Utah 2013: The Year-End Quiz 

Page 2 of 3

MAY

Utah Shooting Sports Council chairman and guns-rights advocate Clark Aposhian was arrested on domestic-violence charges on Memorial Day after driving his army-surplus truck onto his ex-wife’s property, blowing an air horn and threatening to “end” her and her current husband. The case is still in court; if convicted, Aposhian could have:

A. His chairmanship rescinded.

B. His concealed-carry instructor’s license revoked.

C. His 300 firearms confiscated.

D. A reality show.

JUNE

The first Utah Dunkin’ Donuts opened in downtown Salt Lake City, setting off public and media frenzies not seen since the last opening of a national chain outlet. The most-anticipated offerings at Dunkin’ Donuts were:

A. Donuts, coffee, sandwiches and other items that have been readily available locally forever under, apparently, the wrong brand name.

B. A fleeting replacement for the sweet, sweet rush since worn off from Trader Joe’s.

C. Whatever there is to Dunk—there’s Dunkin’ to be had! Dunk! Dunk! Dunk!

D. A better class of sidewalk prostitutes.

A UtahsRight.com report showed that statewide drunken-driving convictions declined after liquor laws were loosened and private-club memberships were discontinued in 2008, despite warnings at the time from Mothers Against Drunk Drivers that the number would go up. The possible reason for the decline:

A. Treat people more like adults and they’ll act more like adults.

B. Since the numbers actually increased in Salt Lake City, our party-animal status remains intact—woo-hoo!

C. More Utahns are choosing to drink at home. Or at their neighbor’s unlicensed garage bar.

D. This report was obviously compiled by the Liberal Media, who are all drunks.

At the 2013 Miss USA Pageant, Miss Utah Marissa Powell was asked during the always-problematic Q&A portion of the program about occupational pay discrepancies between men and women, to which she gave a rambling, incoherent answer that ended with how “we need to create education better.” Powell’s intended point probably was:

A. Better education would lead to higher-quality jobs and more pay for women and men alike.

B. “I waxed every inch of my body for this, now you want me to talk, too?”

C. A woman’s earning potential is directly proportional to that of the NBA player she hooks up with after the pageant.

D. “Look at me, now look at you. Who’s going to come out just fine here, Internet nerds?”

JULY

On the first day of what would become one of the hottest Utah Julys on record, downtown Salt Lake City’s new high-tech/low-convenience parking-meter system went down, resulting in free parking for a week until the blue towers could be brought back online. The partially solar-powered meters stopped working because:

A. Extreme temperatures overheated the circuit boards.

B. An activist hacker who could have taken down the NSA decided, “Naw, I’m going after the Salt Lake Parking Gestapo!”

C. The meters are wired in parallel to those “Push to Cross Street” buttons, which are connected to nothing. They’re a filthy lie.

D. The Utah Division of Oil, Gas & Mining was right: The sun is evil.

Honest Tea beverage company set up a kiosk at The Gateway, offering its beverages for $1 on the honor system; thirsty locals were found to be 88 percent “honest,” down from Salt Lake City’s 100 percent ranking in an identical experiment in 2012. This unscientific exercise proved that:

A. Utahns are still fairly trustworthy.

B. Local media will jump on any corporate press release put in front of them.

C. Competitor Nas-Tea really needs to step up its marketing.

D. There were actually people at The Gateway at some point in July.

AUGUST

A Sandy man was charged with running a neighborhood bar out of his garage without a license. No prior trouble or incidents were reported, but he was turned in anyway by concerned citizens who were only looking out for the welfare of:

A. The Children. It’s always about The Children.

B. The dangerously low profit margins of the local State Liquor Store.

C. The unlicensed casino/strip club/pharmacy they run in their own garage.

D. Lovable town drunk Otis.

A week after collapsing on the street in downtown Salt Lake City while pulling a passenger carriage in the summer heat, Jerry the horse died—despite reports from the carriage company that “he’s fine, just fine.” The death drew outrage from:

A. PETA—and some sane groups as well.

B. Ikea, who followed up with, “So … are you going to use that?”

C. Romantics who were really looking forward to riding around in a slow, uncomfortable open carriage in subzero temperatures during the holidays.

D. Gary, Jerry’s long-time “friend” with whom he shared a tony west-side horse condo. Strictly platonic.

Park City was named “Best Town in America” by Outside magazine, thanks to:

A. Its “small-town friendliness, absurdly easy access and five-star culture,” according to Outside.

B. “Bribery—these goddamned Richie Riches are loaded; their yoga-pants trophy wives pulling their goddamned dogs and perfect 2.5 kids in here every morning for their goddamned half-caf soy-Splenda hazelnut mocha with a caramel drizzle,” according to a local barista. “But nice folks.”

C. A local service industry that knows its place.

D. Runner-up Greenville, S.C., sucking so hard. Way to suck, Greenville!

A mystery man left tips totaling $7,000 at two Ogden bars and a golf course, leading to speculation that the generous patron was:

A. Billionaire Richard Branson, who did happen to be in the area that week.

B. Bruce Wayne, who is a fictional character.

C. Tony Stark—also a fictional character, but far more likely to be hanging out in Ogden.

D. Drunk.