Newsquirks | Syndicated Columns | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly


Pin It

Soldiers came to the rescue of an Austrian fertility clinic that ran out of sperm donors. The private clinic in Thalheim, Upper Austria, made a public appeal for soldiers to step forward and offer their services. “The response was sensational,” Ramona Schausberger, a medical assistant at the clinic, said after dozens of recruits volunteered. “This is a major success for the clinic.

Curses, Foiled Again

Police in Lincoln, Neb., reported that a 40-year-old man robbed a grocery store but was unable to make his getaway because several customers and three store managers followed him into the parking lot and surrounded his pickup truck. “They were telling him, ‘Put the cash drawer down. We’ve got your license number. You’re not going anywhere,’” police Capt. Brian Jackson said. The suspect got out of the vehicle and fled to a nearby parking lot, where he tried but failed to steal a car. He then ran and tried to hide behind a house, but store employees continued their pursuit and pointed out his whereabouts to police, who arrested the suspect.

When police tried to question Selina Jean Valdez, 28, and Daniel Marquez, 41, about their involvement in a counterfeiting operation, the suspects apparently flushed wads of bogus $50 and $100 bills down their toilet. Having clogged the plumbing but hoping to avoid suspicion, the two then spent the next week relieving themselves in plastic shopping bags until detectives returned with a search warrant, found the apartment flooded with sewage and arrested them.

Giving Back to the Community

Within four days of Washington lobbyist Jack Abramoff guilty plea to, among other federal felony charges, conspiracy to bribe public officials, The Associated Press reported that 65 members of Congress donated $414,000 to charity. The amount equaled Abramoff’s direct and indirect contributions to their political campaigns. President George W. Bush added $6,000 that his campaign accepted from Abramoff. Maintaining that pace throughout 2006, The New Yorker pointed out, would result in charities receiving $21 million.

Michael D. Brown, the former head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, announced that he is starting a disaster-preparedness consulting firm to help clients avoid the sort of mistakes that cost him his job. “If I can help people focus on preparedness, how to be better prepared in their homes and better prepared in their businesses,” the Colorado lawyer told the Rocky Mountain News, conceding that “mistakes were made” in his agency’s response to Hurricane Katrina, “then I hope I can help the country in some way.

Touch, But Don’t Look

Nudity has no place in marriage, especially during sex, according to an Egyptian cleric, who issued an edict against it. The fatwa by Rashad Hassan Khalil, a former dean of Al-Azhar University’s faculty of Sharia (or Islamic law), declared, “Being completely naked during the act of coitus annuls the marriage.” In an ensuing debate over the edict, Al-Azhar’s fatwa committee chairman Abdullah Megawar argued that married couples could see each other naked but should not look at each other’s genitalia and suggested they cover up with a blanket while having sex.

Missed it by That Much

After four years of preparation, Colin Yeates, 47, set out from Port Stanley in the Falkland Islands to row around Antarctica, expecting that the 13,432-mile circumnavigation would last 10-1/2 months. He had rowed only 20 miles, however, when strong currents unexpectedly smashed him onto rocks off the northern coast of East Falkland, destroying his $53,000 boat. Yeates did at least fulfill his prediction that his journey would “begin and end in the Falkland Islands.

Plants to the Rescue

Pumping smokestack emissions through a filtering system filled with algae removes nearly all the harmful gases, according to inventor Isaac Berzin, who sees the single-cell plants as a key weapon against global warming. “Right now, power plants think of emissions as pollution,” Berzin said. “Not algae. Algae think they’re great food.

Wrong Arm of the Law

Police Detective James D. DeCoste III, 36, of Far Hills, N.J., was charged with stealing items from a charity rummage sale at the Far Hills Fairgrounds after he was observed loading the merchandise into his police cruiser while on duty and driving off. Noting that the items taken were collectively worth only a few hundred dollars, Police Chief Kenneth Hartman said, “Basically, he’s lost his career over this.

Also charged was DeCoste’s cousin, William Kneser, 36, who was nabbed with stolen merchandise in his pickup truck. “He was wearing a pair of shoes he had stolen from there,” Hartman said. “He still had the price tags on the shoes.


A German brothel located next to a job center in Berlin introduced $25 sex sessions for jobless men. “We give them the same service, just without the long talks that we usually do to get a client going,” Gina, one of the workers at Schulz & Co. brothel, explained. “At that price, we can’t afford to waste that much time.

Pin It

More by Roland Sweet

  • Anchors Away

    Canada's National Defence decided to decommission a 45-year-old navy supply ship without a replacement because mechanics in Halifax were spending a "disproportionate amount of time" keeping the vessel operating ...
    • Jul 29, 2015
  • Ablution Solution

    Spas in Japan now offer ramen-noodle baths. The baths are filled with ramen pork broth and synthetic noodles. Soaking in the broth is said to be good for the skin and to boost metabolism.
    • Jul 22, 2015
  • Milking the System

    The federal Medicare Fraud Strike Force concluded a nationwide investigation into home health-care fraud by charging 243 people, including 46 doctors and other medical professionals.
    • Jul 15, 2015
  • More »

Latest in Syndicated Columns

  • Newsquirks

    Curses, Foiled Again ttPolice summoned by a neighbor who suspected a burglary in an upstairs apartment in Hilton Head Island, S.C., arrested Isaac Talavera Jr., 25, whose getaway was slowed by having to call his mother to come pick him up and drive him...
    • Jul 11, 2007
  • Crushable Lightweights

    I’ve come across several references recently to the alleged fact that the introduction of federal automobile fuel efficiency standards in the United States has increased the number of automobile deaths. The only sources cited are “free-market”...
    • Jul 11, 2007
  • Newsquirks

    Curses, Foiled Again ttFour men surrounded a man in a parking lot in Sumter, S.C., and threatened him with a poisonous snake. The victim was unharmed, however, because the attackers fled after the snake bit one of them, according to police Chief Patty...
    • Jul 6, 2007
  • More »

© 2021 Salt Lake City Weekly

Website powered by Foundation