Need an abortion? Better get a drink. | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly

Need an abortion? Better get a drink. 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Mass Hysteria—A condition affecting a group of persons, characterized by excitement or anxiety, irrational behavior or beliefs. Such psychic epidemics can involve an entire population.

Prohibition worked like a charm. After much damning-to-hell and praying, we ratified the 18th Amendment to stop the sale of alcohol. Voilà! Sobriety and holiness prevailed. Well, not exactly. It just made drinking more fun and the flappers at the speakeasies were the cherry on the Old Fashion.

Later, another epidemic of high anxiety drove us to declare war on drugs. The drug culture was unmoved and getting stoned became cool for college professors and soon was in vogue for society's elites.

Recently, legislating morality spread like wildfire again through red states and we made abortion illegal—again. Now we're racing back 100 years to when it was a crime to even talk about contraception, let alone abortion. The result was so devastating that people awakened to the fact that women need reproductive health care to survive.

In 1973, the Supreme Court made abortion legal. But 50 years on we rushed, hellbent, to make it a crime again. In the meantime, we may need strong drink and gynecological speakeasies. People are going to do what they're going to do, the black magic of mass hysteria be damned.

Top 10 Reasons Trump is Great
10—He's the only one who tells the truth.
9—Nobody rides a golden escalator like he does.
8—He's such a smart businessman that he never pays taxes.
7—Stormy Daniels, in many ways, reminds him of his daughter, Ivanka.
6—Neck ties that cover your crotch make sense for a lot of reasons.
5—When he doesn't get his way, he hurls Big Macs, fries and ketchup at the wall.
4—He enjoys grabbing women by the crotch.
3—He won the election.
2—In the end, he always throws his advisors under the bus.
1—And the number one reason Trump is great — He's Above The Law!

Nobody Cares About Stormy
Nobody's saying he didn't do it. Everybody knows he did do it. Melania knows he did it. Ivanka knows he did it. Even Ivanka's dumber brother—what's his name—knows he did it.

But that's not the point. The point is, nobody cares. You pay a porn star $130,000 to shut up and everyone's better off. The days of Monica Lewinsky are over. Blow job in the Oval Office? Big deal.

Trump's so-called hush-money felony is politically motivated, end of story. To boost this little state misdemeanor they say he lied about what the money was for—and then presto-chango it's a felony. What a crock.

A president cannot go to prison for doing you-know-what to someone named Stormy. It's just not right. Nobody cares about Stormy—or that stupid thing with classified documents at Mar-A-Lago. Give us a break. It wasn't like he was going to give top secrets to the Russians. He doesn't even know any Russians.

And the deal in Georgia? Nothin' there. They got him on tape saying something that could mean anything. “Find this,” “find that.” Ridiculous. It's just another witch hunt conspiracy, like that Jan. 6 thing—that little patriotic celebration. Now they're saying it was some kind of takeover. Hah. They couldn't take over your grandmother's undies.

Postscript—The Great Salt Lake is not dying! So says The Washington Post, so it must be true. All that handwringing and praying was for naught.

OK, you're right, Wilson, maybe it was dying and the praying worked. We'll never know. Nonetheless the lake is up three feet in the last five months from its historic low due to a record year for snowfall. The lake had shrunk about 70% from years of drought and population growth.

Any celebration, however, may be premature. We know the population is going to keep growing and no one knows whether the drought will continue. And the fact is the lake is still six feet below the minimum level needed to maintain its biological health. But what the hell, it's good news and we'll take it.

More good news: For the first time, the Boston Marathon will have a division for non-binary runners (people who don't identify as entirely male nor entirely female.) This is the kind of thing that drives conservatives nuts. Think pronouns: non-binary folks are neither “he” nor “she” and prefer the pronoun “they.” They are they.

It gets confusing, especially for conservatives here in Utah. There is Father in Heaven and Mother in Heaven, but there is no They in Heaven. Alright, yes, Wilson, we know, “In Heaven there is no beer, that's why we drink it here.” Satisfied?

But seriously, Wilson, don't you and the guys in the band think we ought to cook up a little something for The Donald, should he go on the lam rather than face time with some of his supporters in the joint? The prison garb is not exactly tailored cashmere and the food—forget about it. He's probably planning a quick exit right now, so plug in the amps 'cause The Don Don is going to need a new theme song:

Well, I went home with the waitress
The way I always do
How was I to know
She was with the Russians, too

I was gambling in Havana
I took a little risk
Send lawyers, guns and money
Man, get me out of this

I'm the innocent bystander
Somehow I got stuck
Between the rock and the hard place
And I'm down on my luck
I'm down on my luck

Now I'm hiding in Honduras
I'm a desperate man
Send lawyers, guns and money
The shit has hit the fan
“Send Lawyers, Guns and Money”—Warren Zevon

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