Staffbox | Can I get a witness? | Staff Box | Salt Lake City Weekly

Staffbox | Can I get a witness? 

Pin It

If you ever needed a character witness, whom would you choose?

Scott Renshaw: The question presumes I have a character that I’d want to have witnessed.

Cesar Guzman: I would choose my drug dealer Catalina as my character witness.

Derek Carlisle: Robert Goulet. He didn’t know anything about me, but his voice would have had a fine delivery.

Jeff Reese: I would pick Mr. T, because “I pity the foo” that doesn’t believe what he says about me...

Holly Mullen: I’d choose John Saltas. He’d take a bullet for me. Right? Right?!

Nick Clark: Sen. John McCain, of course! He would make all of my shortcomings disappear and shift the focus of the court to my nice ass.

Eric S. Peterson: I think if I were innocent of the crime, I’d probably have my mother as a character witness. But not if I were guilty, because she can’t lie worth shit. If I were guilty, I’ve probably got a few friends who’d lie for me in exchange for a sandwich or candy or something.

Monica Sorensen: My third-grade teacher, because she is probably the last person left with a mental picture of me being innocent. That, or my equally unethical lying boyfriend.

Matt Engle: Someone who knows me really well—and who’s comfortable with lying.

Derek Jones: Let’s see, I think I’d make an excuse to throw a huge party and invite everyone I’ve ever met in life. I’d then make them write down their favorite thing about me and put their reply in a giant hat. Then I’d read them aloud and choose my favorite. Imagine what a self-esteem boost that party would be.

Bill Frost: Harvey Birdman, attorney at law. He’ll take the case!

Bryan Bale: Anyone but Dubya. If he ever said I was doing a “heck of a job,” I’d be screwed.

Chelsie Booker: If I were to ever need a character witness, I would call upon the fancy Mr. Christopher Westergard. He knows me most—the good parts and bad and still thinks I’m a sensible gal! Plus, I have great confidence in his ability to construct some incredible fibs in order to get this little one out of trouble.

Pin It

More by City Weekly Staff


    Mike Birbiglia, The Sandlot 30th anniversary,
    • Mar 15, 2023
  • MUSIC PICKS: MAR 16 - 22

    Sober Show @ Kilby Court 3/17, Weyes Blood @ The Depot 3/18, Big Joanie @ Kilby Court 3/20, and more.
    • Mar 15, 2023
  • MUSIC PICKS: MAR 9 - 15

    Punk Isn't Dead @ Boardwalk Sound 3/10, King Tuff @ Urban Lounge 3/10-Mark, Show Me the Body @ Soundwell 3/11-Sophie, and more.
    • Mar 8, 2023
  • More »

Latest in Staff Box

© 2023 Salt Lake City Weekly

Website powered by Foundation