The 12 Days of Catmas 

Contrary to what obnoxious commercials tell you, the 12 Days of Christmas are not the days leading up to Dec. 25 when you can find deals, deals, DEALS! on coffee makers and video games. No, the 12 Days of Christmas start on Christmas Day and continue to the early-January holiday Epiphany ... all of which is to say that, yes, it does make sense that this issue is celebrating what we're calling the 12 Days of Catmas.

For this new holiday, we're putting the spotlight on six local cats currently living at Best Friends and the Humane Society who'd love to go home with someone for the holidays—and forever. Animal-rescue organizations are making great strides through adoption programs, spay/neuter clinics and no-kill initiatives to reduce the number of homeless pets in our state, but Utah's many shelters are still full of felines who want nothing more than kibble and a lap in return for a lifetime of love and lint-rolling.

If you can't find the cat that calls to you in these pages, know that there are plenty of felines ready to enrich the lives of everyone from playful kids to grumpy old cat men. Want proof? We've profiled a handful of our own beloved cat companions, all rescued from local shelters or the mean streets, who put smiles on the faces of even the most cynical journalists.

Merry Catmas,
City Weekly

 

Marketing/Events Coordinator
Nicole Enright

SIGN: Virgo
BIRTHPLACE: Murray
WORKED AT CW SINCE: 2014
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Traveling and exploring, dancing (even though I am terrible), Netflix
FAVORITE BOOKS: 1984, The Hunger Games
BEST CONCERT: Green Day
FAVORITE SONG TO SING: "King of New York"
FAVORITE HANGOUT: Junior's Tavern
HOW I MET MY CAT: I met Shoes at the Best Friends Super Pet Adoption last year. I had no intention of having any pets, ever, but my friend was working there, and I went to visit him. When I first spotted Shoes, she was climbing up her cage like SpiderCat. I just couldn't forget her; it was love at first sight. My husband, Matt, and I went back the next day to see her. She was still there, climbing up that cage, going wild. So we adopted her. One day we went to buy Shoes some things at Petsmart. CAWS was there doing adoptions. I turned around, and Matt was holding this tiny ragamuffin kitten: fur sticking every which way, the biggest nose I had ever seen on a cat. His mouth didn't quite close because he has a huge overbite. I knew we were taking him home.
FAVORITE WAY TO SPEND A SUNDAY: Drinking, napping, chillin' with my cats
FAVORITE PLACE TO GO ON VACATION: San Francisco

Shoes
AGE: 1
GENDER: Female
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Chasing and bathing Chandler
FAVORITE FOODS: Ice cream, treats
PEOPLE I ADMIRE: Matt
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Sleeping all day, hiding from the vacuum monster
FAVORITE HANGOUT: In front of the window or on top of the tower
GUILTY PLEASURES: Zip ties, ice cubes
AMBITIONS: To catch those bees I watch through the window all day
SPORTS PLAYED: Catch the mouse, pounce Chandler
WORST PICK-UP LINE I'VE EVER HEARD: Here, kitty kitty
SIGNALS I GIVE A HUMAN WHEN I WANT HIM/HER TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE: Long stares

Chandler
AGE: 9 months
GENDER: Chandler!
TURN-ONS: Chandler!
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Chandler!
AMBITIONS: Chandler
PEOPLE I ADMIRE: Chandler?
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Chandler
FAVORITE SONG TO SING: Chandler!
BEST PICK-UP LINE I'VE EVER HEARD: Chandler!

