Oh, Honey! | Cover Story | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

February 10, 2016 News » Cover Story

Oh, Honey! 

A local's guide to love & sex

Pin It
Favorite

Page 2 of 8

The ABC's of Utah's Dating Scene

A useful guide to terms you might come across dating around these parts
By Katherine Ellis & Devin Wakefield
comments@cityweekly.net

Utah is a strange, confusing and (sometimes) wonderful place, but it gets particularly bizarre when it comes to dating. As part of a generation with plenty of ways to meet and "court" someone outside the realm of face-to-face interaction, things can get tricky. So we've complied a glossary to help you navigate the tumultuous waters that make up Utah's dating scene. And while we can't promise that mastery of the local vernacular will get you a date, at least you'll know what other people are talking about.

Afterglow: the warm, wholly satisfied feeling that comes after really great sex. Also, the name of an oddly successful LDS Mormon pop duo.

Bae: baby, sweetie, honey bunny, boo, pookie bear, etc., ad nauseum.

Catfishing: to create an alternate persona or entirely fabricate a fictional person in order to attract a stranger on the Internet.

DTR: Define the Relationship. The dreaded conversation about what a relationship means.

Eternal Companion: the ejector seat on an unwanted relationship or the Mormon sexual greenlight.

Feminist Boyfriend: a local myth (legend?) in Utah.

Ghosting: the French exit/Irish goodbye—fading out of interactions with a person to the point of full-on disappearing.

Hipster: beard-growing, plaid-wearing, film-camera-using, man-bun-flaunting guys who seem to be heavily concentrated in Provo (though Salt Lake City has its share).

Indigo Girls: If you're a man pursuing a woman and this is her favorite group, you may be barking up the wrong tree.

Jack Mormon: someone who may still be Mormon but doesn't care to hide the fact that they don't practice church teachings by doing things like drinking coffee or going out on a Sunday.

Kittenfishing: to exaggerate or fabricate small details about yourself when meeting someone online.

Lumbersexual: If a beard and flannel gets you all hot and bothered, this is you.

Mormon Baseball: 1st: hold hands, 2nd: kiss, 3rd: marriage, home: scheduled sex.

NCMO: Non-Committal Make Out. It's like a Mormon one-night stand.

Outercourse: dry humping, HJs, etc. See also: middle-school sex acts.

Pull a Mosby: proclaim love on a first date.

Quiche: sort of like an egg pie, but more importantly, a telltale sign that you've found yourself at brunch, which means that you are in a committed relationship. So congrats, or whatever.

Return Missionary: when a Mormon couple has sex twice in the same day.

Soaking: penetration but no movement. Little known fact: It is not a way around the Law of Chastity. It still totally counts as sex—just lame sex.

Wait: when you swear off all humans of the opposite gender for 18 months to two years until your bae comes home from his or her mission.

Underage: a term for Utah brides who tend to marry at ages 18-21, thus awarding the state the lowest median age in the country at which a female weds.

Thirsty: return missionaries eager for one thing and one thing only.

Vacation Crush: This is the white whale. It's the hope that you'll catch the fancy of some Sundance starlet or stud and get whisked away to be the world's happiest sugar baby.

Xfiniti: because getting screwed on our cable bill is about the only action most of us can hope for.

Young Adult: an unmarried adult from the age of 18-30. See also: Spinster.

Zion's Loophole: also known as God's loophole. It's most of the above definitions sans a Mormon baseball grand slam. All the awkwardness and wincing of your first time but without the fiery damnation. CW

Katherine Ellis, Editor-in-Chief of the U of U's Daily Utah Chronicle, managed to find an elusive, real-life feminist boyfriend in Happy Valley. Devin Wakefield, the Chronicle's page designer extraordinaire, spends a lot of his time complaining about how hard it is to date while living below the poverty line.

Pin It
Favorite

More by City Weekly Staff

Latest in Cover Story

  • The Road Out

    How religious organizations, nonprofits and people on the streets are adapting to historic change in Salt Lake's homeless services.
    • Sep 18, 2019
  • Election 2020: Then There Were 10

    We size up the Democrats who’ve qualified for Thursday night’s debate.
    • Sep 11, 2019
  • The Geek Issue

    City Weekly's first-ever Geek Issue is a celebration of the people and organizations that make Utah such a distinctive haven for those with a geek sensibility.
    • Sep 4, 2019
  • More »

Comments

Showing 1-1 of 1

Add a comment

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-1 of 1

Add a comment

Readers also liked…

  • What Global Warming?

    Unmasking a proxy war strategy by online climate change denialists.
    • Jan 31, 2018
  • Dear Orrin

    'Hypocrisy, thy name is Orrin'
    • Feb 21, 2018

© 2019 Salt Lake City Weekly

Website powered by Foundation