Trump Donates Brain to Science | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Trump Donates Brain to Science 

(and Did You Hear About Obamagate?)

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Coronavirus was created in a lab in China to win the trade war. As Don Von Drehle explains in The Washington Post: "Even the rational can be led, seduced or beguiled into believing the incredible." This characteristic has always been exploited by people seeking money and power, Von Drehle says. Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction. We have the intel.

Sherlock Holmes put it this way: "Insensibly, one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts."

And did you know that coronavirus was spread by Bill Gates and Dr. Anthony Fauci, so they could make millions on a vaccine? With the internet, conspiracies are on steroids. Did you know that Democrats weaponized coronavirus to bring down President Trump? And did you know that self-distancing is a hoax perpetrated by Rod Rosenstein's sister who works at the CDC? One thing we know for sure is that none of these conspiracy theories were created in the White House or on Fox News or Hate Radio.

Oh, and hey, did you hear about Obamagate? It's the worst ever.

Trump Donates Brain to Science
As many people have recognized, Donald Trump is one of the smartest people to have ever lived. Some say he's smarter than Lincoln was. So, on the advice of his daughter, Ivanka, the president decided to donate his brain to science—after he's dead, of course. Donald had wanted his perfectly tanned body to be put on display at Mar-a-Lago, like Lenin's tomb in Red Square. And, of course, he wants his likeness carved on Mount Rushmore next to Lincoln—think of the ratings that would get. Actually, Ivanka didn't really suggest that he donate his brain to science—it was all a misunderstanding. She had said, "Daddy, you are so smart, and science could prove it if only they could look inside your brain." But Trump got to thinking about it, and he just knew his brain was bigger than Kennedy's. Donald could imagine it under a lighted glass dome in the Smithsonian with a sign that read: "This is the brain of Donald J. Trump, the most brilliant man to have ever lived." It's a grand idea. Let's see Obama top that.

Bill Barr A Man for Our Times
Just because Attorney General Bill Barr pardoned, er uh, dropped charges against former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn is no reason to believe our entire system of jurisprudence has been tossed in the garbage. As we know, President Trump had absolutely nothing to do with it. Second, just because Flynn pleaded guilty twice to lying to the FBI about his contacts with the Russian ambassador before the election doesn't mean he's guilty. As Barr told CBS news: "People plead guilty all the time to things they didn't do." Sure, Flynn talked to Sergey Kislyak several times regarding dropping sanctions Obama leveled after Russia tampered with the 2016 election—but so what? And anyway, as we all know by now, Vladdy Putin didn't screw with the election, despite Robert Mueller's detailed indictments of 22 Russian operatives. Now, some say Barr undercut the justice system by singling out one man for clemency who just happens to be Trump's buddy. But if justice were blind, how could you recognize your friends? And lookit, if it weren't for Bill Barr, Americans would believe the Mueller report was an in-depth road map of felonies committed by Trump and his minions. And as far as any criticism? Well, Bill Barr is above all that—or he doesn't give a shit.

Virus May Reshape Thinking on Homelessness
Before Ronald Reagan's time as president, there were scarcely any homeless people. Since 1980, the GDP adjusted for inflation grew from $5.49 trillion to $17.29 trillion, but wages for Americans stagnated or even fell. A small elite group took all the gains, with a little help from Congress. Before the pandemic, many workers lived paycheck to paycheck and were one calamity away from eviction. Some have the notion that homeless people don't want to work and choose homelessness. That isn't true for 90 percent of people who have become homeless: single moms, people who lost jobs, folks who became addicted to painkillers after surgery or became bankrupt after an extended hospital stay. Since March, millions of Americans can't make rents or mortgage payments because they were furloughed or lost jobs permanently. While some countries, such as Denmark, Finland and Great Britain have substantial safety nets, the U.S. does not. That's abundantly clear now, if it wasn't before. Since 1980, workers have consistently voted to give up their share of the American pie. Will COVID-19 wake them up or will they remain prisoners of the rhetoric that got them here?

Postscript: As our old friend Chops used to say, "When you're doomed, you're doomed." And boy, howdy, is there a lot of doom going around. Of course, one person's doom is another's call to action. And that means protesting, damn it. Middle-age white people in T-shirts and automatic weapons are protesting in several states demanding their freedom. They are sick and tired of daytime TV and don't have any parents who died of COVID-19 in continuing care facilities (don't say rest homes). Only 80,000 Americans have died from the virus, so why should they not be able to shop, eat out and go to the drag races (we're talking about cars, here).

And as that great American Phil Lyman said, "The government can't force [idiots like] me to wear a mask." After all, there is nothing in the Constitution about masks and social distancing.

By the way, did you hear, they're creating a new sitcom called Social Distancing. We are not making this up. Life has changed. But probably not forever. In the flu pandemic of 1918 that went into the spring of 1919, some 675,000 Americans died. Life did go back to normal, although America was changing rapidly. Women got the right to vote in 1920; the NBC radio network was formed in 1926; Charles Lindbergh flew across the Atlantic; and the stock market crashed in 1929 leading to the Great Depression. If today's protestors are anxious now, just give them a year.

COVID-19 will not be over soon—unless injections of Lysol are made available to all 325 million Americans. OK, we made that one up, we just couldn't help it. Hey, did you hear that Corona beer with lime will cure coronavirus?

OK, Wilson, tell the band to put down their Coronas and take us out of here with something to get us through the next week of the plague:

Time for a cool change
If there's one thing
In my life that's missing
It's the time that I spend alone
Sailing on the cool
And bright clear water ...

Time for a cool change
I know that it's time for a cool change
Now that my life is so prearranged
I know that it's time for a cool change

("Cool Change," Little River Band)

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