (an Anaheim stop replaced his SLC concert). The reason Yeezus pulled out:

A. Ticket pre-sales were light, and it was financially prudent for West to cancel the date in favor of a better-selling alternative.

B. He’s recently learned the value of pulling out.

C. This town isn’t big enough for two all-knowing prophets.

D. Anaheim has a Jack in the Box. Deal with it.

The first-ever Salt Lake Comic Con drew more than 72,000 attendees, shattering Salt Palace attendance records (and national first-time con records) over three days and attracting high-profile last-minute guests like Marvel Comics founder Stan Lee. The reason the event went over so big:

A. Demand for a full-scale comic con has been building in Utah for years and, with geek culture now a mainstream fixture, the timing was right.

B. Fine—because you mentioned it on your podcast. Happy now?

C. Utahns have long been conditioned to gather and worship imaginary beings with superpowers.

D. Everybody needed something to do after Kanye canceled.

The Salt Lake Tribune laid off 19 employees and retired two editors as a part of a “historic restructuring of operations.” Weeks earlier, it was revealed that an intern and guest “journalists” at former newspaper the Deseret News had plagiarized (or, “aggregated without attribution,” sounds nicer) on several occasions. The takeaway on the state of local newspapers was:

A. Times are tough in the business, and everyone has to work more diligently and make do with less.

B. You know, like weeklies have had to do since their inception, fat cats.

C. Seriously, City Weekly is free—why are you even bothering with those guys?

D. Did I mention that, in addition to cranking out this feature, I had to edit the City Weekly website, run all of the various social media, write a couple of other columns, tune up the delivery vans, vacuum the office and take out the trash? Just sayin’.


OCTOBER

In a video posted to Facebook, Utah Boy Scout leader Glenn Taylor was shown knocking over a 170-million-year-old rock formation in Goblin Valley State Park, saying it was unsteady and could have fallen on someone if he hadn’t performed the “civic service.” He later received death threats and may have faced criminal charges. The lesson learned from the incident was:

A. Destruction of natural formations is a serious matter.

B. If you want to keep a video from haters, post it on Google+ where no one will see it.

C. They’ll let any wheezing fat-ass be a Boy Scout leader.

D. The Earth is older than 6,000 years? Yeah, right.

Sen. Mike Lee said he would donate a portion of his salary to charity during the government shutdown he was essentially leading—after telling KUTV 2’s Chris Jones that he’d be keeping all of his pay, because “I’m working.” After the KUTV story was picked up by Buzzfeed, Lee’s people demanded a “retraction” for the “wrong” story, despite recorded evidence to the contrary. The truth likely was:

A. Lee misspoke, then tried to overcorrect his position through handlers.

B. He really is the complete dumbass you thought he was all along.

C. Never trust Buzzfeed. Ever.

D. Lee ended the interview with an abrupt “I have to return some videotapes …”


NOVEMBER

After being dogged by accusations of wrongdoing since he was sworn into office in January, Utah Attorney General John Swallow finally resigned, still claiming innocence. The case against Swallow would only get worse in December, with scads of e-mails and electronic data going missing and seemingly replaced with new, fabricated information. The only logical explanation for all of the mounting drama surrounding Swallow was:

A. He’s guilty.

B. He’s not innocent.

C. He’s lying.

D. The local Liberal Media is just on a witchhunt for a Mormon Republican.

Engineers at Brigham Young University made strides against the problem of urine splashback for males at toilet bowls and urinals; their conclusion, after studying the “physical mechanisms of fluid behaviors,” was that the one surefire solution for men is:

A. To sit down and pee.

B. To only urinate outdoors, as nature intended.

C. A new invention called the WeinerCone®, and you can get in on the ground floor of this “golden” opportunity with just a nominal investment.

D. To move on and pretend we never discussed this.


DECEMBER

A U.S. District court judge issued a ruling that rendered parts of Utah’s polygamy laws unconstitutional, saying that the phrase “or cohabits with another person” violates the First and 14th amendments. This precedent-setting ruling:

A. Decriminalizes polygamy.

B. Is going to give us at least one more season of Sister Wives, as well as a late-night talk-show spin-off, Kickin’ It With Kody Brown.

C. Isn’t going to change your current wife’s mind, so forget it, buddy.

D. Is going to make for some very uncomfortable suburban block parties next summer.

City Weekly published its first-ever “Year-End Quiz,” a subtle variation on the “Year in Review” issue from previous Decembers, designed specifically to:

A. Serve as filler in what is typically the week with the lowest pick-up rate of the entire year.

B. Be the basis of a marathon pub quiz that we totally can make happen, if any sponsors are interested … anyone? Anyone?

C. Give you a break from Stephen Dark’s feel-good features. Coming in January: “The Satan-Worshipping Puppy-Killer Meth-heads of Kearns: A 12-Part Investigative Series.”

D. Enrapture readers with the author’s spellbinding prose and irresistible wit.

Answers: All A. 

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