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8. Super Dell Schanze for Governor: “Tanned, rested and not as batshit crazy as Merrill Cook.”
7. Merrill Cook for Congress: “Pale, squirrelly and not quite as annoying as Super Dell Schanze.”
6. Chris Buttars for Senate: “There’s no way left that I can embarrass Utah—get over it, ya homos.”
5. LaVar Christensen for state House: “Remember me? No? Good.”
4. Chris Cannon for U.S. House: “A Beto’s on every corner and a quesadilla in every microwave.”
3. Curtis Oda for state House: “You’ll pry my seat from my cold, dead hand.”
2. Jim Matheson for Congress: “A Democrat you can feel [insert adjective here] about.”
1. Jon Huntsman Jr. for Governor: “Come on—I’m still this good lookin’!”
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