8. Stop making fun of ABC 4's Chris Vanocur (as per his attorneys).
7. Start making fun of KUTV 2's Ron Bird (as per the Laws of Comedy).
6. Eat more vegetables—order the Bloody Marys with celery sticks.
5. Throw in more 'Nam and CCR references for older readers.
4. Fly in the occasional analogy like a Huey over Green River.
3. Exercise more—walk the dollar bills over to the strippers instead of throwing them.
2. Simplify content in order to finally win that Society of Professional Journalists award in the Lists & Bullet Points division.
1. Start saving for SPJ bribe.