Trump Loses, Ingraham Jailed, Hannity Hospitalized | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Trump Loses, Ingraham Jailed, Hannity Hospitalized 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

Pin It
Favorite
smart_bomb.jpg

Sean Hannity was found drunk in his underpants sprawled near his desk babbling something about the end of the greatest presidency in history and lost investments in Trump Hotels. Laura Ingraham was pacing around the TV studios with a tire iron yelling, "Where is that little f-ker, James Murdoch. I'm gunna kill that turncoat pinko." And Tucker Carlson phoned into Howard Stern's shock radio program demanding a recount. "The liberal Democrats have stolen the election!" he screamed. "They hate America." Eighty nine-year-old media mogul Rupert Murdoch was tucked safely away in his London penthouse with his 27-year-old wife watching CNN. He tweeted that Fox News—the American answer to Chanel One Russia—would change its name to Eagle America and would replace Trump mouthpieces Hannity, Ingraham and Carlson with the Jonas Brothers. Lou Dobbs was last seen being wheeled out of Fox headquarters in a straitjacket, screaming, "I'm Lou Dobbs, you bastards, I'm Lou Dobbs."

Stewart Skips Meds, Says Polls Wrong on Purpose
Those dirty, rotten, no-good pollsters. We know what they've done, they phonied-up the polls to fool Trump voters so the Stable Genius would lose the election. How do we know this? Because Utah Congressman Chris Stewart said so, and he's almost never wrong—if you don't count all the Deep State coup attempt conspiracy theories. "They weren't just incredibly wrong again," spat the enraged congressman. "They didn't just make a mistake. They made a decision. ... It's nothing less than voter manipulation." Heaven forbid. Republicans would never do such a thing. Of course, it would mean hundreds of pollsters across the country gathered in a star chamber to cook up another liberal conspiracy to steal our guns and freedom. Sources tell the staff here at Smart Bomb that Stewart has gone off his ibogaine because it makes him feel dumb. Perhaps that is why he appears even more intelligent than ever. Now, he's almost as brilliant as Sen. Mike "Capt. Moroni" Lee, who recently accused Google, Facebook and Twitter of bias against (ultra) conservatives who want to set the clock back to 1920. Not only do they censor the president, Lee hissed, but they let the Babylon Bee say anything, such as, "Trump Locks Self in Oval Office, Swallows Key." It's just disgraceful.

Sean Reyes to the Rescue
Utah's attorney general is taking some well-deserved time off from chasing sex-traffickers in South America and at the Sundance Film Festival to help El Presidente Donald Trump and his minions save the country from the dastardly Democrats who just stole the election with mail-in ballots. Sean Reyes is no dummy (actually, the jury is still out on that), and he knows that when Donald Trump says millions of ballots were mailed to dead Armenians, you can take it to the bank—more specifically Deutsche Bank on account of no other bank will deal with Trump. But we digress. Reyes has the type of vision that can see through a keyhole with both eyes at the same time. And the people of Utah just reelected him by a resounding margin, and they are rarely wrong when it comes to ultra-conservatives mouthing talking points like abortion, guns and gays. And besides, Mormons can't in good faith vote for Democrats who would turn us into Norway and make us get healthcare and education. But back to the election: Reyes and all the Trumpers want a total election do-over with no phony ballots mailed in from the Uyghurs in China, because, as Trump said, the only way he could lose is if the election were rigged and all the votes were actually counted.

Postscript—Ever get the feeling that a great weight has been lifted, and all of a sudden, the world looks pretty good? We're talking, of course, about the end of the baseball season. The LA Dodgers won after an eternity of nightmares. It was as though the darkness had settled in and would never leave. Then, they won, and it was like springtime all over the world. People were dancing around Dodger Stadium waving flags and kissing each other (through masks, of course). World leaders called to welcome the Dodgers back into the family of nations. Bells tolled all night long in Paris. A lot of people praised the breakthrough player who could hit in the clutch and run down long balls and catch 'em in her back pocket. But in the end, it was the steady hand of the veteran manager who, through tough times and ups and downs, brought it all together, even after he was counted out. But rather than prance around and brag about it, he went the way of Lou Gehrig and thanked everyone who kept the faith and brought the team along. Who knows, he could be a future Hall-of-Famer.

Well, Wilson, let's live it up for a few days because something tells us that the next 10 weeks could be a little dicey—mayhem will reign until Mad King Donald is dragged into the sunset. So, send us out with a romp that will carry us through to Jan. 20.

If you believe in magic, come along with me
We'll dance until morning till there's just you and me
And maybe, if the music is right
I'll meet you tomorrow, sort of late at night
And we'll go dancing, baby, then you'll see
How the magic's in the music, and the music's in me

Yeah, magic
Do you believe in magic
Believe in the magic of the young girl's soul
Believe in the magic of-a rock and roll
Believe in the magic that can set you free
Ohh, talking 'bout the magic ...

"Do You Believe In Magic"—The Lovin' Spoonful

Pin It
Favorite

Tags:

More by Christopher Smart

Latest in Opinion

  • The Horse's Tush

    Taking a Gander: It will take some Americans longer than others to see Trump for who he really is.
    • Nov 25, 2020
  • Good Mormons Had to Vote Trump

    Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis
    • Nov 25, 2020
  • Not All Is Lost

    Taking a Gander: Resilient we may be, but we should steer clear of Trump encounters.
    • Nov 18, 2020
  • More »

Readers also liked…

  • Trump's Ten Commandments

    The story was the emetic equivalent of a gallon of ipecac. Perhaps only a handful of attendees could clearly see Trump's horns and his trident.
    • Jan 8, 2020
  • Walled Off

    Taking a Gander: Trump's not-so Great Wall symbolizes all his dealings
    • Jun 17, 2020

© 2020 Salt Lake City Weekly

Website powered by Foundation