St. George Drag Shows—Another Fine Mess | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly

St. George Drag Shows—Another Fine Mess 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Seems like you can't swing a dead cat these days without hitting a man in fishnet stockings, a bustier and a 5 o'clock shadow. The staff here at Smart Bomb got into another fine mess in Washington County last week, when we related the agony and vitriol of folks after two drag shows that played in their staid community.

Leeds Mayor Bill Hoster is not exactly tickled pink (it's not really his color) with Smart Bomb and the electronic editions of Salt Lake City Weekly where it appears. He didn't say drag shows are "trouble with a capital T" nor did he say that drag shows "warp our children's minds." And he insists that he wasn't criticizing LGBTQ students at Utah Tech University who put on a drag show.

Here is what he did say, according to The Salt Lake Tribune: "So if anyone doesn't believe that the parading men dressed as women ... wear[ing] fishnet stockings and spandex, grinding themselves on stage and parading themselves in front of children isn't going to have an impact, those prior examples I just gave (human trafficking, sex assaults, pornography, addiction and pedophilia) should give you a conviction."

That speaks for itself, Wilson. So if you go to St. George (or Leeds), cover up the fishnet stockings and don't say, "trouble with a capital T."

Breaking Up Before Christmas—Silver Linings
Listen Wilson, this is serious. More couples break up in the Beehive State right before the Christmas holidays than most other places, according to statistics analyzed by HerNorm, a website that "gives women actionable relationship and dating advice." The staff here at Smart Bomb isn't sure why Utahns split then, but our astrologer Madam Venus Nebula points out that there are silver linings to pre-holiday estrangement.

For starters, you don't have to visit your spouse's family and wish them a merry Christmas. And, let's face it, you could save a lot of cash on pricey gifts you no longer must buy.

Not only that, but you won't have to throw the tree out after New Year's. That alone might be worth a trial separation.

Of course, the holidays come when the days are short and cold and some drink too much eggnog. According to HerNorm, there are warning signs that things are slipping away, such as, "If it's like pulling teeth getting him/her to spend time with you." Duh.

Another catalyst for calling it quits comes when fundamental beliefs and values drift in opposite directions, like when your spouse comes home wearing camouflage and a red MAGA hat. Counseling or not, some things just can't be overcome.

Reawakening American Truthiness
Who doesn't love an old-time religious revival full of fire and brimstone, piss and vinegar and red-blooded white nationalism. The ReAwaken America Tour is the best thing since 40,000 Klansmen in full regalia marched down Pennsylvania Avenue at high noon on Aug. 8, 1925. A sight to behold—white Christians showing America what conical hats can do for men's fashion.

These days the traveling carnival—er uh, ReAwaken America Tour—criss-crosses the country featuring conspiracy theorists, election deniers and right-wing superstars like Michael Flynn, who spout religious, political truthiness like a bidet. And if they make some bucks in the process ... well, it is the Lord's work, after all.

Angry MAGAites and QAnoners need red meat to sustain them in spiritual warfare against Jesus-hating liberals, Black Lives Matter rioters and LGBTQers who want to ruin America and country music. And folks can snag deals on all kinds of stuff, like MAGA wear, patriotic nutrition supplements and author-autographed books, including the Bible. Let's take our country back, and that'll be $67.95—cash or card?

"Christianity is under attack," Flynn warned. "The destiny of America is at stake." Boy, you can say that again.

Postscript—Well guys, that'll just about do it for another rousing week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of drag shows in St. George so you don't have to. Speaking of which, did you know that one of Brigham Young's sons was a well-known drag queen? No lie.

Brigham Morris Young—a.k.a Happy—took the stage name Madame Patterini and performed around Utah. Wonder what Leeds Mayor Bill Hoster thinks about that?

Happy even performed in drag for LDS President Lorenzo Snow in April 1901. And in 1886, he played a "fine Irish girl" named Bridget McCarthy at a Christmas ball at the Salt Lake City Theatre. No Wilson, we're not making this up.

Fast-forward 130 years and drag shows are more controversial than ever. Here are some headlines from around the country: "Idaho drag performers mobilize as right-wing forces target their shows;" "Texas lawmaker pushing bill to ban kids from drag shows;" "Threats and intimidation at drag shows in Tennessee could increase hate crimes."

All this despite the First Amendment that protects drag shows as free speech. Seems like right-wingers are for the Constitution ... until they aren't. Take our country back—from drag queens! Right.

OK Wilson, we've got to do something to cheer up Leeds Mayor Bill Hoster and the other folks in St. George who aren't happy that Satan and drag shows have materialized in their beautiful and sedate corner of the world. That form of "entertainment" is nothing but trouble, trouble, trouble. So tell the band to take our heels off and get us outta here:

Trouble, oh we got trouble,
Right here in River City!
With a capital "T"
That rhymes with "D"
And that stands for Drag,

We've surely got trouble!
Right here in River City,
Right here!
Gotta figger out a way
To keep the young ones moral after school!

Ya got trouble,
With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "P"
And that stands for Pool.

Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock and the Golden Rule!
Oh, we've got trouble.
We're in terrible, terrible trouble.
Those shows with harry men in drag are a devil's tool!
Oh yes we got trouble, trouble, trouble!
With a "T"! Gotta rhyme it with "D"!
And that stands for Drag!!!
"Ya Got Trrouble"—Meredith Wilson, from the play The Music Man, modified by the Smart Bomb Band

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