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Nabobs, Nascar and Cold Fusion 

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Nabobs, Nascar and Cold Fusion

It’s just too bad that the state Legislature was adjourned during the Olympics while 12,000 or so journalists from all over the world were here. They could have seen how truly enlightened we really are. Sure, we got great coverage as a winter wonderland with beautiful mountains, wonderful arenas and a comfortable lifestyle. But the world probably didn’t get the full picture of Utah.

If in session, the Legislature would have demonstrated to them that this is not a place where teachers can ban together in a communistic scheme to rob taxpayers of enough money to actually educate children. No sir.

Our lawmakers would have impressed the international press corps that this isn’t a place where a university president willing to fight to keep firearms off campus can do so without being threatened with a salary cut and a court fight. Bet on it.

Our political leaders would have revealed that this is not a place where citizens can challenge the government when a poorly planned highway would bulldoze wetlands. They voted overwhelmingly to punish such culprits, too. So there.

Our Legislature would have shown the world that we have priorities and when it comes down to it, family services can be cut as long as we have a porn czar. We know how to keep families strong here, with folks like Gayle Ruzicka to lead us. Amen!

*Speaking of good impressions, “Dr. Laura” of radio hate-mongering fame blew through town recently. Laura Schlessinger, whose syndicated talk show reaches an audience of 15 million who want her “insights” on morality, is known, among other things, for her stance against gays and lesbians. She came away from her Salt Lake City visit quite impressed, according to the Deseret News.

Too bad she couldn’t have been here during the Olympics, too. She might have been able to reflect, as Gayle did, that adult athletes staying at the Olympic Village should not use condoms.

*From our “Don’t Look Now”-file, this tidbit: Scientists in Tennessee say they have ... gulp ... invented Cold Fusion (again!!). Former University of Utah scientists Stanley Pons and Martin Fleischmann must be rolling over on their beach towels. The pair claimed to have harnessed nuclear fusion in a mayonnaise jar 13 years ago. They were laughed out of the country when it couldn’t be reproduced.

But Oak Ridge National Laboratory scientists say in the March 8 edition of the journal Science that there could actually be something to it—although they don’t want to call it “cold fusion.” Apparently that moniker somehow got a bad name.

*And finally from our mailbag: We inadvertently sparked a minor firestorm when we suggested recently that NASCAR auto racing was booorrrrrrriiiinnnggg. One complaint even suggested that people who don’t like to watch cars go around in a circle for 500 miles are light in the loafers. Apparently, NASCAR, like professional wrestling, is for real men only!

Here at SmartBomb we’d like to propose a new sport that would combine the testosterone high of the “smackdown” with that of round-dee-round. The idea would be to have wrestlers drive cars around in a circle all day long. We’d call it something like Demolition Derby for Dittoheads. Only real men need apply.

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More by Christopher Smart

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