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Eight rejected community restrictions for Riverton’s new Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control-mandated State Liquor Store:

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8. To be constructed 500 feet underground and only accessible via secret tunnel from Draper.

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7. Attach a Subway and Great Clips on either side as to blend in.

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6. Require all bottles to be stocked only on top shelves; lower shelves to be filled with “Why You’re Going to Hell, Drunky” pamphlets.

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5. Store hours limited to between 7 and 7:25 p.m. Mondays; closed holidays and odd-numbered months.

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4. Alcohol may only be consumed on premises in special cocktail lounge/drunk tank.

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3. Levy extra tax on any product whose name doesn’t sound American: Jack Daniels, OK; Smirnoff, 10-percent markup; Jose Cuervo … deported!

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2. Free interventions with purchases of six or more items.

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1. Install drive-thru window so patrons can more quickly return to their shame-filled homes and beat their children.

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