The Aristocrats! 

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The Aristocrats!
"Biff, schedule my Botox injection. The drive to the Hamptons is too much to bear." According to Insider, New Yorkers who battle weekend traffic to their Long Island enclaves are rushing to urologists for a cure for "Hamptons bladder": prostate artery embolization for men, which reduces the size of the prostate; and "bladder Botox," which decreases urinary frequency for women. "They come out to the Hamptons and have to stop four or five times on the way, but can't find a restroom," said Dr. David Shusterman, a Big Apple urologist. "When they're in a car with a bunch of people, they're embarrassed because they have to go to the bathroom every hour. I've lost three friends because I'm the driver and refuse to stop for them." One happy customer said he's "like a kid" after the procedure. "There's no dread now."

Bright Idea
During a flight from Detroit to Denver on June 25, an unidentified passenger was reprimanded by a flight attendant and other passengers after he AirDropped a sexually explicit photo of himself to all the other passengers, the New York Post reported. One passenger, @DaddyStrange333, posted a video to TikTok documenting the incident; in the video, the flight attendant asks the man, "Why are you doing that?" "Just having a little fun," he replies. His fun came to an abrupt end when the flight landed, and FBI agents escorted him off the plane. A Southwest Airlines spokesperson confirmed that the "unfortunate incident" occurred and that the airline "maintains zero tolerance for this obscene and unacceptable behavior."

Someone's Sleeping on the Couch
Colombian cyclist Luis Carlos Chia won a stage of the Vuelta a Colombia race on June 5 and threw his arms out wide to celebrate after crossing the finish line, Canadian Cycling reported. But he was immediately forced to grab the handlebars again in an attempt to avoid hitting a group of photographers—among whom was his wife, Claudia Roncancio. Chia struck his wife with his bike, knocking her to the ground, where she lay unconscious as medical staff attended to her. "I don't understand why she didn't get out of the way," Chia said after the accident. Roncancio needed four stitches and was kept under observation in a local hospital, but she is reportedly recovering.

News That Sounds Like a Joke
Feel like you forgot something? That must have been how tennis pro Ugo Humbert of France felt when he turned up at Number Two Court at Wimbledon on June 29 without a key piece of equipment for his match against Norway's Casper Ruud—his rackets. Reuters reported that Humbert, 24, had to tell the umpire, "I don't have any rackets—sorry for that." Fortunately for him, someone turned up with three rackets in just a few minutes, and after losing his first set, Humbert won the match.

Compelling Explanation
When Thanh Ha, 54, allegedly set fire to his boss's house in early May, he had a perfectly understandable reason: "Spirits" told him to do so, he told deputies. According to WFLA-TV, Ha was arrested on June 29 in Pinellas County, Florida, on second-degree arson charges. Authorities say surveillance cameras caught him riding a bike to his boss's new St. Petersburg home, securing his bike to a nearby stop sign and approaching the home on foot while trying to cover his face with his shirt. Five minutes later, he can be seen running back to his bike and riding away. Ha also told deputies he was not upset with his (presumably former) employer.

People With Issues
When fire erupted on June 26 at the Church of St. Basil the Great in Pargolovo, Russia, parishioners first assumed it was faulty wiring that had sparked the blaze, Oddity Central reported. Damage to the outside was considerable, and some thought it was a divine message that they should build a bigger, more beautiful church. As it turns out, however, neither of those explanations was valid. Instead, a 36-year-old local man who was tired of his wife donating all their money to the church allegedly splashed the walls of the church with gasoline and, checking to make sure no one was inside, lit the match. "He worked 24/7, they have four children and his wife works at the church. Everything he earned, she brought to temple," a Russian newspaper reported. "Because of this, they had a conflict." The man admitted his guilt but was allowed to await sentencing at home.

Cut the Cheese Pun
The Bridge Bakehouse in Derbyshire, England, received an anonymous letter from a "disgruntled member of the local community," the owners believe, about a sandwich that's been on the menu since last September: the Cheesus Christ. The sandwich, which features caramelized onion chutney, mature cheddar and mozzarella, sounds delicious. But the letter-writer, who claimed to be associated with the advocacy group Christian Concern, disapproved: "Our clients do not wish to take this further, but feel they will need to in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord and saviour if action is not taken." However, the Mirror reported, Christian Concern confirmed the letter did not come from them, and no other person or local church has admitted to writing it. On June 10, someone defaced the bakery's outdoor menu, covering the sandwich name with white paint. On its Facebook page, the bakery posted, "To whoever has tried to cover up the 'Cheesus Christ' sandwich on our outdoor menu board with white paint, can you please not? And if it wasn't done in the dead of night by someone dressed like The Mask of Zorro we are going to be highly disappointed."

The Tech Revolution
On the evening of June 28, at the intersection of Gough and Fulton streets in San Francisco, more than a half-dozen Cruise robotaxis stopped operating as they should and stalled, blocking the intersection for several hours, Tech Crunch reported. The Cruise vehicles were launched just the week before in the city, operating between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. "The first thing I say to my co-worker is that they're getting together to murder us," one online poster joked. "They even made it so the street sweeper couldn't hit an entire block." The errant cars were retrieved with the help of some humans.

Irony
Ah, the thrill of the open road, the miles rolling by under your boots, the wind blowing through your mullet ... or not. According to Newscenter1-TV, Rapid City (South Dakota) Regional Airport has announced a partnership with the world's largest motorcycle rental company to offer rental bikes for the upcoming Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in August. Now you can fly in, don your leathers and roar into Sturgis fresh as a daisy. "We believe this added amenity will be convenient for guests," said Patrick Dame, airport executive director.

Have It Your Way
The Concord Mall in Wilmington, Delaware, is getting its 15 minutes of fame after a vendor there discovered a hidden treasure locked behind a wall: a fully intact Burger King from 2009, Newsweek reported. Thomas Dahlke, general manager of the mall, uploaded a video tour of the restaurant, including finding a bag containing grossly well-preserved french fries. Current and former employees posted that the space has been used for storage and for running a hose through to water plants in the mall. One poster quipped: "In Europe they've been finding remnants, artifacts and towns of the Roman Empire. Here they find Burger Kings."

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