The Missionary Position 9.7.06 | News | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

The Missionary Position 9.7.06 

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Keith Moore
Novelist and poet
Served mission in eastern Canada, 1950-52

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How did the pre-mission interview go?
nI sat facing a General Authority renowned for his sexual grilling, the doughty C. LeGrand Liveright. After I’d confessed chastity, he said, “Elder, I’m required to ask you about your masturbate” (which I thought quaint language)'“Uh, how long has it been?” I lied, “Two months.” “It really should be four months, but I’ll approve your departure anyway if you’ll promise abstinence for two years.” I left wondering, “Does Liveright just double it for whatever an Elder answers?” I mean, he doubled the time for me without hesitation, so if a guy says, “Three years,” does Liveright reply, “It should be six years”? If somebody said, “Ten minutes,” would that narrow the act down to the men’s can just before the interview? And would the response be, “Well, it really should be 20 minutes, Elder”?

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