Righteous indignation, one scoop or two? 

Alright, that does it. Utah Senator-for-life Mike Lee will never, ever eat Ben & Jerry's ice cream again. It's unpatriotic and totally sucks.

That's what Lee said after Ben & Jerry tweeted on the Fourth of July: “The U.S. was founded on stolen Indigenous land. This year, let’s commit to returning it.” The pair called on readers to support the “Land Back movement” to restore once Native American land to its original owners.

Well then, that does it. Goodbye Chunky Monkey, Karamel Sutra and Cherry Garcia. They will never cross the lips of Mike “I've-Got-An-Ice-Cream-Jones” Lee. He even called Ben and Jerry “smug and lippy.” What do they want? Lee demanded. “Expungement of property rights? OMG! Repatriation of most Americans to Europe?”

WTF! Ben & Jerry want the movement to start with Mount Rushmore, the Lakota Sioux’s holy mountain Tunkasila Sakpe before the faces of U.S. presidents were carved on it. The Black Hills were among 3.5 million acres set aside as a permanent home for the Lakota, but those treaties were broken when gold prospectors and settlers flooded in.

That matters little to Lee, the great patriot and ice cream connoisseur who, The Washington Post said, “worked furiously to overturn the 2020 election.” Righteous indignation and hypocrisy—would that be one scoop or two?

End Days and “Bat Friendly” Tequila
No Wilson, this is not some Hunter Thompson-esque ditty about a strange trip to a Donald Trump rally—although it could be. This is important news: The lesser long nose bat, aka Leptonycteris yerbabuenae, is the only pollinator of agave cactus, which bears the fruit that is used to make tequila. So it's important that when folks go to the liquor store, they buy only tequila that carries the “Bat Friendly” label.

No lesser long nose bats, no tequila. And no Wilson, the worm—which is actually the agave snout weevil—is not part of the distillation process, but is added as a natural preservative that may boost the effects of alcohol.

That brings us back to End Days and Trump's 14 promises when elected president. Here are the highlights: bomb drug cartels; put parents in charge of schools; stop the chemical castration and sexual mutilation of our youth; develop vertical-takeoff-and-landing vehicles for families; ban the use of taxpayer dollars to label speech as mis- or dis-information; end Biden's tax hikes and inflation; fire the unelected bureaucrats who have weaponized the justice system.

And that brings us 'round to tequila again, because if Trump returns to power we're going to need a lot of it. The way things are looking, we're going to need a lot of it either way.

Racism Isn’t All That Bad, Except When It’s Anti-White People
As everyone knows, white people are the real victims of racism—it makes white kids feel bad. Just imagine, you're a white kid in public school and the teacher starts in on slavery and Jim Crow and the Ku Klux Klan.

Total bummer. How are they supposed to enjoy Hacky Sack after that? Teaching school kids about racism is perfectly fine, said Republican Ryan Walters, the Oklahoma school superintendent, as long as no one is “made to feel bad.” Problem solved.

According to researchers at UCLA and UC San Diego, some 17.7 million public school students had their learning restricted on race, racism and gender during the 2020-2021 academic year. Totally chill. We can't have teachers turning our kids into Marxists who think everyone is equal.

Thirty-six state legislatures, including Utah, sought to ban teaching of critical race theory (how inequality and systemic racism impact American society). That stuff, whatever it is, could make white people feel bad, according to conservative lawmakers. And if you're worried about that “white privilege” B.S., just look at affirmative action.

Meanwhile, Democrats harp on healthcare, wealth inequality and global warming in a naked attempt to change the subject. But don't forget the GOP is the Party of Lincoln and the party of Clarence Thomas. 'Nuff said.

Postscript—
That's a wrap for another sizzling week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of the heat so you don't have to. Mother Earth is hotter than she's been for 125,000 years. But don't tell that to conservative Republicans or MAGAtts, you'll get death threats.

But it's not just the crazies. Red States, including Utah, are refusing to invest taxpayer dollars in green energy or entities that conclude global warming is brought on by burning fossil fuels. Great—cutting off our environmental nose to spite our global face. Many on the right don't believe in climate change, said Penn State's Michael Mann, because wealthy fossil fuel interests—and the Koch brothers in particular—“have spent tens if not hundreds of millions of dollars poisoning our public discourse over climate change… .”

But there is this: More home runs are hit when it's hot. For every 1 degree Celsius (1.8 degrees Fahrenheit) increase in temperature, the number of home runs in a game increases by 1.96%, according to a study published in the Bulletin of the American Meteorological Society. The study found that more than 500 home runs since 2010 can be linked to climate warming. Proof positive that whether Mike Lee boycotts Ben & Jerry's or not, we're all going to have to eat ice cream a lot faster.

Hey Wilson, have you ever tried to eat an ice cream cone at 95 degrees? You gotta be real quick with the lick—so quick, in fact, that you could get one of those ice-cream headaches. That's when you freeze the superficial ophthalmic branch of the Trigeminal Nerve.

Look it up, well, never mind. Tell the band to put down the Cherry Garcia and take us out of the hot city:

Hot town, summer in the city
Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty
Been down, isn't it a pity?
Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city

All around, people looking half dead
Walking on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head

But at night it's a different world
Go out and find a girl
Come on, come on and dance all night
Despite the heat it'll be all right

And babe, don't you know it's a pity
That the days can't be like the nights
In the summer, in the city
In the summer, in the city

Cool town, evening in the city
Dressing so fine and looking so pretty
Cool cat, looking for a kitty
Gonna look in every corner of the city

Till I'm wheezing like a bus stop
Running up the stairs, gonna meet you on the rooftop

At night it's a different world
Go out and find a girl
Come on, come on and dance all night
Despite the heat it'll be all right

And babe, don't you know it's a pity
That the days can't be like the nights
In the summer, in the city
In the summer, in the city
“Summer In The City”—Lovin' Spoonful