The princess and the picture—Oh My! | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly

The princess and the picture—Oh My! 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Oh gawd! Did you hear the news? Princess Kate doctored a picture of herself with her children. It's a scandal, a real royal scandal. Touching up a photo—what is the world coming to?

There must be something big going on behind the scenes. Kate disappeared for a while after announcing she would undergo abdominal surgery. Soon, the tabloids and the web were alive with rumors. Where is she really? Something must be going on.

Then boom—on Mother's Day, Buckingham Palace released a picture of the smiling princess and her cute children. See, nothing is amiss, nothing up their sleeve, no mysterious sleight of hand.

But wait, look, there's something wrong with that photo. Princess Charlotte has two left hands; Prince Louis' sweater pattern spells, “Satan;” the zipper on Kate's jacket is upside-down. What's going on here? Is Prince William having an affair? Is Kate having an affair? Is King Charles actually dead?

Wait, hold on. Breaking News: The Royals just had a press conference. Princess Kate announced she's being treated for abdominal cancer. Is that all? Not much fodder for a good conspiracy. And of course, now we have to feel sorry for the Royals. No fun.

But stay tuned—Harry and Meghan should have something earth shattering next week. Bet on it.

Cut Medicare, Social Security for a Healthier America
The more things change, the more they stay the same. Republicans just can't help themselves: They have to go after the two most popular social programs in the country, like monkeys who can't get their hands out of the cookie jar.

They want to raise the age of eligibility for Social Security to 69 and turn Medicare into some kind of “Advantage” plan that would cost seniors a lot more. This, they say, will make for a healthier country.

It's déjà vu all over again. Remember when the Tea Party sought to shrink government and then freaked out when George W. Bush wanted to put individual Social Security accounts in the stock market? “Don't touch my Social Security,” they shrieked. Not long after that, the market crashed. Mmm, that stuff is better forgotten, just like other brilliant moves by W, like invading Iraq because ... well, there weren't any good targets in Afghanistan and the “chickenhawks” wanted to blow stuff up.

The same Republican Study Committee that wants to sabotage Social Security and Medicare seeks to make permanent Trump's huge tax cuts for corporations and the wealthy—totaling $5 trillion over 10 years. Social Security and Medicare will break us! And by the way, let's trim the IRS to cut audits. As Leona Helmsley said: “Only little people pay taxes.”

Trump Likes Mike Lee for Attorney General
Hey Wilson, word has it that when he is president again, Donald Trump is considering Utah's very own Mike Lee for Attorney General. And who better? Lee is a Constitutional expert—no really, he says so all the time.

There is one weird thing, though. Trump has said he wants to do away with the Constitution. If that were the case, then Lee would be an expert of nothing.

But we digress. Lee actually does qualify for a seat in Trump's cabinet because he did his darndest to get alternative electors for Trump's scheme to stay in the White House after he lost the election. Trump owes him one.

But more important, Lee compared Trump to Captain Moroni, a hero in The Book of Mormon. That's pretty cool—it's like a normal statesman comparing someone to FDR or Reagan. No Wilson, we're not exactly sure why Lee compared Trump to Captain Moroni. According to Mormon gospels, Moroni "did not delight in the shedding of blood." Dead ringer for Trump—well, not exactly. “Bloodbath,” anyone?

But still, ass kissing is ass kissing and Trump loves his kissed—it's a prerequisite for his A.G. If Mike Lee had been the A.G. instead of Bill Barr in December of 2020, maybe Trump would be president right now and running for his third term. Of course, there's that turncoat Mike Pence, but that's another matter.

Postscript—That's a wrap for another lovely week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of “legitimate political discourse” so you don't have to. That's what Ronna McDaniel called the Jan. 6 insurrection.

Five Alarm Fire: She just joined NBC News as a paid commentator after being pushed out of her chairmanship role at The Republican National Committee—aka The Cult of Donald Trump—where she took an active role in trying to up-end electors in the 2020 election and then echoed Trump's lies after he lost. Staffers at NBC News are spitting mad—who let the skunk in?

Meanwhile, Trump is on the campaign trail saying the treasonous Jan. 6 rioters are heroes who are held hostage by the feds. When he is elected president again, he will pardon them. It's little wonder congressional Republicans don't want to fund Ukraine for the ongoing war with Russia. They're betting that like 2016, Russia will interfere with the election, so they don't want to piss off Putin.

If you'd like to escape all the political madness with a trek up Mount Everest, be careful. A Welsh woman en route to base camp was gored by a yak when she got close to the beast while showing friends on FaceTime. The lesson: Don't get near beasts with sharp horns, especially if they're wearing MAGA hats.

Well Wilson, Easter is coming up and it's time to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. The guys in the band probably don't know this but Easter falls on the Sunday after the full moon following March 21. So maybe you and the guys can rustle up a tune in celebration of he who preached love and understanding. We could use some now:

[Judas:] Every time I look at you, I don't understand
Why you let the things you did get so out of hand
You'd have managed better if you'd had it planned
Why'd you choose such a backward time and such a strange land?
If you'd come today, you would have reached a whole nation
Israel in 4 BC had no mass communication
Don't you get me wrong - I only wanna know

[Choir:] Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ
Who are you? What have you sacrificed?
Jesus Christ, Superstar
Do you think you're what they say you are?

[Judas:] Tell me what you think about your friends at the top
Who'd you think, besides yourself, was the pick of the crop?
Buddha, was he where it's at? Is he where you are?
Could Mohamed move a mountain, or was that just PR?
Did you mean to die like that? Was that a mistake, or
Did you know your messy death would be a record-breaker?
Don't you get me wrong - I only wanna know

[Choir:] Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ
Who are you? What have you sacrificed?
Jesus Christ, Superstar
Do you think you're what they say you are?
“Jesus Christ Superstar”—Andrew Lloyd Webber

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