---

ADOPT ME Senior Account Director
Jennifer Van Grevenhof
SIGN: Taurus
BIRTHPLACE: Texas
WORKED AT CW SINCE: 2000
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: River rafting, skiing, camping, hiking
FAVORITE TV SHOWS: Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations, Game of Thrones
FOODS I CRAVE: Sandwiches, sushi at Takashi, pad gra prow, pizza, broccoli
FAVORITE SONG TO SING: "Let It Go" from Frozen with my daughter
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Hostess at a brewpub, sales at a natural-foods company
FAVORITE HANGOUT: Playing dress-up with my daughter in her bedroom
FAVORITE WAY TO SPEND A SUNDAY: Camping
FAVORITE PLACE TO GO ON VACATION: The beach

Hiccup
AGE: 7
GENDER: Male.
CURRENT RESIDENCE: Humane Society of Utah
TURN-ONS: Beatnik poetry, fine cheese, string toys, Miles Davis
TURN-OFFS: Loud noises, people unexpectedly coming around corners
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Hanging out with other cats and even occasionally some dogs
PEOPLE I ADMIRE: Anyone who brushes me
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Political activist
GUILTY PLEASURES: Dancing to "Cat Scratch Fever"
AMBITIONS: To be adopted by someone who will pet me all the time
SIGNALS I GIVE A HUMAN WHEN I WANT HIM/HER TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE: Play hard to get
IF I COULD GO ANYWHERE, I WOULD GO: Into my forever home, and straight onto a lap, forever

Copy Editor
Sarah Arnoff
SIGN: Aquarius
BIRTHPLACE: Lindon
WORKED AT CW SINCE: 2013
TURN-ONS: Fuzzy blankets and/or slippers
TURN-OFFS: Talkative passengers on public transportation, static electricity
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Wandering aimlessly around Costco, napping
FOODS I CRAVE: Anything with avocados
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Slave to the written word
FAVORITE HANGOUT: Late-night diners, libraries
FAVORITE WAY TO SPEND A SUNDAY: Movie/TV marathons, baking experimental treats, maybe going outside
FAVORITE PLACE TO GO ON VACATION: Anywhere I've never been before

ADOPT ME

Sox
AGE: 4
GENDER: Female
CURRENT RESIDENCE: Humane Society of Utah
TURN-ONS: Air toys, visitors
TURN-OFFS: Matted fur, moisture
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Being affectionate
SECRET DREAM: Being able to open doors
FOODS I CRAVE: Various minced meats
PEOPLE I ADMIRE: Socks Clinton
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Small-game hunter, physicist
FAVORITE HANGOUT: Any type of windowed area
GUILTY PLEASURES: Catnip, rubber bands
AMBITIONS: Find a position where I can be a full-time couch potato
SIGNALS I GIVE A HUMAN WHEN I WANT HIM/HER TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE: Sitting precisely 2 inches out of reach
FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN MY HUMANS ARE AWAY: If I had humans, I'd tell you
IF I COULD GO ANYWHERE, I WOULD GO: Home

---

ADOPT ME

Marketing & Events Manager
Jacklyn Briggs
SIGN: Libra
BIRTHPLACE: San Jose, Calif.
WORKED AT CW SINCE: 2005
TURN-ONS: Haterz
TURN-OFFS: Tans
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Reading (other people's journals)
FAVORITE TV SHOWS: Every single show
FAVORITE SONG TO SING: "Highway to the Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins
PEOPLE I ADMIRE: Anyone who does what they want
GUILTY PLEASURES: Fire Cheetos, Doritos, burritos—all "os"-ending foods
SECRET DREAM: Becoming Gordon Ramsay's best friend
FAVORITE WAY TO SPEND A SUNDAY: Brunching and napping

Jackie
AGE: 2
GENDER: Female
CURRENT RESIDENCE: Best Friends Pet Adoption Center
TURN-ONS: String with bells
FOOD I CRAVE: The wet kind
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Always been a model, obviously
FAVORITE THING TO SPEND A SUNDAY: Ideally? A morning couch-claw session followed by swatting the dog until I fall asleep
IF I COULD GO ANYWHERE, I WOULD GO: The backyard tree—all the way to the top this time

