True TV | Disco Abuse: Swingtown, Fear Itself, Charlie Jade, Army Wives, Men In Trees 

Swingtown Thursday, June 5 (CBS)
Series Debut: Since the Parents Television Council (True TV’s favorite moral watchdog group, right after Christians Undoing Naughty Television) began editorializing against the “evils” of Swingtown before it had even aired, I was almost prepared to give it a pass. Besides, how long can a stylized soap about wife-swapping ’70s suburbanites survive on CBS, anyway? The last time it tried to step too far out of the forensics ’n’ fluids box, we got Viva Laughlin—and that was at least mercifully short on disco abuse. That New ’70s Show, er, Swingtown, may be dressed up in polyester-period trappings (sex, drugs, un-ironic mustaches), but even gifted leads like Molly Parker (Deadwood) and Jack Davenport (Coupling—the good, British one) can’t sell this as much more than prefab “vintage” on aisle 10 at Crate & Barrel. Worst of all, it isn’t even as dirty as Two & a Half Men! So not groovy …

Fear Itself Thursday, June 5 (NBC)
Series Debut: Speaking of the ’70s, that’s probably the last time a horror anthology series worked on network TV—show of hands, who watches Night Gallery reruns on Chiller? Anyone? Anyone? Fear Itself will probably be seen by at least a dozen more people. Each week, a different director and cast will go for scares within the prim confines of network standards; first up tonight is the tale of four on-the-lam thugs holed up in a haunted fort with mysterious, sexy sirens. Now, would a real horror fan rather see an R-rated version of that story or PG-13? If you know the answer, watch this tonight, write up a fan-fiction re-treatment with more blood and boobs and send it to the Parents Television Council.

Charlie Jade Friday, June 6 (Sci-Fi)
Series Debut: After last year’s doomed launches of Painkiller Jane (had promise, began sucking, got canceled) and Flash Gordon (hit the ground sucking, became even suckier, got canceled), the Sci-Fi Channel could use a new original hit—or at least something that doesn’t, you know, suck. Charlie Jade, a gorgeously cinematic French-Canadian (wait, stay with me here) series that’s already a critical hit in Europe and file-shared by geeks worldwide, does not suck (there’s your pull-quote, Sci-Fi). Detective Charlie Jade (Jeffrey Pierce) is thrown into the Betaverse (our present reality) from the Alphaverse (a Bladerunner-y parallel universe) when corporate scientists from that plane create a wormhole in an attempt to steal water from the Gammaverse (a utopian parallel universe apparently run by hippies and Al Gore) but instead cause an explosion that ripples through all three and renders said wormhole impassable. Charlie soon learns that if the scientists succeed in reopening the wormhole, the Betaverse will cease to exist—and, of course, only he can stop it. Lost doesn’t seem like such a mindfuck now, does it?

Army Wives Sunday, June 8 (Lifetime)
Season Premiere: When Season 1 of Lifetime’s highest-rated Drama (capital D—hell, capital R-A-M-A, too) ever concluded last August, the Army Wives were about to be blow’d up in a roadside bar by a distraught soldier strapped with explosives. See? Capital D, man! But, since all of the main cast is back for Season 2, it wasn’t so much a cliffhanger as a setup for mucho stock-taking and tear-squirting for the thoroughly modern military MILFs upon return. As cable soaps go, Army Wives is surprisingly well acted and deep, walking the line between requisite “Hollywood liberalism” and sincere patriotism more skillfully than a country singer at the Grammys. Me, I’m just here for Catherine Bell …

Men in Trees Wednesday, June 11 (ABC)
Series Finale: You now have one episode to say buh-bye to Anne Heche forever. And … go!

DVD

Army Wives: Season 1
Relive all the D-R-A-M-A of the first season of Army Wives, the first Lifetime series to break the suck barrier with good acting, believable (well, mostly) storylines and—finally!—a steady TV gig for Kim Delaney. It’s like Desperate Housewives, only less annoying. LifetimeTV.com

 

Finish Line
Imagine The Fast & The Furious with a NASCAR angle, an illegal arms-trading subplot and Scott freakin’ Baio (!) as the cigar-chompin’ millionaire crime boss running the whole show! Need I even mention the young driver working as an FBI mole and boinking the boss’ hot daughter? RHITV.com

 

Funny Games
Michael Haneke re-brings the ultra-violence in a remake of his 1997 Australian psychological thriller, now starring Naomi Watts and Tim Roth as a couple tortured by yuppie pricks (really, who hasn’t been?). There’s also a Deep Message about violence as entertainment. Sorry. WarnerBros.com

 

The Other Boleyn Girl
Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman (and Eric Bana … zzz … oh, dozed off) star in the umpteenth retelling of King Henry VIII’s historical threesome, with lush cinematography, lush costumes and lush bosoms heaving out of same. Sony.com

 

Witless Protection
The Oscar-snubbed tour de force starring Larry the Cable Guy (as a redneck sheriff!) and Jenny McCarthy (as … a brunette!) inadvertently involved in FBI intrigue and metropolitan high society. If you see only one sleeveless comedy this year, make it Witless Protection! Ouch … Lionsgate.com

 

More New DVD Releases (June 10)
7th Heaven: Season 6, The Boondocks: Season 2, The Bucket List, City of Vice, Hawaii Five-O: Season 4, John Adams, Jumper, My Boys: Season 1, The Odd Couple: Season 4, Sidekick

Listen to Bill Mondays at 8 a.m. on X96’s Radio From Hell. Sleeveless blogging at BillFrost.tv. Even more True TV linkage at MySpace.com/TrueTV and on Facebook.