Top 10 ways to stay cool in the summer. | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly

Top 10 ways to stay cool in the summer. 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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1. Run sprinklers under your trampoline.
2. Put ice cubes in your money belt.
3. Eat lots of spicy hot brazed pork belly.
4. Get a neck fan or a pair of pet hummingbirds.
5. Keep your deodorant in the refrigerator for cool pits.
6. Fill your iPhone spritzer with mint tea and gin.
7. Stop cooking pot stickers and hush puppies.
8. Take a jar of pimento olives from the fridge and put one up each nostril.
9. Soak your feet while reading The Zen Monkey and the Lotus Flower.
10. And the No. 1 way to beat the heat: Pick a fight with your spouse right before bedtime—to keep from sleeping next to a hot body.

State to Feds: ‘Up Yours’
Washington is always passing laws and implementing regulations and here in Utah, we've had a gutful. It's government overreach, pure and simple. We're into God and Jesus and beehives and we know how to discriminate.

Take Title IX for example. A long, long time ago, Richard Nixon came up with Title IX so young women could get a fair shake in school sports and other programs—it says no to discrimination on the basis of sex, or states lose federal funding for education. Now the fairies in the Biden Administration have extended Title IX to protect transgender students from discrimination, as though they deserve freedom and liberty, too.

Well, those people need to read the Bible because God made every person a certain way on purpose and they should stay that way. If not, everyone gets all mixed up on which restroom to use and it really screws up fashion.

Utah lawmakers want to avoid, at all costs, a revival of the kilt. With the new Utah Constitutional Sovereignty Act, affectionately known by lawmakers as the “Up Yours” law, the Legislature can declare a federal law or regulation stupid and unconstitutional and pretend it doesn't exist.

It's called “Freedom,” you liberal, communist whiners. We can eat our cake and have federal funding too, no matter what Marie Antoinette said.

The 10 Commandments are Trump’s Favorite Ones
Hey Wilson, did you ever hear this American thing about separation of church and state? So, apparently, they don't teach that in school any more. “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.”

Yes Wilson, that's the First Amendment to the Constitution. But down in Louisiana, the governor just signed into law a regulation requiring the Ten Commandments be displayed in every public school classroom on account of lots of “Christians” saying this is a Christian nation and to hell with Jews and Muslims and atheists and everyone else.

And what a coincidence—Donald Trump agrees. “I love the 10 Commandments,” he said to a group of influential evangelical Christians last week. “Has anyone read the ‘Thou shalt not steal’? I mean, has anybody read this incredible stuff?”

Funny he chose that one instead of, “Thou shall not commit adultery.” But hey, no one's perfect. At least that's what Christian Trumpers say.

Move over Moses, a lot of those evangelicals believe Trump was heaven sent. Apparently a lot of Mormons do too. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Postscript—That's going to do it for another sizzling week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of polygamy so you don't have to. Hold on to your jeans Wilson, 'cause this could make you jump: Joseph Smith, the founder of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, was not a polygamist. We warned you.

The earth-shattering news comes from noted religiologist Matthew Bowman in The Salt Lake Tribune. “In the past few years, popular YouTube channels, podcasts and documentaries have been spreading the story among Latter-day Saints,” he says.

But hold on to your “Pearls of Great Price,” because most of the evidence points to something different—between 1839 and 1844 in Nauvoo, Illinois, Smith secretly married some three dozen women, although he lived only with Emma Hale Smith. His secret leaked and he was soon killed in the summer of 1844, Bowman says. In 2014, church leaders confirmed Smith's polygamy.

Smith's successor, Brigham Young, made no secret of the practice, taking 56 wives. You heard right Wilson, fifty six! Fun fact—some converts to Mormonism in other countries weren't told by missionaries that Smith was a polygamist. Oops, slight oversight. Well, you know, it's hard to remember every little detail.

OK Wilson, do you and the guys know any Mormon hymns? You know, like “Give Said The Little Stream” or “Put Your Shoulder To The Wheel?” No? Well, it seems like we ought to come up with something to fit in with our polygamy and 10 Commandments motif. So wake up the band and give us your best shot:

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late!

“Turn! Turn! Turn!”—The Byrds

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