---

Editor
Rachel Piper
SIGN: Aquarius
BIRTHPLACE: Layton
WORKED AT CW SINCE: 2010
TURN-ONS: Sunny days; fresh air; bookstores; clean, spacious rooms that I didn't have to clean
TURN-OFFS: The sound of metal scraping metal, people who tunelessly mumble-sing to themselves, canned green beans
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Reading, knitting, cuddling with Sophie (best cat in the world), running, sleeping, eating sunflower seeds.
FAVORITE BOOKS: East of Eden, most everything by Agatha Christie.
FAVORITE TV SHOWS: Battlestar Galactica, Outlander, Downton Abbey.
SPORTS PLAYED: Tennis
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Coming up with stories that result in me modeling.
SECRET DREAM: To collaborate with 2 Chainz
FAVORITE PLACE TO GO ON VACATION: Anyplace with a beach and free-flowing margaritas

ADOPT ME

Cupcake
AGE: 4
GENDER: Female
CURRENT RESIDENCE: Humane Society of Utah
TURN-ONS: Having my chin and ears scratched
TURN-OFFS: Dogs and small, sticky humans
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Chatting with humans—I'm very talkative and have a lot of opinions to share
HIDDEN TALENT: Cozying up to people in white sweaters without shedding all over them
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: I was born a model—you maybe remember me from my television appearances with the Humane Society of Utah, where I've modeled many cat-sized fashions.
FAVORITE HANGOUT: Anyplace higher than the tallest human in the room
AMBITIONS: To spend my days discussing philosophy and world events with mature humans—no other cats. They just don't have interesting things to say.
FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN MY HUMANS ARE AWAY: I don't have any permanent humans right now. I spend my day playing with my own scratching post, and watching Cat TV (my favorites are the bird episodes).
IF I COULD GO ANYWHERE, I WOULD GO: Into a home and straight onto a lap

---

Assistant Production Manager
Derek Carlisle
SIGN: Virgo
BIRTHPLACE: Georgia
WORKED AT CW SINCE: 2007
TURN-OFFS: People who don't agree with me
AMBITIONS: Learn how to still a good shine and make homemade wine
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Workin' on the house, painting and getting up in the mountains
FAVORITE BOOKS: Vonnegut and Palahniuk
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Serving, lumberjacking, painting mysterious women
SEXIEST CITY IN THE WORLD: Hot-LANTA, Ga.
HOW I MET MY CAT: It was a gloomy Saturday morning, and as the taste of whiskey slowly lifted itself from my tongue, a thought limped into my mind: Maybe a cat could make these unbearable mornings a bit easier. I'd have something to hold while I pleaded with the good Lord to ease my pain, and someone to provide the sweet smell of chalky litter breath while licking the skin off the tip of my nose. Where could I get such an amazing critter with which to share my domicile? The Humane Society of Utah is where I ended up. There were sleepers, whiners, scratchers & fighters, but just one li'l meow who could give a rat's ass whether I gave her attention or not. The name plate was labeled "Skitz," but she clearly was my Goat. She no longer can be called li'l, nor is she that distant cat who caught my eye, but I haven't had an unbearable morning since.

Goat
AGE: A true lady never tells her age
GENDER: Female
TURN-ONS: A nail driven three-fourths of the way into the wall just out of reach of my highest jump
TURN-OFFS: The fat pug that guards downstairs and makes annoying sounds all day
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Power-napping while dreaming of ways to end said pug's life
FOODS I CRAVE: Fancy Feast liver & crab. Gawd, it smells like heaven.
PEOPLE I ADMIRE: My dad
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Diva
FAVORITE SONG TO SING: The theme song to Meow Mix
GUILTY PLEASURES: Rubbing anything that has a corner with my mouth and biting into it if it allows
AMBITIONS: I'd like to be able to spell more letters than just my typical I, i, j, l and L with hairball material.
BEST CONCERT: It's gotta be the cover band that lives with me—they book gigs in the living room, and their playlist includes alt-J and White Buffalo.
FAVORITE BOOK: East of Eden—that CAThy Ames is kind of a role model
FAVORITE TV SHOW: I don't own a TV—yeah, I'm that kinda intellect.
SEXIEST CITY IN THE WORLD: Kuwait—are you kidding me, anything around the Purrsian Gulf
WORST PICK-UP LINE I'VE EVER HEARD: Not really a line, but I hate it when people try to pick me up by the back of my neck and treat me like I'm their baby.
BEST PICK-UP LINE I'VE EVER HEARD: Well, the craziest was this Scottish Fold that wanted me to throw litter all over him and treat him like a toilet—strange li'l big-eyed freak. I did it, but charged accordingly.
SIGNALS I GIVE A HUMAN WHEN I WANT HIM/HER TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE: I usually stare at a corner toward the ceiling until they get so freaked out they hold me for comfort.

