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Oh, Honey! 

A local's guide to love & sex

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The ABC's of Utah's Dating Scene

A useful guide to terms you might come across dating around these parts
By Katherine Ellis & Devin Wakefield
comments@cityweekly.net

Utah is a strange, confusing and (sometimes) wonderful place, but it gets particularly bizarre when it comes to dating. As part of a generation with plenty of ways to meet and "court" someone outside the realm of face-to-face interaction, things can get tricky. So we've complied a glossary to help you navigate the tumultuous waters that make up Utah's dating scene. And while we can't promise that mastery of the local vernacular will get you a date, at least you'll know what other people are talking about.

Afterglow: the warm, wholly satisfied feeling that comes after really great sex. Also, the name of an oddly successful LDS Mormon pop duo.

Bae: baby, sweetie, honey bunny, boo, pookie bear, etc., ad nauseum.

Catfishing: to create an alternate persona or entirely fabricate a fictional person in order to attract a stranger on the Internet.

DTR: Define the Relationship. The dreaded conversation about what a relationship means.

Eternal Companion: the ejector seat on an unwanted relationship or the Mormon sexual greenlight.

Feminist Boyfriend: a local myth (legend?) in Utah.

Ghosting: the French exit/Irish goodbye—fading out of interactions with a person to the point of full-on disappearing.

Hipster: beard-growing, plaid-wearing, film-camera-using, man-bun-flaunting guys who seem to be heavily concentrated in Provo (though Salt Lake City has its share).

Indigo Girls: If you're a man pursuing a woman and this is her favorite group, you may be barking up the wrong tree.

Jack Mormon: someone who may still be Mormon but doesn't care to hide the fact that they don't practice church teachings by doing things like drinking coffee or going out on a Sunday.

Kittenfishing: to exaggerate or fabricate small details about yourself when meeting someone online.

Lumbersexual: If a beard and flannel gets you all hot and bothered, this is you.

Mormon Baseball: 1st: hold hands, 2nd: kiss, 3rd: marriage, home: scheduled sex.

NCMO: Non-Committal Make Out. It's like a Mormon one-night stand.

Outercourse: dry humping, HJs, etc. See also: middle-school sex acts.

Pull a Mosby: proclaim love on a first date.

Quiche: sort of like an egg pie, but more importantly, a telltale sign that you've found yourself at brunch, which means that you are in a committed relationship. So congrats, or whatever.

Return Missionary: when a Mormon couple has sex twice in the same day.

Soaking: penetration but no movement. Little known fact: It is not a way around the Law of Chastity. It still totally counts as sex—just lame sex.

Wait: when you swear off all humans of the opposite gender for 18 months to two years until your bae comes home from his or her mission.

Underage: a term for Utah brides who tend to marry at ages 18-21, thus awarding the state the lowest median age in the country at which a female weds.

Thirsty: return missionaries eager for one thing and one thing only.

Vacation Crush: This is the white whale. It's the hope that you'll catch the fancy of some Sundance starlet or stud and get whisked away to be the world's happiest sugar baby.

Xfiniti: because getting screwed on our cable bill is about the only action most of us can hope for.

Young Adult: an unmarried adult from the age of 18-30. See also: Spinster.

Zion's Loophole: also known as God's loophole. It's most of the above definitions sans a Mormon baseball grand slam. All the awkwardness and wincing of your first time but without the fiery damnation. CW

Katherine Ellis, Editor-in-Chief of the U of U's Daily Utah Chronicle, managed to find an elusive, real-life feminist boyfriend in Happy Valley. Devin Wakefield, the Chronicle's page designer extraordinaire, spends a lot of his time complaining about how hard it is to date while living below the poverty line.

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