Piss Off 

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On Friday, I returned home after the annual City Weekly Greece Tour 2021. Thirty-six travelers joined along for up to 17 days of bliss. Given the obvious, we didn't travel in 2020.

My, how things have changed. For starters, the new Salt Lake City International Airport is every bit the monster everyone says it is. I've been through plenty of airports, so it's not really fair to think ours is better or worse than any other—that metric always falls upon the person who either has the good fortune to be at a forward gate verses a person with the misfortune of running out of breath on the way to the most distant gate. All airports are defined by that measure, not if it has ready access to a soft-shelled taco.

On that score, on our departure date, we arrived more than two hours before takeoff as we were heading out internationally. That proved to be more than ample time to present a passport, proof of vaccination, the Passenger Locator Form (PLF) needed to enter Greece and, finally, go through security to our gate. In Europe, you don't have to take off your shoes. Why do we have to take off our shoes?

Our new airport is, indeed, spit shiny, but why don't the people-movers exit at restrooms? Yes, I'm old, but this is serious. What's the point of people-moving someone past a restroom, or not all the way to one? How about restroom exits from the people-mover? Is that so difficult? This is a major design flaw in the Salt Lake City airport that I hope Provo or Ogden learn from when they build their own super airport facilities. I'd drive to either if I knew I'd have easy access to a urinal.

Worse, though, is what one faces upon return. Last Friday, we left our hotel at 6:30 a.m. (9:30 p.m. Thursday in Utah) for the Chania Airport. Our flight to Athens lasted around 30 minutes. From there, we presented proof of a negative COVID test that all persons returning to the U.S. must provide, and we left for JFK. We cleared customs there and caught our flight home to Salt Lake City, landing at 9:30 p.m. on Friday, a full 24 hours after leaving Crete. After power walking to the baggage area, our bags finally started piling into the bins around 10:15 p.m., in other words, taking longer for those bags to go from our aircraft to inside the airport, than it did for us to travel from Crete to Athens.

I know, I know, the airport is soooooo pretty, I shouldn't complain. Well, yes, I can. En route to the baggage area is the new Passenger Greeting area, a feature likely unique to our airport. It's ostensibly a place for families to gather prior to screaming, shouting and rushing to greet their long-absent LDS missionary son or daughter. I'm glad there's such an area, it's a nice touch.

Trouble was, the greeters didn't use it. They stood outside the greeting area, which was bone dry of persons. Oh well, old habits, I guess. And by the time I got to the empty greeting area I was thinking, "Geez, maybe they should've put a urinal there instead." There's plenty of room, and it would be a world-class airport urinal.

But that's the half of it. At the baggage area there are no places to sit. Maybe there isn't at other airports either, but I'm here to tell you that after 24 hours of travel, standing on swollen ankles for another 30 minutes is no way to be made to feel welcome. Hey, I'm not looking for a bed or anything, but it also got crowded as additional passengers piled into the spaces. Those floors are tough on the feet, prompting people to get even more grouchy.

Maybe our fair city can pop for some violinists or singers to help brace the return. I could have used some flute, some Debussy, or Jethro Tull, even. A couple of benches would be nice, even hard ones. So would a portable cocktail bar, but that's likely asking for too much. And, of course, a urinal. Why not?

Here's a Salt Lake City airport traveler tip, though. Have you experienced the nightmare of picking up an airport traveler at night? It's crowded once you leave the baggage area and exit to the arrivals area to await your pickup. Somebody's gonna die there. Our group had just spent 17 days in Greece, many of those in the madhouse traffic of Athens. The mayhem of the arrival area at the new airport is worse by far. So, instead of departing the airport at Arrivals, just go to the Departures area one floor above and hitch a ride there. We did that, and so did other shifty characters such as us. It was the only bright moment of arriving back in Salt Lake—gaming the system.

I could have used this space to write all about the great times we had, the wonderful adventures with new friends, the beaches and the food. But there's no room here. Meanwhile, none of us could have gone if not for our willingness to take a lifesaving vaccine (derisively called the "jab" by idiots who do their own "research") and to wear a mask on an airplane ("Masks don't work," say the idiots). Doing both allowed us to enjoy real freedom, the kind we all had before too many of us drifted off into selfish assholery.

Maybe next year, the trip can go forth without needing those. But if it does, and you're not vaxxed, you're not coming. And, like this year, we won't miss you. You can piss off, so to speak.

Send comments to john@cityweekly.net