Art Director/Production Manager
Susan Kruithof
SIGN: Taurus
BIRTHPLACE: Bloomington, Ind.
WORKED AT CW SINCE: 2000
TURN-ONS: Midwestern boys
TURN-OFFS: Know-it-alls
FAVORITE MOVIES: The Last Picture Show, Dead Man Walking, Brazil
FAVORITE BOOKS: Middlesex, East of Eden, Gone Girl
FOODS I CRAVE: Saag aloo, salmon gukan maki, split-pea soup
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: I was a saute cook for about a year in Bloomington, Ind., as a part-time job. My full-time gig then was selling advertising, not designing it as I do now.
FAVORITE HANGOUT: Brewvies. Love the vibe; they have amazing employees. It's just like being Norm from Cheers. Everyone knows my name, and I know theirs. I seldom watch a movie, but love to hang on the patio.

Clyde
AGE: 3
Gender: 100 percent male
TURN-ONS: Wrapping myself around my human's neck, killing critters in the backyard
TURN-OFFS: Catnip. I'm just naturally high.
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Brawling with neighborhood cats, peeing where I'm not supposed to
SECRET DREAM: Hanging with Bill and Ted and having a most excellent adventure
FOODS I CRAVE: Chicken: roasted, baked, salad, stir-fried ...
PEOPLE I ADMIRE: Rocky Balboa and Michael Corleone
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: I use to fight in the Ultimate Fighting Cat Ring in Murray, but it was messing up my face too much. A couple of scars is ruggedly handsome, but a missing eye would put me out of the modeling business.
FAVORITE HANGOUT: Top of the living-room couch
GUILTY PLEASURES: I really love eating Wheaties. I know, I know—no meat, but damn, those Wheaties are delicious.
AMBITIONS: I'd like to be a stunt cat in movies.
FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN MY HUMANS ARE AWAY: Pee in the stove well

Wicket
AGE: 6
Gender: Female.
TURN-ONS: Having my fur detangled with the yellow wire brush of love
TURN-OFFS: Stinky teenage boys
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Primping
SECRET DREAM: Run away to go live with a super-rich owner where I get to eat gourmet cat food and get brushed by my own personal groomer
FOODS I CRAVE: A nice spiral ham
PEOPLE I ADMIRE: Princess Diana, Nicki Minaj, Sleeping Beauty
FAVORITE HANGOUT: In front of the kitchen heater vent
GUILTY PLEASURES: Rattling the cat food bag, whether or not there is food in my bowl
AMBITIONS: I'd like to go live in Cinderella's Castle at Disney World
FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN MY HUMANS ARE AWAY: Scooch my food bowl into the middle of the kitchen floor, then dump out crumbs from said food bowl

---

Account Executive
Pete Saltas
SIGN: Leo
BIRTHPLACE: Salt Lake City
WORKED AT CW SINCE: 2007-2014 (pursuing a full-time modeling gig in 2015)
TURN-ONS: Back rubs—any day, any time
TURN-OFFS: Dirty feet. Keep your shoes on, and frequently change your socks!
FAVORITE MOVIES: I hate horror movies. Will watch just about any good comedy. This Is the End is the funniest movie I've seen since Wedding Crashers.
FAVORITE TV SHOWS: I'll turn the TV on next year when Game of Thrones starts up again. Spoiler alert: I've read the books and will look down upon you if you ask me a Game of Thrones question and have not read A Song of Ice & Fire.
BEST CONCERT: Too many good concerts to name just one. Top two would have to be Paul McCartney in San Diego with my mama and Santana at Red Butte with my brother—both this year.
FAVORITE SONG TO SING: Anything from Les Miserables. (Btw, people, give Russell Crowe a break!)
PEOPLE I ADMIRE: Not a finite list, but my parents and siblings top my list of admirable people.

