U-S-A! U-S-A! | News of the Weird | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

U-S-A! U-S-A! 

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U-S-A! U-S-A!
Although discouraging the marriage of children in developing nations has been U.S. foreign policy for years, a data-collecting watchdog group in America disclosed in February that 27 U.S. states have no minimum marriage ages and estimates that an average of almost 25,000 children age 15 and under are permitted to marry every year ("estimates" because some states do not keep records by age). Child marriage is often allowed in the U.S. if parents approve, although no such exemption is made in foreign policy, largely to curb developing nations' "family honor" marriages—which often wreck girls' chances for self-actualizing. (However, "family honor" is still, in some states, the basis for allowing U.S. child marriages, such as with "shotgun" weddings.)

Compelling Explanations
Glenn Schloeffel, vice president of the Central Bucks school board in a Philadelphia suburb, recommended that science books be viewed skeptically on climate change because teenage depression rates have been increasing. Surely, he said, one factor depressing students is reading all that alarming climate-change data.

• Seattle's Real Estate Services rental agency has informed the family of the late Dennis Hanel that it would not return his security deposit following his January death because he had not given the lease-required "notice" giving up his apartment. He had cancer, but died of a heart attack. Washington state law requires only that the landlord provide an explanation for why it is keeping the deposit.

Runaway Math
John Haskew, who told investigators that he was "self-taught on the banking industry," evidently thought he might succeed making bogus wire transfers to himself from a large (unidentified) national bank, in the amount of $7 billion. He pleaded guilty in February in Lakeland, Fla., and said he thought he "deserved" the money.

• Katherine Kempson, 49, deciding to pay cash for a $1.2 million home, forged (according to York County, Pa., deputies) a "proof of funds" letter from the Members 1st Credit Union. Home sales are, of course, highly regulated formalities, and several attempted "closings" were halted when her money kept not showing up. One deputy told a reporter, "I'm guessing that she probably didn't think it through."

• The highest bail amount ever ordered in America—$4 billion for murder suspect Antonio Willis—was briefly in play in Killeen, Texas, in February, set by Bell County's elected Justice of the Peace Claudia Brown. Bail was reduced 10 days later to $150,000 by a district court judge, prompting Brown to acknowledge that she set the "$4 billion" to call attention to Texas' lack of bail standards, which especially punishes indigent arrestees with little hope of raising even modest amounts when accused of minor crimes.

Wait, What?
Researchers including Rice University biochemist John Olson revealed in a February journal article that one reason a man avoided anemia even though he had a gene mutation that weakened his hemoglobin was because he has been a tobacco smoker—that the carbon monoxide from smoke had been therapeutic. His daughter, with the same gene mutation, did develop anemia since she never smoked (although Olson suggested other ways besides smoking to strengthen hemoglobin, such as by massive intakes of vitamin C).

• Several death-penalty states continue to be frustrated by whether their lethal-injection "cocktails" make death so painful as to be unconstitutionally "cruel," and Arizona's latest solution, announced as a Department of Corrections protocol, is for the condemned to supply their own (presumably less unpleasant) drugs. There was immediate objection, noting that such drugs might only be available by black market—and questioning whether the government can legally force someone to kill himself.

People With Underdeveloped Consciences
Just before Christmas, Tammy Strickland, 38, was arrested in Polk County, Fla., and charged with stealing 100 toys from a Toys for Tots collection box.

• In February, thieves unbolted and stole a PlayStation from the children's cancer ward at Wellington Hospital in New Zealand.

• Judith Permar, 56, who was found dead, stuck in a clothing donation drop-off box in Mount Carmel, Pa., in February (a result, police said, of trying to "steal" items), had driven to the box in her Hummer.

Recent Alarming Headlines
"America's Top Fortune Cookie Writer Is Quitting Because of Writer's Block" (Time magazine, Feb. 3, 2017). "Vaginal Pain Helps Exonerate Man Accused of Murder" (Miami Herald, Feb. 8, 2017) (emergency medical technicians treating his sister corroborated his alibi). "Dresden Protest Against Anti-Islam Pegida Group Banned Over Snowball Fight Fears" (The Independent, Jan. 24, 2017) (previously in Dresden, Germany, religious-freedom demonstrators chose "tossing snowballs" as appropriate for ridiculing Pegida).

Phallic News From Overseas
In February, doctors at Narayana Health City in Bangalore, India, were successful in a five-hour, 20-specialist surgery normalizing an infant born with the chromosomal abnormality "polymelia"—which resulted in four legs and two penises. Doctors praised the parents, from rural Puladinni village, for recognizing the issue as medical and not as superstition.

• In February, police in southern Bangladesh arrested a family that used a fake penis to convince neighbors that the family had the powers of genies ("djinns"). The villagers had known the family had a girl, but overnight the genies had "changed" her into a boy, thus frightening the villagers into making offerings to the family.

Undignified Deaths
Clifford Jones, 58, was killed in a one-vehicle crash in Detroit in January, having lost control of his car because, according to Michigan State Police, he was distracted by watching pornography on his cell phone. He was also not wearing pants.

• Leslie Ray Charping, 75, of Galveston, Texas, lived "much longer than he deserved," according to his daughter, in a widely shared obituary in February, in a life that "served no obvious purpose." The death notice referenced his "bad parenting" and "being generally offensive," and closed with "Leslie's passing proves that evil does in fact die."

Least Competent Criminals
Willie Anthony, 20, and Jamarqua Davis, 16, were arrested in Kannapolis, N.C., in February after, police said, they broke into a Rent-a-Center at 2 a.m. and stole a big-screen TV. After loading the set into one car, they drove off in separate vehicles, but in their haste, smashed into each other in the parking lot. Both men subsequently drove the wrong way down South Cannon Boulevard, and both then accidentally crashed separately into other vehicles, allowing police to catch up.

The Passing Parade
Nelson Foyle, 93, is believed to be Britain's longest-time patron of the same pub (the Dog and Gun in Salisbury, England), and fellow drinkers recently bought him an honorary "lordship" title to mark his 80th year on the establishment's barstools.

• An art collective in a Los Angeles storefront recreated (for a two-week run in January) a retro video store that featured only boxed VHS editions of the movie Jerry Maguire—about 14,000 copies.

Thanks this week to Stan Kaplan, Vernon Balbert, Harry Thompson and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

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