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The Ocho 

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Eight new rules and revamps for I-15’s high-occupancy vehicle express lanes:

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8. Express lane instructional pamphlets will now be available in English, Spanish and coloring-book formats.

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7. Turn-signal guidelines will be upgraded from “Only if the spirit moves you” to “Go ahead, it won’t bite.”

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6. Single-occupant decals will increase in price from $50 to $100 to cover costs of the Utah Highway Patrol’s new babysitting service.

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5. Express lanes will be made open to drunk drivers on holiday weekends; proof of at least 0.08 blood-alcohol level required at breathalyzer checkpoints.

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4. Vehicles with “Orrin 2006” stickers automatically granted full express-lane access.

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3. Double white lines will be re-striped to eight in neon colors with flashing lights and steel spikes; dotted entrances/exits will include gesturing cartoon characters.

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2. On alternate Mondays, the express lane will be sponsored and designated as “The Red Bull Xtreme Road Rager.nn

1. “Heavenly Father” will no longer be recognized as a secondary passenger.

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