ADOPT ME

Lilly
AGE: 2 or 3 (age is just a number anyway!)
GENDER: Female
CURRENT RESIDENCE: Best Friends Pet Adoption Center
TURN-ONS: My people friends! (except Pete Saltas)
TURN-OFFS: Pete Saltas
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Kicking around a ball of yarn with the other cool cats at Best Friends
PEOPLE I ADMIRE: The cats in the "Hang in There" photos
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: I was the stunt double in Mouse Hunt; worked a weekend for Jimmy John's bike delivery downtown; this summer I was on the cleanup crew for the Twilight Concert Series
AMBITIONS: To have a human friend take me home!
WORST PICK-UP LINE I'VE EVER HEARD: "What makes you purr?" —Pete Saltas
BEST PICK-UP LINE I'VE EVER HEARD: "What makes you purr?" —Channing Tatum (Tate-YUM!)
SIGNALS I GIVE A HUMAN WHEN I WANT HIM/HER TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE: I call it the Puss in Boots move ... eyes wide open while clutching my hat! Gets 'em every time!
IF I COULD GO ANYWHERE, I WOULD GO: To Jon Arbuckle's house to eat lasagna with Garfield!

---

Blogger
Colin Wolf
SIGN: Aries
BIRTHPLACE: Muskegon, Mich.
WORKED AT CW SINCE: 2011
TURN-ONS: Internet arguments, "boobs" spelled out on a calculator
TURN-OFFS: The war on Christmas, or people who sniff wine and say "oakey"
AMBITIONS: Invent a stupid word like "bae" and then retire as a lazy playboy
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Saying "sorry" and never meaning it
FAVORITE MOVIES: Pacific Rim
FAVORITE BOOKS: No, just movies ... specifically Pacific Rim
FAVORITE FOODS: Ordering a fresh pizza from the Dominos app
BEST CONCERT: Chief Keef
FAVORITE SONG TO SING: "Power of Love" by Huey Lewis & the News
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Online poker player
SECRET DREAM: To someday meet a pretty lady and share a Facebook account
SEXIEST CITY IN THE WORLD: Probably a toss up between Key Largo, Contigo and Kokomo ... that's where I want to go
FAVORITE WAY TO SPEND A SUNDAY: Poppin' wheelies into your heart

ADOPT ME

Ben
AGE: 4
GENDER: Male
CURRENT RESIDENCE: Best Friends Pet Adoption Center
TURN-ONS: Meaty snacks, licking my butt
TURN-OFFS: People who judge my lazy lifestyle
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Naps
SECRET DREAM: I once dreamt of the perfect sausage only to find out at the end of the dream that the perfect sausage was ... me.
FAVORITE FOODS: An above-ground pool filled with Fancy Feast
PEOPLE I ADMIRE: Guy Fieri
WORST PICK-UP LINE I'VE EVER HEARD: Let me get a sitter for my litter.
BEST PICK-UP LINE I'VE EVER HEARD: I'm spayed.
FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN MY HUMANS ARE AWAY: Lie in the sun and pretend I'm a sausage with arms
IF I COULD GO ANYWHERE, I WOULD GO: To Applebee's ... with anybody, really

