Murder Among Jack Mormons | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Murder Among Jack Mormons 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

Pin It

As you know by now, Netflix is streaming a new three-part series called Murder Among Jack Mormons. Authorities from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints objected on account of the Lord told them he doesn't like the term "Jack." It's all quite embarrassing. The documentary focuses on Mark Hofmann who, in 1985, killed two people with bombs. Hofmann, who was a closeted Jack Mormon and a master forger, kept "finding" old documents that seemed to undermine the church, founded by Joseph Smith in 1830. Religions are always trying to authenticate their faith—like Jesus walking on water. Closer inspection reveals it was low tide. Smith was led to gold plates that held The Book of Mormon gospel by an angel called Moroni. But Hofmann "discovered" a letter that said it was actually a "white salamander" that guided old Joe. It was so shocking that Mormon leaders turned a whiter shade of pale—it was that bad. They quickly bought the letter so it would never be seen. Of course, it was a fake because everyone knows Angel Moroni is real and fell off the LDS Temple in a recent earthquake. In the end, Hofmann accidentally blew himself up and almost died. Maybe he wishes he did die. It's better to explode than fade away.

Extraterrestrial Dating Gets Dicey
You think things are bad here now that Dr. Seuss has been outlawed and Glenn Beck and U.S. House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy have lost it over Green Eggs and Ham. Well, it could be a lot worse, according to the Drake Equation. Three CalTech physicists have just updated the 1961 mathematical model developed by Frank Drake to find where and when life is most likely to occur in the Milky Way. It also identifies the prime factor affecting life's prevalence: Intelligent creatures' tendency toward self-annihilation. (We could not possibly make this up.) The takeaway from the new study: "Most of the alien civilizations that ever dotted our galaxy have probably killed themselves off already." Not everyone wanted this information to get out. It's going to kill real estate values once people realize that demand could tank once the self-annihilation begins here on Earth. And think what it will do to stock prices in Elon Musk's SpaceX company. The news also is troubling for The Amazing Kreskin's Supernatural Dating Society. (It's for real, folks.) According to Cosmopolitan magazine, it's $15 a month for a premium membership and $20 for VIP. It's not the bargain it once was—the Princess Leia of your dreams is probably dead. But who knows, you could get lucky.

How Mr. Potato Head Got His Groove Back
This has rocked Trumpist America to its core: Reportedly, Mr. Potato Head lost his thing. Or should we say, "thang." It totally blew away Republicans who watch Mr. Potato Head closely. In fact, David Alvord, a Republican on the Salt Lake County Council, said the left won't be satisfied until every male is castrated (like Mr. Potato Head) and plays girls soccer. He went on to say the Libs won't be happy until "there are no males, no females ... we have no children, and simply have new humans arrive in labs and immediately put into a school for indoctrination." (You can't make this stuff up.) It's the culture wars, and Republicans need something new to hate. OK, reality check: It was toymaker Hasbro, not Democrats, that decided to redesign the Potato Head box so that it would be inclusive of Mrs. Potato Head (how liberal can you get). Yes, Mr. and Mrs. are both in birthday suits inside the box, possibly bumping and grinding to Tina Turner or Bruce "Can't-start-a-fire-without-a-spark" Springsteen. Don't tell Tucker Carlson. As for David Alvord and his righteously repressed Republican libido—therapy and Viagra could be helpful. As Democrat County Councilman Jim Bradley put it, "Alvord is a sourpuss." Well, Wilson, if you don't know what that is, don't ask.

Postscript—That's it for another week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Dr. Seuss so you don't have to. As Democrats went full throttle last week to pass one of the largest stimulus packages ever, Republicans, not to be outdone, were busy raising outrage over Dr. Seuss and Mr. Potato Head. It's "cancel culture," they vented. We're seeing the end of freedom in America! What's next, Bugs Bunny and SpongeBob SquarePants? This is the same party to which motivational speaker and flim-flam artist Burgess Owens belongs. As you will recall, at CPAC—the MAGA version of Burning Man—Owens said Democrats would self-destruct. You got it, Wilson, it's called projection. But that wasn't nearly enough. President Joe Biden scoffed at anti-maskers, saying, "We don't need Neanderthal thinking"—and all hell broke loose. How was he to know that Republican Sen. Marco Rubio's parents were Neanderthals from Cuba? Marco, who has large knuckles, was hurt, saying that Biden had insulted everyone with even the tiniest bit of Neanderthal DNA—it was elitism at its archaeological worst. But it was Trevor Noah who summed it up best: "Biden got Republicans to say the N-word and acknowledge evolution at the same time." OMG!

Alright, Wilson, you and the guys in the band are looking pretty perky, and we know it's not your diet. By now, you've probably been checking out the Supernatural Dating Society website, so let it rip:

Woke up this morning with light in my eyes
And then realized it was still dark outside
It was a light comin' down from the sky
I don't know who or why

Must be those strangers that come every night
Whose saucers shaped light put people up tight
Leave blue green footprints that glow in the dark
I hope they get home all right

Hey Mr.Spaceman, won't you please take me along
I won't do anything wrong
Hey Mr.Spaceman, won't you please take me along
For a ride

—"Mr. Spaceman," The Byrds

PPS—During this difficult time for newspapers, please make a donation to our very important local alternative news source, Salt Lake City Weekly, at, a nonprofit dedicated to help fund local journalism. Thank you.

Pin It


More by Christopher Smart

Latest in Opinion

  • Lies and Damned Lies

    Taking a Gander: Ex-President Walter Mitty
    • Sep 28, 2022
  • Two Nations, Two 'Roberts'

    Ukraine's military is on a roll. They recently took back more territory in a weekend than Russia had gained during the previous several months.
    • Sep 21, 2022
  • Utes vs. SUU

    Taking a Gander: A tempest in a teapot
    • Sep 21, 2022
  • More »

Readers also liked…

  • Slugs and Snails

    Taking a Gander: Decimating America's garden
    • Dec 15, 2021
  • Delusional Republicans

    Taking a Gander: What are they smoking?
    • Feb 16, 2022

© 2022 Salt Lake City Weekly

Website powered by Foundation