Top Secret Docs and Explosive Bustiers | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly

Top Secret Docs and Explosive Bustiers 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do—FBI agents or aliens posing as FBI agents have victimized Donald Trump AGAIN! It wasn't enough that little beings in Italian satellites screwed up the election by switching votes from Trump to Biden, but now we learn someone or something has slipped classified documents into Melania's de-humidified walk-in closets at Mar-a-Lago.

Whoever it was stashed the top secret records in the wardrobe containing her lingerie. It's all in the search warrant where it says: "lift and separate." Very suspicious. In fact, Utah Rep. Chris Stewart even said, "Maybe it was aliens." No Wilson, he actually said that.

Attorney General Merrick Garland issued a statement saying the FBI does not hire aliens. But that didn't quell the anger on the right. Arizona Rep. Paul Gosar said: "We must destroy the FBI." And former House Speaker Newt Gingrich compared the FBI to the Gestapo.

Of course, we know the GOP is pro-law enforcement—remember "Lock Her Up"? But this is different on account of ... well, it just is.

Like, why would Donald Trump hide nuclear secrets in Melania's lingerie—it makes no sense unless he had a secret deal with Putin through Valeria, the Russian equivalent of Victoria's Secret. Now that would be one explosive bustier.

Placentas are People, Too
If you are traveling by air and have a placenta, you can demand two seats in comfort-plus, according to our friends on the right. Dave Alvord, local Republican patriot and Salt Lake County councilman, shot back at Vice President Kamala Harris on Twitter recently, mansplaining to her that a fetus is not part of a mother's body. No Wilson, we are not making this up.

Alvord had taken umbrage when the veep said that women should have control over their own bodies. Amid criticism—and despite medical facts—Alvord bravely stood his ground. "The baby floats inside the woman ... the umbilical cord and the placenta are part of a new and developing body, with its own unique DNA and gender" he wrote.

The notion that a developing fetus is part of the mother is just a fake rationale for leftist baby killers. "It is not about the woman's body," he explained, "it's to kill then remove the baby's body. It is done in greater proportion to black babies."

A consummate conservative, Alvord also uses Facebook to make important cultural arguments, such as this: "[T]he left won't be happy until we each have light brown skin are exactly alike ... until there are no males, no females ... until we are all bi-sexual and in non-committed relationships." And that's why it's soooo important to keep voting Republican!

Missing Texts—and What They Reveal
A whole bunch of missing text messages have been found, and what they reveal is simply astonishing. The staff here at Smart Bomb has come into possession of missing texts from Utah's congressional delegation surrounding the Climate Bill, a.k.a. the Inflation Reduction Act.

Not one single Republican voted for it. Here are the contents of the texts, although we have yet to identify which Utah congressmen is speaking at any time:
Rep. A: The Dems say the $370 billion investment in a low-carbon economy will be paid for by prescription drug savings and raising taxes on large corporations.
Rep. B: That's why we're not voting for it—we got friends in Big Oil and Coal.
Rep. C: The good thing is we can vote against it and then campaign as though we're saving the world. Our constituents won't know 'cause they watch Fox.
Rep. D: But it includes $60 billion for renewable energy, like solar and wind. It even has tax incentives for nuclear power and electric vehicles.
Rep. B: It doesn't matter if it's good, we can't let Biden have any victories.
Rep. A: But what about global warming and climate change?
Rep. C: Don't worry, it's not like the polar ice caps are melting or anything.

Postscript—Well, that'll do it for another week in the Dog Days of summer here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of bears on hallucinogenic trips so you don't have to. This is for real: A brown bear in Turkey came across some great smelling honey and had at it, apparently unaware that it was "deli bal" or "mad honey."

The hallucinogenic sweet stuff has been cultivated for hundreds of years by beekeepers in the Black Sea region. The female cub was found stoned out of her gourd in the back of a pickup. Luckily, the driver whisked her to a vet, where she came down safely from what must have been one long, strange trip.

Wilson and the guys in the band are Smart Bomb's staff experts on hallucinogens but not even they had heard of deli bal. Yes Wilson, it would probably go nicely with Turkish waffles. And no, the FBI has not disclosed whether any mad honey was found at Mar-a-Lago. But if Trump had smuggled in some deli bal it would explain a lot of things.

You're right Wilson, he acts more like a speed freak or a coke-head. Most acid trippers are pretty mellow—like Mike Pence. It would be interesting if the MAGA crowd that is ready to hunt down FBI agents got gifts of Turkish honey. On the other hand, imagine a bunch of crazies with AR-15s on a bad acid trip. Well, it's kinda like that already.

Alright Wilson, we can read your mind. You're clinging hopelessly to the past and we know where you want to go. So wake up the guys in the band and tell 'em to ditch the Hawaiian shirts and sandals for T-shirts and walking shoes 'cause they're goin' truckin'.

Truckin', got my chips cashed in
Keep truckin', like the do-dah man
Together, more or less in line
Just keep truckin' on

Sometimes the light's all shinin' on me
Other times I can barely see
Lately it occurs to me
What a long, strange trip it's been

What in the world ever became of sweet Jane?
She lost her sparkle, you know she isn't the same
Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame"

Sittin' and starin' out of the hotel window
Got a tip they're gonna kick the door in again
I'd like to get some sleep before I travel
But if you got a warrant, I guess you're gonna come in
You're sick of hangin' around and you'd like to travel
Get tired of travelin' and you want to settle down
I guess they can't revoke your soul for tryin'
Get out of the door and light out and look all around

Sometimes the light's all shinin' on me
Other times I can barely see
Lately it occurs to me
What a long, strange trip it's been
"Truckin'"—Grateful Dead

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