---

Music Editor
Kolbie Stonehocker
SIGN: Taurus
BIRTHPLACE: Spokane, Wash.
WORKED AT CW SINCE: 2011
Turn-ons: Small, warm spaces; when plans get canceled and I get to stay home; soft, fuzzy things
Turn-offs: Sticky hands, hard-boiled eggs, dishes clanging together
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Netflix, biking, playing video games, thrift-store shopping
FAVORITE MOVIES: My Neighbor Totoro, Napoleon Dynamite, Fantasia, Edward Scissorhands
FAVORITE BOOKS: The Harry Potter series, The Lord of the Rings series
FAVORITE TV SHOWS: Parks & Recreation, The Office, Breaking Bad, Downton Abbey, Supernatural
FAVORITE FOODS: Grilled-cheese sandwich & tomato soup, Pie Hole pizza, hash browns, sushi
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Receptionist, pizza-delivery person, City Weekly copy editor
FAVORITE HANGOUT: Couch
SECRET DREAM: To be a librarian, have a sanctuary for stray cats, and spend a day at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter when it's closed to everyone except me
HOW I MET MY CAT: One night, a couple of my brothers told me there was a kitten hiding under my car. She looked like she'd been abandoned: leaves and twigs were stuck in her matted fur, and she was meowing piteously. I lured her out from under the car with some tuna fish, petted her, and gave her some food and water. The next morning, she was waiting at the back door for me, and we've been best friends ever since.
FAVORITE WAY TO SPEND A SUNDAY: Getting day drunk, napping on the couch and playing World of Warcraft

Tabitha (aka Tabby)
AGE: About 4
Gender: Female.
TURN-ONS: Sniffing car tires, getting brushed, hearing my humans pull the milk out of the fridge
TURN-OFFS: Human singing
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Playing in paper bags and tissue paper, clawing my scratching post, staring out the window, sniffing stuff outside, napping on the couch, climbing into boxes in the closet
SECRET DREAM: Being able to communicate to humans about ghosts in apartment, killing the string once and for all
FAVORITE FOODS: Toast with jam, waffles, cheese crackers, chicken, tuna fish, yogurt, ice cream, treats
PEOPLE I ADMIRE: Conservationist John James Audubon, for his prolific bird slaughtering.
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Couch scratcher, bug hunter
FAVORITE HANGOUT: The top of the cat tree, couch, end of humans' bed, the shower after the humans use it
GUILTY PLEASURES: Shredding paper, clawing the couch, drinking water out of human glasses, getting in the garbage
AMBITIONS: Sniff all the things, kill that goddamn string
FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN MY HUMANS ARE AWAY: Walk around on the kitchen counters
IF I COULD GO ANYWHERE, I WOULD GO: Outside

---

Staff writer
Colby Frazier
SIGN: Aries
BIRTHPLACE: Spanish Fork
WORKED AT CW SINCE: 2013
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Being around my family, bullshitting loudly, floating down a river
FAVORITE TV SHOWS: The Wire
BEST CONCERT: Every time, no exceptions, Built to Spill
SPORTS PLAYED: I run.
PEOPLE I ADMIRE: The happy and the rough
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Brewer, newspaperman, pizza-delivery boy
FAVORITE HANGOUT: My shredded chair
HOW I MET MY CAT: I met her at my house, a little while after my wife, Sarah, and daughter, June, brought her home from the shelter.
FAVORITE WAY TO SPEND A SUNDAY: Reading The New York Times—the version that leaves ink all over my fingers
FAVORITE PLACE TO GO ON VACATION: I don't like leaving Utah.

Spark
AGE: 1
GENDER: All woman
TURN-ONS: Belly rubs
TURN-OFFS: Standard cat food
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Sleeping, scratching, eating food off the kitchen table
SECRET DREAM: To be a human chef
FAVORITE FOODS: Cold cereal, expensive cheese and meat—all sorts of meat
PEOPLE I ADMIRE: June and Sarah
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Was on my way to becoming one helluva alley cat
FAVORITE HANGOUT: Top of the stereo
GUILTY PLEASURES: Scratching the hell out of the furniture—not that cool scratching-post tower that was built for me
AMBITIONS: To eat everything in the house, and then destroy all of the chairs
SIGNALS I GIVE A HUMAN WHEN I WANT HIM/HER TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE: As a human strides across the living room, I collapse onto my back right in front of them
FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN MY HUMANS ARE AWAY: Sit in the window and fantasize about killing all the world's birds
IF I COULD GO ANYWHERE, I WOULD GO: Into a gallon of milk