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Eight fine-print stipulations in the proposed repeal of Utah’s “private club” law:
8. Bar patrons will be charged a 20-percent convenience tax for the trouble and money they’ve been saved.
7. The tax’s convenience tax paperwork is three pages long and comes with a special tear-off card that must be shown upon entry.
6. Liquor must be stored 12 feet from the floor; bottle meters to be replaced with childproof caps.
5. Advertising disclaimer “Private Club for Members” to be replaced with “See You in Hell.”
4. Alcohol may not be served on holidays, election days or school days.
3. Ratings for cocktails like “Sex on the Beach” and “Wet Pussy” will be upgraded from PG-13 to R.
2. Vodka may not be served as a shot. It’s just gay.
1. Four words: “Baptism for the Drunk.”
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