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Eight songs you’ll never hear The Metal Gods—celebrating 301 shows at Liquid Joe’s this week—perform, as told by singer Nigel Thames:
8. “Christine Sixteen,” Kiss: Because Gene’s spoken middle eight is really, really, really creepy.
7. “Midnite Maniac,” Krokus: Because people who get laid to Krokus ... shouldn’t.
6. “Open Letter to a Landlord,” Living Colour: Inner-city urban angst doesn’t quite resonate in Utah.
5. “Battery,” Metallica: Ratio of hookups to fistfights during Metallica songs? Zero to lots.
4. “Angry Again,” Megadeth: See No. 5 above.
3. “Armageddon It,” Def Leppard: A biblical term turned into a copulation cliché. Nice.
2. “When the Children Cry,” White Lion: I hate kids. Weeping children make me laugh hysterically, and I can’t sing while I’m giggling.
1. “Smoke on the Water,” Deep Purple: Because after the opening riff, who gives a shit?
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