click to enlarge
8. Shooting your gun at the
eclipse won’t stop it, but it’s your
damned right as an American to
do it! #MakeEclipseGreatAgain
7. The solar eclipse will not
affect your astrological sign, as
astrology is still bullshit.
6. During the eclipse, the solar
panels you eco-freaks installed will
fail and you’ll die instantly, just as
Rocky Mountain Power warned.
5. The government recommends
observing the solar eclipse through
chemtrails. Don’t ask why.
4. The “protective” glasses you
bought at Ed’s Eclipse Shades &
Fireworks stand aren’t certified.
3. If your Spotify “Solar
Eclipse” playlist includes Bonnie
Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart”
but not Iron Maiden’s “Total
Eclipse,” you’re doing it wrong.
2. The eclipse is no more a
danger to pregnant women than
simply existing in modern ’Merica.
1. The solar eclipse is not God’s
wrath against the gays—your
bishop will let you know when
that’s coming.